How do I learn to cope?

Lots of weak days.

The lead up, and just after the first chemotherapy was the worst.

Each new symptom you felt ,like this was going to  be 'it'.

It wasnt.

After chemo treatment 10 now. They have all been different, somehow there has been a sort of balance.

Managing symptom from the treatment is a definite skill.

For us, it has definitely been using movicol. Making sure you are regular.  As that can become  a new problem very quickly.

It is definitely a learning  curve:)

Don't beat yourself up!!!  Strong, weak, whatever, it is your emotional and loving response to the awful position you find yourself in.  My husband has a terminal diagnosis with stomach cancer and we have been living with it for a year now - it is so hard to keep going some days, just wondering what is around the corner.  I have lost mother, brother-in-law, sister to cancer over the years but have to say this is the worst, watching the person I chose to spend my life with slowly fade away.  I know this may sound odd but in some ways I think it is easier for the one with the diagnosis than the one who is watching and grieving.  My husband is more philosophical and accepting of what is happening to him (most days!!).

Don't try to snap out of it - you have a right to the way you feel.  

Best wishes - you are, as they say, stronger than you know.

Penny

Thank you so much for these words. My husband was diagnosed with liver cancer in march this year. It was curable by operation, but the hospital left it too late and it was no longer operable due to the spread of it. He is just about to start on sorafenib and is very anxious about the side effects. He has been given a diagnosis of 1-2yrs. Aged at 51, he is 3 years younger than my dad who died of HCC back in 1995. I watched my dad deteriorate, and he lost his life 8 months after diagnosis. I remember everything like it was yesterday. I wanted to know what support there is available for people in my situation. We have 2 boys, 15 & 17. One has just passed his driving test, and going to uni next year the other taking gcse's  so an important year for them both. I work full time, and my husband is still able to work full time, and apart from the cancer is fit and well, a stranger would not know he had cancer, as he has no signs or symptoms. I need support in helping him as I find he doesn't listen to me, he is very angry all the time, and will shout and me and our sons, and never listens to us when we try to express our feelings. He is very wrapped up in his own emotions and thinks hes the only one its happening too. How do I get over this barrier he has created? I try so hard to communicate with him, but the response is often 'shut up' or sometimes '.... off' How do I get him to listen to us. I find myself being a full time worker(i Manager a Pre-School) which is extremely busy, a full time mum, taxi service cleaner etc.... and try my hardest to keep things on a even level. I am not succeeding as he is still angry with everything i do or the children do. He seems to be walking around cross, and says things like 'I can concentrate on dying now! I phone up my local Macmillan support worker who said it sounds like he needs some palliative counselling. Any advice?

I am so sorry. It sounds like you are carrying a huge weight.  I would advise counselling for both of you. My husband is 67 so not so young as yours. I am not surprised he is angry - cancer is a thief. Sometimes G is too then I get the brunt of his bad temper. Unfortunately, they take it out on the people they are close to. I find it impossible most of the time to tell him how i am feeling about things so take it to friends and also to a counsellor. It was really, really helpful to be able to go once a week and let rip if I needed to.  Then it was easier to go home and cope. So yes, counselling but for both of you.  And is anything available to your sons at their schools?

G had a period when he would grin at people he was talking to about his cancer and say yes, I'm good looking for a corpse!!! 

Stomp and shout here as much as you like. PM me if you want, happy to do what i can which isn't much except listen and understand how you are feeling. 

Best regards. Hang in there. 

Penny

Hi Sarah,

could we chat? Hubby has just been given incurable diagnosis I would love to chat to someone who’s been there x

Hi Penny,

thanks so much for your support and I’m so sorry for your situation too. I have deliberately stayed off this site for a little while, so I’ve only just seen your comment. Apologies for not replying sooner.  My husband seems to be more accepting too, calmer somehow. I’m still waking with panic attacks and crying most days.  I am having my second counselling session tomorrow and I don’t know if it will help or not but I have to try, otherwise I feel like I will go out of my mind with grief.  Your words, about a loving response to this situation have made me feel normal to some extent, so thank you for that x   I’m just consumed by sadness.

hiw do we get through Christmas? Will it be our last one? I’m dreading it, truly dreading it. There’s only ever him and me on Christmas Day and we like it that way but I really don’t know how to deal with it this year. We went out and bought my Christmas present today but every time I ask what he wants, he says nothing. It’s heartbreaking and there’s a lot of us in the same position I know. Just don’t know how to cope really.  

Oh, to turn the clock back....  I hope you are doing ok. Thanks again. 

Viv xxx

Hi I was just wondering how you are and wanted to send you my best wishes. I haven’t been on the site for a little while , trying to still deal with it all.  I have been thinking about you and your lovely mum x 

Viv x