Relationship is going downhill

Hi and a very warm welcome to the online community

I'm really sorry to read how isolated you're feeling but you've come to the right place for support and I can guarantee that you won't feel isolated anymore.

I can see that you've found and joined the breast cancer group which I'm sure you'll find is a great place to ask questions, share experiences and get support. When you're ready to post clicking on the link I've created will take you straight there where you'll find others who will understand what you're going through.

It would be great if you could pop something about your diagnosis and treatment into your profile as it really helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username. 

If you have any difficulty navigating the community just drop me a reply and I'll be pleased to help.

x

Hi  I don't know what your husband is normally like but people can react to cancer or other stressful situations in very strange and unexpected ways and it can simply just be the way they are born/programmed to be.

I know my husband loves me and would definitely not want to loose me or see me suffer but he is and always has been the kind of person who outwardly is not very affected by things.  He accepts things that are out of his control and kind of just gets on with things as normal.  To a lesser extent I do the same.  So I could easily see me or my husband forgetting each others appointments but it definitely wouldn't be because we don't care.  For me I try not to think about things that stress or upset me because it's how I cope.

So maybe your husband might be the same but because you are not like that you can't understand his behaviour and are therefore misinterpreting it. I would tell him how you are feeling and see if you can get him to open up about his feelings but remember that he might not be able to and that's ok, it doesn't automatically mean he doesn't care.

If he feels like he is saying all the wrong things then his natural reaction will be to stop saying anything at all.  It's impossible for someone who doesn't have cancer to know what we need to hear and most people just feel awkward.  I would have been one of those people where I would prefer to avoid you because I wouldn't know what to say.  I'd feel guilty talking about anything good or happy for fear of further upsetting you but then I'd want to avoid talking about your cancer for fear of upsetting you which would leave me with nothing to say.

You are not alone though especially not now that you have found this forum. xx

Thank you Latchbrook I feel so relieved to have woken up to some messages of support,it was needed and I think coming onto here is the way forward for me. It's nice to be in a community of people who understand. 

Godwilling thank you,this makes sense. I have tried talking to him but he makes me feel more upset. Its such a shame that cancer can ruin a well working relationship. I'm going to have to ride this out with him i suppose but I am now very thankful to have this forum,its going to help me. Thank you

Goodmorning  let me share my morning so far with you which might help you some more.

I found out yesterday that I need a vacuum biopsy (no idea what this involves and don't want to know till it's over) to investigate 4 specs that showed up on a mammogram I had yesterday.  So I am obviously worrying about the cancer coming back already (had surgery Jan 2021 so haven't been cancer free long).  

Told my husband obviously and we haven't spoken of it since.  No offer to come with me for the biopsy (not that I would want him to) and not a word about it this morning.  The only thing he mentioned twice if not three times was to make sure I remembered to cancel the delivery we are expecting the day of the biopsy because I won't be here and he can't be either because he has a client social he needs to be at.

On the face of it this doesn't paint him in a good light but I know how much he loves me and I know that this is the way he is and that it's how he is able to handle things.  His is like this with all things in his life including the death of his mother that he loved dearly and wasn't able to visit before she died.  Not a tear at the funeral.

It's a bit like expecting someone with autism (he is not autistic) to behave like someone who doesn't have autism - it's just not possible.

Don't let cancer take your marriage if everything else between you is good.  You can get all the support you need on here.  x