I have cancer, I’m not a damn saint

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I need a little rant here people, please bear with me…

Everyone was shocked at my news, it stopped us all in our tracks. Very early on I made the call that I would expect the best and plan for the worst. The worst is the five year survival rate of 15% so all my decisions are based on 5 years or less. If I’m the anomaly and beat the odds, then great! Being a long term meditator has prepared me on a level for death as the Buddhist tradition (which has been part of my meditation practice) is that we are all dying and it helps us to live well if we accept that fact with detachment and perhaps acceptance.

Early days but treatment is going well, immunotherapy isn’t like chemo, less harsh. Yes I’m tired a lot, deep fatigue is the order of the day but I’m managing my energy to keep doing the things I love, living life and finding the joy. I have amazing ongoing support from family and friends, everyone wants to see me beat this, is really positive and keeps telling me that I’m being incredible, an inspiration. Many people have said ‘you can talk to me about anything, anytime’.

But ..

Sure they’re happy to be supportive if I’m dealing with bad news but if I’m dealing with the everyday, getting frustrated with my lack of energy, the fact that my once fit, graceful and agile body has put on weight, that my muscle mass is decreasing and I’m feeling weak and tired and pissed off with it, I get told how unimportant that is, how I shouldn’t be worrying about that, isn’t it disappointing that I’m still concerned with such trivial things? When I confessed to my yoga teacher (also a good friend), that I was being confronted with some big issues and needing to dig deep, her response was ‘why the hell do you need cancer to dig deep? You should have been doing it all the time’. It’s like I have to be some kind of saint, not just an ordinary person any longer. I find I’m being less honest with people I love because of these responses. I feel patronised and that my perhaps petty feelings should be so summarily dismissed.

I’d not want to lose these people and wish at the time I could respond appropriately but all I feel is hurt so I say nothing, change the subject, let it go cos it’s all small stuff really. Aaargh!!!

Rant over, thanks for listening.

TheGoodLifeNZ 3 months ago in reply to Coddfish

Hi Coddfish,

That’s excellent news you’re in remission! I’ve had good news too - it’s only been a few months but it looks like the immunotherapy is working with tumours shrinking. I know intellectually that I shouldn’t worry about the toll on my body, but can’t help how frustrated I feel, like I’ve aged decades in less than a year.
anyway there I go ranting again when it’s actually been a good day, making preserves, walking the dogs on the beach and doing some necessary jobs on the smallholding where my husband Roger and I live .

TheGoodLifeNZ 3 months ago in reply to Moi2

Hi Moi and Ulls,

A rusty vampire, that made me laugh out loud at the image in my head. Great it works for you though

TheGoodLifeNZ 3 months ago in reply to eddiel

Hi Eddie, the smallholding is a lifelong dream for both of us. We’re really into good food, growing it, raising it and of course eating it, plus wanted to live closer to the land and nature. We moved here 5 years ago when Roger needed to retire because of health issues. The plan was for Roger to be at home sorting things on the ‘farm’, while I continued working in a job I loved and was relatively well paid for. This would hopefully have allowed us to do all the repairs and alteration's necessary to get the smallholding to the point where it could support us. Between Roger’s cancer, and now mine, we are well into plan B .. just haven’t figured out what plan B is yet!
I’ve mentioned elsewhere the odd silver linings to all this and being able to spend more time at home, in the garden, both flower and veggie is definitely one of them. Love that you have an allotment, such a good idea. There’s something so soothing about getting your hands into dirt and being outside. Xx

eddiel 3 months ago in reply to TheGoodLifeNZ

Hi Guilia, great to hear immunotherapy is working, but always with a physical price, as you say frustrating, I think I would have said something slightly stronger. Sorry to hear your plans for the smallholding have to change, It must be tough on both of you, but it does sound like a wonderful place you have and a fab way of living,. growing your own, having fresh organic food all year round is so fulfilling. There's something magical about sowing a seed, watching it grow, harvesting it and preparing it for a meal with family. I grow a few flowers but mostly fruit + veg and a few hens, eggs only, these days HT has made me soft, It was my escape but this year have needed help from family,

Eddie xx