Mum

Hi there,

I lost my mum 1 week today after being told on 1st March she had terminal breast cancer that had spread to her bones.  30 days!  I just can't seem to get out of this very deep hole I've fallen into, mum leaves her husband (my dad) and my older and younger brother.

My older brother hadn't seen my mum since last August due to a fall out, and made the choice not to see her in her last month.  My younger brother, my dad and my daughter stayed with my mum 24/7 in hospital, desperately hoping to get her home.

My Dad obviously has struggled like us all with the diagnoses and has turned very angry, verbally but it's only and always aimed at me, abusive text etc, I've tried my very best to avoid confrontation although it's breaking me up.  I have been the one to do all of the organising of my mums funeral, but everything my mum had requested from me just 2 days before she died is being denied by my dad for her funeral, again although it's breaking me apart I've not got into arguments about it but it's leaving a very very bitter taste in my mouth!

My mum was so much, she kept us all together, I called her everyday and saw her at least every other.  She's been my complete support through years of being a single mum and my kids adored her.  My mum was 72, not old to me at all, very fit and healthy we thought until last August where she started getting pain in her chest, back and side, she was told it was muscle pain until Xmas where she ended up virtually bed bound with my Dad being her carer, washing her, dressing her and feeding her, still the drs prescribed her paracetamol.   At Xmas she got a MRI scan and was told she had a fracture in her to vertebrae, oh how thankful we were that now we had a reason for her pain and there were possibilities to help her start to recover! Another dr off the same MRI then said oh no not a vertebrae it was a shoulder problem, another MRI would be required?!  Gob smacked at this time we all were, but mum was prescribed amitrytiline to help her relax and sleep.   On 24th Feburary my mum now incredibly frail fell at home trying to get back to bed from the bathroom and broke both her humerus in her arms as well as multiple ribs.  Air Ambulance to give her enough pain killers to get her off the floor and the beginning of near on 6 weeks in hospital.  Hooray at long last tests were being done as that's so rare to break both arms!   1st March mum has terminal cancer, untreatable, we are given no idea of any time that might be left.

Her wish was to get home, we had it all set up, hospital bed, carers, oxygen, syringe driver etc etc etc but no it was not to be.  I held my mums hand as she slipped away peacefully with my 2 daughters, dad and brother racing to be with her, they didn't quite make it by 4 minutes!  

Sorry its so long a story but I'm back at the beginning again, how do I recover?   How can I stop crying, if I think of the past I cry, if I think of the future I cry, if I think of sad or even happy times I cry, if I look at my grandchildren (mums great grandchildren who she adored) I cry.  I can't function :-( I can't sleep, I'm hardly eating as I feel physically ill if I do I'm just so broken.  

Any advice would be truly appreciated xx