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Dear Jeanette-jle,

Sorry to hear about your Mum. It's hardly surprising that you feel confused, worried and upset. No doubt you, like the rest of us, are desperate to find a magic solution to this horrid predicament. If only such a solution existed.

Sue and Jackie have suggested some excellent, practical steps you can take. I just want to echo the bit about you keeping in touch with the rest of us. Don't bottle things up; it's good to talk. Rest assured that folk here understand both sides of the Cancer 'thing', whether as family/carers or as patients. I myself have locally advanced prostate cancer, for instance, and I have observed some of my nearest and dearest being affected in a manner similar to yours.

For what it's worth, I found it helpful to speak openly about my condition with my loved ones. It seemed to take the sting out of it a little. I hope that you and your Mum can chat openly about it too.

Remember where we are, too!

Keith

Hello After reading your kind replies to me I broke down as I feel a little selfish as my mum who has cancer is 74 years old when there are so many a lot younger than her. It doesn't make it any easier for me and yesterday she cried about her grandchildren and how she had got to sort birthday cards for the rest of the year. I live very close to my mum so I can be with her, and my dad who is also suffering, whenever I'm needed. How do people cope? The tears are streaming down my face even now.

dear jeanette, its very hard............just take each day as it comes, nothing more nothing less, make the most of all the precious moments you have, jacks x

Dear Jackie and Keith,

Thank you for your replies. I have been trying to avoid the computer for a couple of days (to actually get some studying done) and I succeeded! Its so hard to get motivated and for the exams in June I very much carried on studying and sat the exams for my Dad but this time thats not working because all I can think is that he isn't there when I come home. I'm pulling myself together a bit now. Today is the beginning of my 10 days of study dedicated to Property law (and yes, its really really boring)... I just hope I can make it to the end of the 10 days without breaking down again. Its funny I think my 12 year old sister is a lot braver than me. She goes to school and just gets on with things. Anyway I'm rambling.

Keith - your family will be hurt. I know that sounds harsh but its true. I'm sorry for my bluntness but it'll be okay. They will be hurt but only because they truly love you and they will get through everything because they love you. I know my Dad wished the same for us - specifically telling each of us to carry on with our studies (he valued education because he himself didn't get the chance), get married to someone good and kind and enjoy the rest of our lives. In that last week after he was told they couldn't do anything more for him (they'd tried chemo but he was too sick to tolerate it), I think he saw for us our whole lives - full of success and happiness. I only hope that if I continue to study and try my best to be successful (i.e. getting a decent job -which is going to be tough right now) I can eventually learn to be happy again too. I will be happy again... just not straight away. And I know that, even when I'll be happy I will have moments of sadness. But having the sad moments makes me appreciate the happy ones even more. He meant so much to me and my family, we had our own little world.

Dad was dignified and almost regal. His strength astounds me. But I find that everyone I met in hospital - both other patients and family members - had this amazing strength... a strength borne out of love for each other. I have heard that prostrate cancer is one of the most easily treatable cancers and I hope with all my heart that you will be okay for as long as you can be (I know that cancer can come back but its something you have to fight and you clearly have a reason to fight - a family that loves you very much). I wish you and your family the very best. Make each day count and be frank with your family - tell them everything you want for them - write a letter even.

I'm sorry for anything I've said that may have been something I should not have said.

With my kindest regards,

Jenny

Jeanette,

I am very sorry to hear that your Mum has cancer. Please don't feel that her age means it should feel any easier for you. My Dad was 53 when he died but I know that even if he had been in his 70s I would have felt the same way. I'm not going to lie it is going to be difficult but you will get through it. You will cope. I have no idea how I've got through this year and to be honest I'm not sure how I'm still going. I feel like I just wnat to curl up like a baby and hide awy from everything. But thats not really an option. Is there any other family members or firends that can help you out a little (with the day-to-day stuff)? Make lists of what you have to do. I know it sounds silly but it really helps to get things done systematically. Research on the problem and the treatments available might help - especially when trying to make sense of what doctors are trying to tell you. I find that they forget that people who haven't studied medicine have a hard time understanding doctor-speak. Make sure you eat well and so does everyone around you. You need your energy (and your sleep). I don't know what else to say.

Best wishes,

Jenny

Hello, willowpoole, well your post got on here anyway! I feel for you, having been there at clinic so very often with our lass,( and unfortunately her cancer has never gone in 5 years)......CancerBackup which is now the same charity as this, did a booklet about 'after the cancer has gone' which i bet you'd find brilliant, and hopefully really useful, it might be worth giving them a ring to see if they still do it. As well as that, have you had a chat with a Macmillan nurse, or thought about some counselling, might be worth talking to your GP, there must be lots of folk who have been there before, too, and they must know all about how to help. You might just want to fill in and open a short profile so that other folk can see how best to help you, too, and also look on the 'tag' system on the left of your screen to see if your cancer type is there, if there are current threads about it, you might wish to join in and get more specific help that way.

But whatever, do keep posting! my very best wishes.......

Hi Willowpoole. At present i have bladder cancer and if you read my biography it tells you my journey so far...and it is a journey we all take whether it be having cancer or being a family member of some one who has cancer.....i have treatment for 3 wks then have a 6 to 8wk wait for a biopsy..and some times its the waiting that is the worst..not only for me but for my family...and as it gets closer its always in our heads (has it come back)...but you as a family have to stay strong and talk to each other about how you feel....as this is the only way you can beat this... and get on with your lives as normal as possible...its not easy i know....but YOU need to stay positive as well...and this is a good place to speak to people who are going through what you are going through....someone will always be here to listen...take care ..jonboy..x

Dear Jenny Law

I've just read and re-read your message (#703 above). It's very profound. Thank you!

I'll be thinking of you as you get to grips with the finer aspects of Property Law, surely a tough enough prospect without your personal grief holding you back. I hope you tackle it courageously, but as my old Gran used to say "Do your best. You can't do better than that!"

Tell us how it goes ... and more importantly how you're holding up. We're all willing you onwards - feel the force!! - but just remember to treat yourself like the delicate mechanism you really are. Don't overdo it. Don't bottle things up. Don't be afraid to laugh. Sleep normally. Eat well. Exercise a bit. You know the drill.

Best wishes

Keith

Hi moomy and jonboy. Thank you so much for your replies. I feel less alone already.

I am totally new to this type of communicating, so didn't realise that I needed to fill in the biography section. Will do that in due course - if I can find it again.

Husband and I have identified sources and types of help and have started on getting that sorted out. This is a HUGE step forward.

He finds getting help much harder than I do as he suffers from what I can only describe as something like "illness phobia". He has received treatment for his "hospital phobia" which means that he can accompany me to hospital / medical appointments now, but until this weekend he had been in full denial about the seriousness of his remaining unwellness connected with dealing with illness. I found it so hard to bolster him up psychologically whilst fighting my own battle with cancer. I am hopeful that for him, unlike me, there is a potential cure out there for his condition. It will certainly make my life easier! It feels so unjust that life's irony put us together.

Meanwhile, we will bumble our way along.
I am feeling the love coming out of this site ------ and add my own to the pot, especially m xxxx and j xxxx
willowpoole