I'm in pain because I could not protect my partner

I lost my life partner of 10 years on December 14th 2021.


I'm still immensely ruptured. And still trying to make sense of it all. I just feel I wasn't able to protect him, this stays with me from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. Life is futile now, I feel I have less reason to go on by myself day by day. I plough on, the body is willing but my spirit is no longer alligned.
I do hope you understand what I am feeling. I feel so sorry that my partner did not get to live his life, we had gentle simple plans ahead of us, these are gone forever now. I am just hemorrhaging inside by his absence, and his loss. He was such a wonderful man. Selfless, kind, kept it simple. Courageous till the end. I miss him terribly.
I wish we had never gone to Hospital. I truely feel had I wrapped him out of sight and out of mind during the two Covid stranglehold on the NHS, he would certainly still be alive today. I live with this feeling deep in my gut every day. I feel I failed him. I miss him more than words will ever portray. Mistakes cost his life. Snap decisions. I wish I hadn't been so trusting...
I just know had he stayed away from the hospital, the mistakes would not have happened. We shielded throughout, neither my partner or I caught Covid. We didn't engage with anyone else. My partner unfortunately engaged with the system, they made a cost balance analysis and decided they were not going to save him, amidst a bed, nurse, doctor and services shortage.
Every day is another day I have to live with this injustice. Every day is one more day without my life partner.
It gets harder. It gets more painful. Everything is brutal in its cementing of what has passed, what is now, and the bleakness and futility of what's to come.
This nightmare just tightens its grip on a daily basis. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to protect my love, I failed him. The system failed him. He deserved better.
I just want my partner back and I know that will in the end continue to devastate any fragment of my own wellbeing.
  • Wow. This is so hard to read. I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the size of your pain. It is so rare to find real long-term relationships, especially in our community. 

    My partner of 15 years has recently been diagnosed with a stage-4 glioblastoma, and my feeling is similar - all I ever wanted was to protect him, but I couldn't. And reading this breaks my heart.

    And here's the truth. We can't, unfortunately. And things happen because they happen. It was not your fault. Don't beat yourself up because of it. You didn't fail him. I am sure you were there for him every step of the way, and that was massively valuable and appreciated. You made his time better, I'm sure. We can't control what is outside of our control, and a lot isn't with cancer.

    Know this. You will heal. Everything you are feeling is ok and normal. And you will get through it. I know it's probably not what you want to hear right now, but take care of yourself.

    Sending you lots of love and peace.

  • Limao,

    Thank you for your beautiful and carefully considered response. It truely is difficult to accept my reality. Your words and kindness, though, have provided a temporary rest bite from the cruelty and fragility of this rupture.

    May I wish that your partner and you are held, supported and kept safe in your current circumstance. You have my understanding, and if you ever need someone to help carry the load, please let me know.

    Take care