I think I've hit a new low, even though I'm reading other posts about how optimistic some people are.
Didn't feel well Sunday, not bad enough to call for help, but made me more scared about being on my own at home. A friend is coming tomorrow and I'm counting how many hours I've got to get through before she is here. But then she'll only be here a few hours and I'll be alone again.
I don't know how much stamina I have for trips out now, maybe will find out tomorrow as we hope to go out. I know it will help my mental state if I can get out, though I worry I will pass out. Maybe I have to take that risk.
Though I find my outpatients exhausting to travel back and forth to, at least I am with people for a while. But it's not how I want to spend the time I have left.
I've sent an email to some local people who said they would help me but haven't done much, almost begging someone to come and visit. Though I am supposed to have some palliative care visits, it all seems to be 'in the system' and I don't know when it will actually happen.
My dilemma is that if I go into the hospice, I can't have platelet support for my leukaemia so it will considerable shorten my life. But I feel I will be warm, fed and cared for. Doesn't help that it's the middle of winter. Some people say I'll feel better in spring but that's so far off.
I know no-one else can make the decision for me, and no-one, not even the doctors, can tell me how much time I have left if I continue with treatment. I keep putting off the decision to go to the hospice, thinking it's sensible to wait until I can see the palliative care counsellor. Or wait to see my friend tomorrow, though we have discussed it all before. Even if I decide, I will have to wait for a bed to be available.
Between a rock and a hard place.
Tessa
