We often get the advice that we should talk to others. People ask how my husband is but I have not found talking any help at all. I normally say very little now. In fact why am I writing this?
For doctors and nurses I am just another person with the same anxieties about my husband in a long line of people they will meet in their careers. Some neighbours ask but obviously don't know what to say except "Take care of yourself" . Some old friends say "We must meet up for coffee" but I don't hear from them again .Some think it is an ailment competition and want to tell me all about someone else they know who is ill. My mother takes a different stance and phones every night for an hour to repeat the same accounts about her neighbours, who she doesn't like, the war and what she has eaten in an effort, she says, to cheer me up. I don't get a word in.
Cancer is a depressing illness that everyone is afraid of and therefore a taboo subject. I understand people's feelings and respect their right not to be burdened by the problems of my husband and I. Life is so short that I think it is unfair to unload misery on other people.They feel helpless as they have no cure. By giving the advice "Take care of yourself" they feel they have shown empathy.
I know why I am writing this here now. It is because only people who are actually experiencing the same issues with cancer truly understand.
PJO,
Hurrah for your totally honest and accurate account!
I think I was a little more lucky than you that Julie had a few friends who constantly contacted her, took her out and made her feel loved.
For me as carer, not a thing. In fact, the first time a medical professional ever asked how I was coping was in the hospice.
Can I add to your ' take care of yourself '!
How about: "if there is anything I can do let me know...." Does that mean I could phone them in the early hours of the morning to give pain relief -
Bottom line is, we care for those we love and are happy do it - if you have been a carer like this you will know, if you haven't you couldn't possibly have a clue.
End of rant!
Pjo, take care of yourself and if there is anything I can do to help let me know 
Sussex, when people say to me, let me know if you need anything, I have started to take them at face value and say, ok. I will tell you right now what I need from you.
I need you to call me. At least once a week. Maybe I will have something I need from you when you call, maybe it will just be good to have a chat. I need you to be in charge of contacting me. I need YOU to be in charge of reaching out to me. That’s what I need.
A few have really taken it to heart and have even said it’s so helpful to know exactly what I need, and they call me like clockwork, just to chat, and sometimes I’m like oh thank god you called, I’m stuck with this or that and it would be super if you could do x or y.
Others have I think, been mildly horrified to have their bluff called! It certainly sorts the wheat from the chaff! 
Oh my goodness, PJO, you’ve hit the nail on the head. When my husband was first diagnosed, nearly 2 years ago, so many people got in touch. None actually did anything, there was nothing they could do I know, but support was really appreciated from both us. Since then, most have gradually disappeared, just two couples who keep in touch, we have meals out with them and coffee and chat. Sometimes just the offer of coming to the supermarket, or helping with the garden would be great, but no help forth coming, always “Busy”. I don’t mean to sound bitter but its when bad things happen that you really get to know who your friends are. Now we have many acquantainces but real friends are very thin on the ground.
My husband is amazing, always so cheerful and positive even at the really tough times so I paste a smile on and keep going
