How do I learn to cope?

Please dont feel angry at yourself, you are going through probably the hardest time in your life and doing the best you can. That is all you can do. Watching someone you love in pain and suffering is one of the hardest things to have to deal with and we find ways of coping even blaming ourselves for the way we are reacting to it. Unfortunately there are no right or wrong answers for this but only to remember that the time you have left is precious and to make the most of it with as many memories and laughter as possible. I went through a period of being angry at myself for not being strong enough feeling extremely guilty for it. But I think some people start the grieving process even before it has happened I think it's your body's way of preparing yourself emotionally. I hope some of this has helped. Always here if you need to talk. We have 2 months left with my dear mum so I understand how you are feeling. Be kind to yourself I'm sure your doing the best you can that's all we can do. Please dont hesitate to message take care xxxx

Thank you so much for your kind words. I do need to be more positive but I think you’re right, I am mourning already and spoiling what we have now.  He’s quite well at the moment, so We hopefully do have some future ahead of us. I need to live in the now.  I’m so sorry to hear about your mum.  I lost my mum when I was 14 and it’s a similar pain to what I’m feeling now. I’m sending loving thoughts your way and likewise, don’t hesitate to message me.  Take care xx

I am after those words of wisdom to. My partner back in May was on s curative path for bowel cancer but long story short this week we got the news she now has only months as it has spread to liver and lungs. I totally relate to your post and I am really really struggling. like you I wake up in the morning dreading the day but then I get to this time in the day and dread the night. She is in pain which is controlled mainly with MST and oral morphine. The whole situation is quite unbelievable...this time last year she was doing an online triathlon to raise money for cancer research in my mums name who I lost last August to esophageal cancer.

So sorry to hear about your horrible news. It is so hard knowing how limited a time we have with our loved ones. Have you got other family and friends to lean on for support. Take all you can get is my experience and yes I totally understand you dread what the day has to bring and wonder why is this happening. Life is so cruel at times. I hope you find support in this group and make the most of every minute you have left with him as I'm sure he loves you dearly and understands how hard this must be for you as well as him. Anytime you need to talk just message. Sending you lots of love 

My wife was diagnosed with stage4 terminal bowel cancer at the start of the year.
I've been where you are.The grief in advance, unable to function,that kind of thing.
Being positive is essential.
But how? :)
In the beginning it's just words, you start to learn to fill in how to do it as you go.

I downloaded an app and started logging positive things, gratitude things.

More forcing it rather than feeling it at the start.
After 10 months I do feel it.

I started fitness, and walking habits,just for me, meditating even.

Short walks,30 mins, sort of be positive routine .

My wife has also helped a lot.

Its yet to move to the next stage yet, she doesnt have much energy,vets tired easily.

But we're learning.

Say it,even when you dont believe it.

Take pleasure in everything you see and share it.

Some days weeks it just wont happen, figure out what being kind to yourself really is,forgive yourself and start again..

It's not easy,but the choice is to be the best person you can for the one you love.
The gift is, being positive, appreciating all you have, is how you do it.

hi Nannafizz and all on this thread

I saw your discussion come up although I’m now a member of the bereaved spouses group so I hope you don’t mind the intrusion. I just felt I wanted to offer my support & tell you I do understand, lots of us have felt the same. 

I suffered from anticipatory grief for the whole year my husband was fighting renal cancer, he was incurable at diagnosis. I cried- every day. Most days in the shower, it felt a safe place to release it, & my husband & my children couldn’t see me so I could just let go. Also last thing at night, I couldn’t go to sleep till he was asleep so I would just lay there trying to be strong until he had drifted off & again the mask could fall. I agree with what others have said, I think it’s the body’s response to preparing you for what will come in time. It is incredibly difficult to have to accept this every morning on a daily basis, & yet that it all you can do, just take it one day at a time. It feels a very unnatural way to live at times, not planning too far ahead, especially if you have hospital checkups & blood tests etc pretty regularly. 

And yet I can remember my mum telling me when I started to feel hysterical about the uncertain future ‘but he’s here now’ & that became my daily mantra. I would literally start & end each day with that thought.  Because it was true & now is all that any of us have really. If we focus too much on what’s ahead we can miss out on what we have now.  If your loved ones are up to it,  go out, even if it’s a stroll around a garden centre & a cup of tea. Small things but they will keep you both going, give you some normality & will give your loved ones confidence that they can still have a life that’s worth living. 

I hope I’m not saying too much, I know it’s so damn hard trying to manage everything & feeling so responsible for all the caring too.  Above all, I wanted to say please don’t give yourself  a hard time, you are doing your very very best in a heartbreaking situation but keep going & know that lots of us here are thinking of you & have your back. You can do this 

Love & hugs

Sarah xx

Sarah those words honestly mean so much to me and I'm sure everyone else. It is so true to not look too far ahead as we will regret it and to enjoy the simple things. Thankyou for your kinds words lots of to you 

Mhairi xxx

thank you Sarah for your words of support.....it does help to know that others have been there and that they have coped....I just hate that we have to. This disease is beyond horrendous xx witches

Hi Sarah, and everyone who has responded to me. I wasn’t sure where I had posted what and still trying to understand the website!  Your words have helped me a great deal. I thought it was just me, crying every day and feeling generally pathetic. Scared of my own shadow. Scared of the day and the nights. I want to appreciate every minute I have with him but my heart is breaking. He is being so strong and I feel weak. You’re right, he is here now and I must make the most of our lives how they are. He’s reasonably well now, first round of chemotherapy done. I’m still in shock and disbelief, angry and heartbroken, like most of us in this situation.  

I can see that your journey was difficult too and that you have survived to help others like me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to write this response to help me and several others.

Viv x 

Thank you so much, you’re a very positive person or rather, you have learned to become one. I understand when you say to ‘say it, even when you don’t believe it’ because I know it will help both of us.  It’s definitely a learning process isn’t it? I wish you both peace on your journey x