I need a little rant here people, please bear with me…
Everyone was shocked at my news, it stopped us all in our tracks. Very early on I made the call that I would expect the best and plan for the worst. The worst is the five year survival rate of 15% so all my decisions are based on 5 years or less. If I’m the anomaly and beat the odds, then great! Being a long term meditator has prepared me on a level for death as the Buddhist tradition (which has been part of my meditation practice) is that we are all dying and it helps us to live well if we accept that fact with detachment and perhaps acceptance.
Early days but treatment is going well, immunotherapy isn’t like chemo, less harsh. Yes I’m tired a lot, deep fatigue is the order of the day but I’m managing my energy to keep doing the things I love, living life and finding the joy. I have amazing ongoing support from family and friends, everyone wants to see me beat this, is really positive and keeps telling me that I’m being incredible, an inspiration. Many people have said ‘you can talk to me about anything, anytime’.
But ..
Sure they’re happy to be supportive if I’m dealing with bad news but if I’m dealing with the everyday, getting frustrated with my lack of energy, the fact that my once fit, graceful and agile body has put on weight, that my muscle mass is decreasing and I’m feeling weak and tired and pissed off with it, I get told how unimportant that is, how I shouldn’t be worrying about that, isn’t it disappointing that I’m still concerned with such trivial things? When I confessed to my yoga teacher (also a good friend), that I was being confronted with some big issues and needing to dig deep, her response was ‘why the hell do you need cancer to dig deep? You should have been doing it all the time’. It’s like I have to be some kind of saint, not just an ordinary person any longer. I find I’m being less honest with people I love because of these responses. I feel patronised and that my perhaps petty feelings should be so summarily dismissed.
I’d not want to lose these people and wish at the time I could respond appropriately but all I feel is hurt so I say nothing, change the subject, let it go cos it’s all small stuff really. Aaargh!!!
Rant over, thanks for listening.
OMG ‘moobs’! I’d never heard that before, made both of us laugh. Sorry to hear your psa is rising, it’s that sword of Damocles that all cancer patients experience .. will it go away or come back 
?? I didn’t know it was possible to stay on the HT but it sounds like you and your moobs are good friends now.
All the best Guilia
