Feeling lost after finishing treatment

Hi there, I am new to this site and came across this thread.  I am feeling the exact same way,  I was diagnosed last June after my first ever mammogram and then what followed was a whirlwind of appointments, prodding and poking, surgery and emotion.  I feel very much like u have been lucky as i only needed a lumpectomy and radiotherapy followed by Tamoxifen.  However I now feel utterly lost. I feel so scared about the future, constantly worrying that it may return, I don't feel like I can talk at home as I think people are of the opinion that "it's over" and I should just be getting on with life as normal.  My partner has been amazing but now that "its over" he won't address it at all (his father has terminal cancer so I think he thinks I should just count myself lucky and move on now). 

In some ways it's a comfort to know that other people who have experienced cancer feel the same way but I really would like to know how to get past this and start feeling like me again. 

Hey Lillytee, nope ur not alone at all, sorry you feel the way you do, it is tough. Being on this site has helped me just by reading similar stories. Have you thought about counselling? Thats wot im going to try, ive had my assessment and feel bwtter just knowing its a step forward. I know exactly wot u mean about the "being over" bit cos i feel that too. Everyones journey is different, unique, but plz reach out as u have done. Always here if u want a chat. Take care. X

Hi Lillytee and welcome to this corner of the site. Have a look through the thread as you will some some useful information that can help you navigate these challenges.

Hi Lilytee, Tealover99 and Slinx,

I can relate to so much of what each of you says about life post treatment!

I've just passed my 2 year anniversary of my major body-changing surgery (pelvic exenteration) and I'm about to have my final scan of the period of close 6-monthly monitoring that goes with it. 

I don't actually feel like I can celebrate anything related to 'surviving' this experience. I think it's partly because it's still hard to believe that it happened to me at all - though I have plenty of scars to prove that it did! After the first year anniversary I had what seemed to be PTSD symptoms - panic attacks and reliving the experience as intensely as I did at the time. I had 6 sessions of counselling through Macmillan which I found really useful. This year, while I was very preoccupied with memories of my diagnosis and treatment, these thoughts were less intrusive and intense this time, thankfully.

I too feel cut adrift as hospital appointments start to become fewer. I feel this should be a cause of celebration, but weirdly it's definitely not! I felt cared for and the regular hospital visits have become such a huge part of my life for the past 3 years since diagnosis. It's all very confusing, but the feelings are very real and I suppose justified given the enormity of the experience and the centrality of these appointments in my recent life.

At t his point, I realise that I will never go back to being 'the old me' - too much has happened and I don't think anyone can go through an experience of cancer and treatment unchanged. I am now trying to work out  how the experience has changed me and who the 'new me' is. I'm not expecting an answer anytime soon - it's definitely a work in progress! Right now, I know that I am looking after my body better than I ever have - I eat better and take more exercise which definitely helps. I've reduced my work hours too. I'm looking for new things that are going to make me feel more fulfilled and  feel better in myself.

I also think we are all changed by the fact that cancer never truly goes away. It's something that stays with us in one way or another - the physical and emotional affects of treatment, or the anxiety about recurrence.

Having a space like this to share these experiences, thoughts and feelings is part of our recovery - we know we are talking to people who totally 'get it'!

Keep talking and sharing!

All the best,

Osboz