Ileostomy and relationships

Hi and welcome to your online community and the stoma support group and may I say how sorry am I to see you here and in the Bowel (colon and rectal) cancer forum group.

Unfortunately you are not alone but that does not make it any easier for you to handle and to understand why your partner is rejecting you.

There are many reasons why a partner may reject someone who they have been in a loving relationship for many years and for you to experience this after 17 years brings doubts into you the person when in actual fact very little has changed with you, you are still as attractive as you were before your surgery and I've no doubt that you are ugly what you are however is suffering from lack of confidence brought on by your partners lack of understanding of that, although you've have had surgery to your body, everything still works in the same way as before but needs to be tweaked a bit and after all being in relationship is all about experimenting and finding new positions and there are so many to choose from

But how do we get your partner interested again, someone once commented on another site when this subject was being discussed "What male will refuse it if it's on offer", so why is he rejecting you and I afraid the first step here is to get him to talk to you and find out why and you'll,hopefully, find that he has got the wrong end of the stick.

If he opens up to you you may find that he

Thinks he may hurt you and your stoma.

No but you will need to adjust your position

Will the bag burst

It is possible but if you empty it before you start and it looks like it's attached okay and no sign of leak, it shouldn't

Will the bag get in the way.

If you empty before you start you will be able to fold up your pouch and secure it by wearing a scarf or similar round your waist it shouldn't, however if you are wearing a two piece pouch you can turn it round horizontally.

It takes away the spontaneity of enjoying each other but you could change your pouch and attach a small pouch called a cap which could solve the problem.

If you are brave enough a company called Vanilla Blush has a range of, shall we say, seductive items in the Intimacy that might get him going.

Failing that we all know that it can one to make the first move whether it be snuggling into him on the sofa, a fleeting touch of the hand, a quick kiss as he comes in from work, apologies for the this if you sharing a bed spooning up to him putting your arm around him and who knows what will happen if your hand "accidentally strays" downwards!!!!

It maybe that you both need to have some counselling and I would suggest that you speak with your GP about this and hopefully he will be able to refer you to or suggest a counsellor for both of you to attend.

Also you can talk to your stoma care nurses they are trained in this type of situation.

None of us wants to discuss these things but talking with strangers in support groups like Relate can really be beneficial to both of you and I honestly hope that you can persuade your partner that this situation cannot continue and the need to talk is essential.

Whilst it can be hard on existing relationships to accept the new norm many people have started new relationships is probably much higher than you think but work has to go in to educating a new partner, with you having a long term partner it might be just as hard but being able to talk to him is the first step, its him who has the problem with the relationship not you, it would be a shame for you to have lost 17 years of your life because you needed surgery and ended up with a stoma bag.

If you don't mind, I've included below an Intimacy guide by the United Ostomy Associations of America which might give you a further insight into what is going on.

Don't give hope, whilst you are both living together there is always hope, if you can make the first steps (by fair means or foul) and get him to open up to you and discuss what he finds wrong with your relationship and hopefully he will be able to tell you what he thinks has changed with your relationship and if he has any suggestions how it can go back to way it was and even better.

My name is Ian and I'm and I'm here to chat to with you either here or by private message if you want to make a friend request click on my green name above this will take you to my home page then click on "Friend Request" and leave the rest to me, I'm on site 7days  a week from early morning until late in the evening if you need to chat to someone that you can confide in confidence or maybe you need a friendly ear to let off steam just give me a shout at anytime.

Ian

CC

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