New member looking for advice

Hi Dom,

I’ve not been in your position but my husband had TPE April last year due to rectal cancer.  He also struggled to come to terms with the loss of sexual function -he’s 47 so not anything we imagined we’d have to deal with at his age. I just wanted to share 2 things in the hope it may help a little.

Firstly, although of course I miss what we had, it in no way diminishes my love, attraction or the sense of wholeness and safety I feel when I’m with him. We’re closer and stronger than ever, and I genuinely value what we have now more than I ever did. We are still loving, affectionate and intimate-just in a different way. I don’t say this to diminish your feelings as they’re totally valid - just to share a wife’s perspective that having him here to cuddle, love and laugh with is more than enough to keep me happy and fulfilled. 

secondly, we never asked about options and assumed from what they told us there were no options, as well as him having little feeling other than discomfort. As time went on he got some feeling back and the pain has hugely improved. He then had his 1 year follow up appointment and the consultant casually dropped in that he was referring him to be provided with support for sexual function. He was supplied a pump and although he hasn’t yet tried it as it only arrived last week, and i know won’t be quite the same as before, he now an option we can explore. It may be worth bringing up with your consultant to see if this is an option for you if it’s something you think you may want to look into. 

I wish you all the best with your recovery - it seems like it goes so slowly but looking back now, 16 months post surgery, it’s incredible to see how far my husbands come and how much everything has improved.

Rose and Latestart, Thank you so much for telling me your stories and showing me that I am not unique or alone. I'm usually pretty up-beat and a pragmatist, which turns out to be far more of a curse than a blessing. 

And, Sarah. Thank you for that wonderful link. I've read it through and will do so again tomorrow.

I know what I have to do - I have to accept the way things are now. Any other course of action will just cause me problems of my own making. 

I'm not depressed and I'm certainly not suicidal (after everything I've been through just to survive!?) I'm just going through a period of self reflection and appraisal. Which I think is essential if I'm to have a clear picture of what's left of the old me and what's different in the new me. 

You have all helped me see things in a clearer light and I'm extremely grateful. 

Thank you.

Dom. x 

Hi Dom,You have been through a huge operation and it’s bound to take time to adjust to the change.Almost 7 years ago I had urgent bladder removal lost my gynae organs and underwent major changes internally.The latter has affected my physical relationship but my partner of 24 years is just glad I survived when it looked doubtful.We are closer than ever.My best wishes to you for the future.Love Jane xx