Pessimistic and no faith!

good morning and hope you are well. Oh yes I do so love an in and out hospital visits. Back tomorrow for chemo, 9am this week not 8am. Still, early though lol Lovely day yesterday, walked to local high street and had a pub lunch, scampi and chips, went down a treat. Ooooooh I love Welbeck Farm Shop, spend an absolute fortune though when I go in there. But it is true right, local farm shop food is deeeeeeeeelish. Sounds wonderful your trip to the allotment, hope it all went well and I don't doubt for one minute that family and friends didn't not love the farm shop goodies. Dinner at the youngest today sounds amazing. 5 kids, wow, that's ace, what a fun time you will have, enjoy yourself, you deserve it. Love the sound of the t shit task, I do love arty things and it will keep you occupied and distracted and that's always a good thing. I never see the Oncologist either, I always see one of the team and it's always been somebody different which I'm not sure is a good things. Mind you I had a telephone appointment last time and the top dog Oncologist rang me, I must of been honoured that day. He was very thorough and did a really good job, more so than his underlings I'm sorry to say. I had a quick look at this Aurora, it looks great but can only peeps living in the remit area access it? We're in Nottingham. Well, will I get in the garden today or not? It is certainly my intention. We shall see shall we lol Whatever you may be doing, enjoy and take care

Morning Marie, Good luck with chemo tomorrow and an extra hour in bed too, Nice to see you got out yesterday and scampi too, I love fish too though not a fan of chips salad for me every time. Allotment lunch went well, just enough food to go round, as you say welbeck is pricey but worth it, family dinner today made some cornflake buns, "without water", to take for little ones and a cheesecake for us older kids. Finished the t-shirt and as i bought quite a bit painting gear will keep at it as i found  it so relaxing. Apart from one phone appointment with GP my week is my own, Don't count my 7 therapy appointments as they are enjoyable. I have only seen my oncologist once in 20 months and my appointment next month is at my local hospital and not my cancer one, though hopeful i will get answers. Sorry your not eligible for Aurora, which is odd as Nottingham council fund Aurora, though you do have a Maggies in  Nottingham on the city hospital campus who are also wonderful. I hope you get out to the garden today I'm off soon for a hour then off to the mad house for dinner,

Eddie

Hi Marie. A little late today, slept in, I never sleep in 10.30am I got up, woke up by Poppy my Jack Russell, usual 5.30am to 6am, weird, though i feel ok which I am guessing you don't after your chemo this morning though i hope everything else went well. I have been to my hospice for counselling then Aurora for a light exercise session which was a bit of a struggle at times, Had a word with Emma Walker, Aurora  boss, she said give her a call and she will see what they can offer though counselling is only for locals, saw two lots of geese flying north today, always a good sign and managed just half a hour on the allotment ,just a chat and a cup of bovril. Tomorrow Identity and loss group, a massage then Maggie for relaxation therapy if i can find a spot to park the car. If your feeling ok tomorrow have you any plans or are you just going to see what Tuesday brings. take care,

Eddie

Good morning and hope you are well. How lovely having a sleep in, I hope it refreshed you and you felt well. You're right, I had a dreadful day yesterday. Night before last, for some unfound reason, I had less than two hours sleep. I was just wide awake and because I was, dark thoughts kicked in and my anxiety levels went up. I still arrived for chemo at 9am but then had a 4 hour wait. Because, they said, my treatment hadn't been authorised. They initially advised it was because there was something wrong with my bloods but they went on to say there was actually nothing wrong with my bloods. They advised the problem was the doctor's strikes. Sounds like bullshit if you ask me. By the time I got home I was completely exhausted, fell asleep, and woke up at 5 this morning. I hope your day went well and your counselling session helped. You do really well to manage an exercise session, you really have to recognise your limitations with these things don't you. Thank you for speaking to the Aurora boss, that's great, I shall look in to this. Half an hour at the allotment is a good thing and I'm really happy to hear you made it. Mmmmmmm Bovril! I love it!! I hope your identity and loss group goes well. And your lovely massage. Let me know how goes it. Not sure what I am doing today. I was that exhausted yesterday I can't remember the conversation I had with my partner lol He will be working today but sometimes finds time to do something. I notice there is a missed call on my mobile from yesterday from the oncologists secretary asking me to call her. I'm presuming this has something to do with my scan results and, of course, typically, I have presumed this will be a bad thing. But I'm going to try to keep negative thoughts at bay today. Enjoy your day and take care.  

Moring Marie a 4 hour delay, you just don't need that, and they could not even give you a honest answer why, anyway you got through it and are home again, I remember having 2 hour sleep for some time and your right about where your thoughts take you. exercise a bit of a struggle but enjoyable as always, counselling a little breakdown, but Jo my counsellor always gets me to open up and i feel better after it. busy today so only a quick visit to allotment, I miss a few calls too and i know some are important but why do they withhold their number so you can't call back, Wow a phone call from oncology you are lucky, though we always assume the worst and why wouldn't we, keeping busy is my remedy for dark thoughts, it helps a little. Forgetting conversations is this a new thing, i can empathise it's something none of us needs. take care.

Eddie

Good morning and hope you are well. Sorry to read that counselling was a breakdown, it's so tough I know but glad to hear that after opening up you felt better. I slept much better night before last and on getting up in the morning Oncology were ringing me again from 9am. The oncologist wants to see me tomorrow. I must admit their urgency to see me triggered my anxiety and bad thoughts so I took myself off in to the garden. Finally!! I managed to start tidying the patio, cleaned and weeded the plant pots and troughs, trimmed back the dead, picked up all the dead leaves etc. There was new growth in the troughs and flowers were appearing already. I really enjoyed  myself and it did me the world of good, completely erased the dark, intrusive thoughts. Dependent on how I feel energy wise today I shall continue where I left off. Forgetting conversations is not a new thing, no. It only happens when I am exhausted. When I am listening to somebody when I feel like this I don't believe I am paying attention and struggle to retain what's been said. The following day I struggle to remember but when prompted I'm like oh yes I remember now. I also may have watched something on  TV but can't remember that either. I just get so tired sometimes. How are you feeling today and what plans have you? 

Morning Marie, I am ok, great you slept well but the phone call from oncology would occupy my thoughts too, why do we always assume it's never good news, though happy you finally got into the garden, fresh air and exercise and doing something you like is so good for your wellbeing. I find it difficult to stay absorbed in conversations, my mind just wanders though it must register on some level as like you prompting helps. I think rain due this afternoon so you better get on the garden this morning. I am taking my eldest to Radcliff on Trent to see her odd "that is not a typo", Uni friends, will take Poppy and have a walk by the river, then later if raining will carry on with T-shirt 2, Wishing you all the best for tomorrow and sending hugs, take care. Eddie

Maria you have probably noticed that apart from Lindasue's post 10 days ago it has been only you and me posting for 17 days on here, If you want to friend me so posts are private or carry on as is, it is up to you i an happy either way,

Eddie

Hi Marie, I'm so pleased going into the garden helped. I always think it takes your mind off things when you can find something you enjoy to do. T is great to see the new growth at this time of year!

I hope your meeting with oncology turns out ok tomorrow!

Good morning and hope you are well. Yes, it is the dreaded appointment today and I'm not there until 4. Would have preferred to go early and get it over with. I think I have presumed it's bad news because it's come straight after the scan and it's not a routine appointment. I already have an appointment week after next and I'm presuming should it be positive news they would have just waited until then. Of course its all purely speculation but you do tend to pick up on their routines and how they work. Not looking forward to it at all and starting to fret. The good news is I had a lay in this morning. Woke up at 8:30. That's a first for me. I was still awake through the night but did fall back to sleep which usually doesn't happen. I didn't get in the garden yesterday. My energy levels were right down and fatigue had kicked in. In fact aside from a nice soak in the bath I did little else. Never mind, it's the nature of the beast. I shall wait for energy levels up and get back out there for sure. I hope you had fun with your eldest. What is an odd? How did you get on with the T shirt and what plans have you for today? Take care and enjoy