Constantly mentions having had cancer

Hey MikeyLad

I am not from this group but your post resonated with me as I have been on both sides of this.

Firstly I had a friend the exact same as yours for this. I met her a few years after her treatment and of course it was traumatic. It did change her life forever. 

However I also found that every conversation did turn around to her having had cancer. Her buzz line was 'when I had cancer' and I could count several times when any conversation would be interjected by this. I can only assume that your friend is still very affected by the experience and it is very difficult to put behind them. There is the fear of recurrence even if you are all clear. Maybe she needs some after cancer support or counselling on how to move forward? Tricky to broach of course.

The other side of this is I was also diagnosed with cancer just over a year ago. I hate talking about it and avidly avoid it with people. People bring it up a lot and some of those I begin to avoid. One particular friend was very supportive. I can bump into to her quickly in the street and she will always bring it up within about a minute which I hate. She also loves to tell me how 'amazing' I am which also infuriates me. Sadly I avoid her because of this which is a shame. I too need to broach this gently with them again about how I hate it but it's hard to do.

We are all different is what I am trying to say here. Some will be like your friend and others like me.

Hi MikeyLad, I wonder whether cancer treatment was the first time in her life that your friend has felt like the centre of attention?  So perhaps it is hard for her to let go of that feeling.  I am 18 months on from diagnosis now, and the good news for me is that I am all fixed.   If someone mentions that I had cancer I am quick to add that I no longer have it, partly to put others at ease in case they do not know what to say to me.  I admit that I do like it if people tell me that I am doing well, looking healthy, been brave, etc but I am aware that I can't dine out on it indefinitely, because my treatment and my recovery is all over and done with now. I think some people in my life have already  forgotten that there was ever anything wrong and while I feel secretly a bit miffed by that (because of course I had a horrible time for a while) I realise it is inevitable since my appearance and lifestyle are back to normal.  Has your friend got other things to focus on, like work or hobbies?

2 years is a bit early to be sure, but it is an achievement so I would be proud of it too.

Hi MikeyLad,

I may be wrong, but from what you’ve written, it sounds like maybe there is quite a bit of frustration in your relationship at the moment? I was only thinking that when you were talking about “winning” an argument. That to me suggests a bit of competition in the relationship, and having grown up in a competitive household, that can sometimes lead to feeling like you want to use anything to feel like you are winning. I may be wrong, but perhaps you could open up to her about this competitiveness and see where it comes from? There may be some underlying frustration that it would good for you to both get out?

Hope this helps.

Greg

Gina, thank you. It's difficult to understand someone else's mind and I learned that a while back.

I just want to know what I can do, to help her look ahead, instead of always bringing nearly EVERY conversation back to "when I had cancer".  

I understand that it was in no way a pleasant experience for her, quite the opposite. That goes without saying. Life hasn't always been easy for her, she doesn't have a great amount of friends and her family are.... a challenge.  So it may be a way of getting some much needed attention, which i don't suppose I can blame her for. 

I too have had a brush with it, basal cell carcinoma, which (Thanks to a quite brilliant consultant dermatologist) meant I was fortunate not to require a gigantic amount of surgical attention.

It was 8 years ago.

And here's the rub.... I NEVER mention it (this is the 1st time since surgery!).  I don't talk about it,  because I'm reminded about it every time I look in the mirror. I don't want sympathy, sorrow or to even have it brought up in conversation.  I hear tou on the infuriation side lol. My mum mentions it every time I see her and tells me how "brave" I was!  Bless her.

I know, many will say, we're all different and I know we all deal with things in different ways. I'm not knocking her for it, I just don't think it's a healthy way to think or behave. That's why I want to 'help'.

I think if a few people said that's the way they dealt/deal with it, that it's quite normal and that she'll get to grips with it, that I'd feel good for her.  I simply don't think that's the case though, she seems almost fixated with having had cancer. 

Sorry, I'm pretty poor at putting thoughts into words. I've probably made myself sound like I don't care, but I really do. I just want to see her doing well and looking ahead.

So grateful for your response.

Mike

LittleRunner. 

First off, I'm so glad you no longer have cancer. 

It is a horrible thing, and mine was no big deal, in the grand scale of cancer possibilities . But it was still an awful thing to be told I would require treatment for. Some like being told they're "brave", others hate being told they've "survived", some relish every chance to (As you put it, very wonderfully) dine out on it.

It's a difficult subject to broach and sometimes, even people who know you inside out, people just don't know what to say. 

My friend has become quite a bitter person. Her employers didn't deal with her news in a positive way. In fact, they were less than supportive. So she gave up working there and now only has a few hours, in a voluntary position, to occupy her free time..  No hobbies either, but when ive ever suggested anything, she'll instantly dismiss it and say she has lots going on. 

I'm starting to feel bad that I've even considered bringing this up now. Maybe I'm not as good a friend as I thought I was. 

Thanks for your reply LR, very much!!

Mike

RareC. 

I'm very proud of the way she dealt with the whole situation, especially since there was a lot going on with her,  at that time.

I'm not knocking her for it, far from it. I want to help understand and maybe, just MAYBE, find a way to help her look ahead. 

Thanks for your message, 2lines but a good bit of perspective!

Mike

Greg777, 

Our friendship has no competitive side.

There are no frustrations between us.

I only see her now and again and, having had quite different lives, upbringing and life experience, we have never had a game of IRL Top Trumps. 

However, when other people disagree or take exception to what she says (and she can sometimes be a little opinionated), she plays the "cancer card"*, like her very own Get Out of Jail Free. 

I know she's had some frustrations in her life, more than her fair share. She's a lovely person but the whole cancer thing seems to be holding her back, from looking forward.

Finally, that's what I've been trying to say for like the past however many messages. Finally. 

The competitiveness, yes, there definitely seems to be a bit of that going on, with others, whereas with me she will only ever draw comparisons with, for other people's benefit. I may chat with her about this, definite food for thought.  

Thank you very much, for your reply.

Mike

*oh, a phrase I'm aware OTHER people use, in relation to my friend! :(

Hi again Mike.  It sounds like your friend needs something else in her life, to eclipse the bad memories of her illness.  It must have been very upsetting for her that her employers did not support her.  I remember that I was very upset by some people's reactions to my illness at the time however those memories have faded and things have moved on for me. I hope your friend can find something to look forward to.  Best wishes to you both.

Thankfully we're all different in views and lifestyles, that's what makes us individuals.  Some ike to discuss their illnesses with others and dwell on what has happened!  Others prefer to keep it private.  When diagnosed 5 1/2 years ago my husband knew.  My son was only told when I was about to start treatment, and to this day I am sure that some neighbours can only surmise what was wrong with me!  Wasn't on the scene for a few months, but didn't feel the need to discuss my illness with anyone - but that is just me - others are different!  Now in remission I don't feel the need to mention it.

My point - my husband feels the need to tell everyone what will listen what I have been through!  Before you berate him for this action, his first wife died from cancer.  We have been married for 36 years now but I know that he is grateful how far treatment has progressed.

Perhaps your friend had an experience of death from cancer in the past and feels the need to remind herself (and anyone who will listen) that she has survived and has no-one else to tell.  Just a thought!  Don't indulge in her cancer chat.  Many people are going through worse life experiences that are not cancer related!  Time to go forward, cancer is in the past, gone.  Mxx