“ it’s not you, it’s me “

Dear dyslexic professor, thank you for contribution, I definitely seemed to have hit a nerve with this thread and I hope it has helped by allowing forum members to acknowledge the hurt caused by these reactions. I think once you’ve named something it gives it less power and that can only be a positive thing. I’ve learnt to be more realistic about people, we all have our weak spots cancer or no cancer and overall members of the public are at least very helpful and kind to me, as in my case it’s obvious I’m not at the peak of physical fitness ! 

Hi  Jane

I have begun to think of you with a hammer in your hand, reaching out to whack nails right on the head. You are again spot on. 

I was with my oldest family friends this weekend after the meet up. They are in their 80s and the wife worked in a hospice. We systematically talked through the news from each of large families but they were almost studious in avoiding asking about me. Was it manners? Was it because they didn’t want to know for fear of what they might hear? Did they not want to upset me? I just don’t know but I respected their obvious lack of inquiry. 

As for my other friends, I think I’ve been very lucky. So many of my friendships have deepened since my incurable diagnosis and as my health has deteriorated. My friends seem determined to be with me come what may. I am very matter of fact about what’s going on and they do tell me how brave I am and that I’m an inspiration and that’s fine. I think, after reading this discussion, that they may be brave too as it’s likely I do personify deep fears for at least some of them. 

xx

Dear daloni, I think in fact your last sentence actually hit the nail on the head, the people who stay with you don’t necessarily do it because it’s easy for them, they do it even though it means having to face their own fears, and that’s what makes them brave and it’s good to acknowledge that.

you have captured what I was trying to say only you express it so much more eloquently. People are terrified of cancer and with good reason as we know. It’s a horrible thing. Many years ago, the breast care nurse said that you can only deal with it as the person you are. Some people seem to think you should become someone else, brimming with optimism and positivity. I think they hope that they would be able to do that if they had to deal with cancer. I agree with you about friendships. Some deepen and some wither and you can’t choose how any particular ones will turn out. 

Dear maybug, yes I agree daloni has a way with words, i think of her as the sage of the forum ! It’s a coincidence we should be discussing this subject as today I had a real life encounter with a neighbour who I had previously thought quite kind but hadn’t seen for a while. Well you would have thought he had encountered someone with an UXB as he attempted to break the land speed record in order to avoid a stop and chat ! To be honest I would normally have shaken it off but I was taken by surprise by his reaction and let it get to me. I’m feeling very cross with myself right now but it just goes to show even when you think you’ve got a handle on these things you can still be hurt. He’s off my Christmas card list that’s for sure !

Hi Jane (Johnty), Yes I've experienced that too with a neighbour but he was in such a hurry to get away, he put his back tyre over the coping stone and had to get a few people to help him get the car back on the path! Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways!! LOL!! Don't people know yet, it's not contagious!

Dear Annette, you’ve made me feel so much better ! 

Hi Jane, I'm so pleased to hear that! I hope it lasts!