hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx
i am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this, it is so heartbreaking to watch your parent deteriorate, when you feel so helpless isnt it? my heart goes out to you. the pain is unbearable and very hard to cope with. susan, amanda and alex are such wonderful women and will help to support you, as we all have been where you are now, and its awful. i will be thinking about you and your mum, i wish you some peace and strength, take care, lots of love and hugs karen xxx
Thanks for your reply. I know I'm further down the line than you in the grieving process but at the moment I feel as if I've taken ten steps backwards. My parents meant the world to me and like you I am heartbroken.I miss them so much. Just hoping to get through Christmas OK. I am a teacher of five year olds and it's really hard holding it together when I'm in amongst the tinsel and glitter and seeing their little faces light up.
Hi Karen, I’m hope I can catch you before you go away. No point asking how you feel I can see that it’s all very difficult and I’m sure the break away will be good for you. It’s true that wherever we go, we cannot hide from the loss but sometimes it just is even more challenging than normal. As for the counselling well, I think you just have to go with what feels right and if that’s January well so be it – if not then that’s ok too. You have to just take it all in your stride and not feel rushed or obliged – just do what you feel able to cope with and I’m sure you’ll be alright. I hope your packing plans are going ok and I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow when you go to you go their graves and as you say they are all around watching over us and whilst there is some comfort in that – sometimes it just seems to intensify the lack of their physical presence and there really is no compensating for that void. As for you saying to Louise that you having feelings of guilt, you have to put that all aside, it seems to me that nobody could have loved their parents anymore than you and I know that you would have done everything you could. There are so many things to go over really I think for us to try to give ourselves a reason as to why this had to happen – why us – why now- why when they were still so young and we all had so much living to do together. Sadly Karen, I have no answers and honestly not a day goes by when I do not reflect on all things feelings. I think that it is so difficult to embrace Christmas now as it just does not hold the same meaning as it did, it’s just not complete anymore. I know that as mum’s ourselves we do have to try and I am, because I know that last year I kept myself so busy and away from everyone that it all just passed me by in a daze. But now I need to focus on trying to make the effort for my family and because I know that’s what my mum and dad would have wanted. So I’ll be thinking of you, wishing you well and hoping that take care of yourself and that your family will continue to love and support you. I’ll look forward to seeing you soon and you’ll not be far from my thought- especially tomorrow () With love and many hugs Susan
Hi Louise, Good to see you and like many others I can so identify with your story. My dad died very suddenly nearly 2 years ago, he was 65 and it was out of the blue (he had cancer but was never diagnosed and was “fit and healthy” until 6 weeks before his death). Just like your mum, mine started to lose weight and became quite lethargic, we did get her to the doctors for investigations, on at least 3 occasions, until we were told to “back off” by her GP who accused us of increasing her own grief and exacerbating the symptoms which he assured us were “normal” for those who had lost a life partner. So please do not feel guilty about your own situation, just like mine, I doubt very much whether it would have had any influence at all on what was to happen. It sounds to me as if you were fantastic with your mum and you and your brother did everything you possibly could to enhance her life in a caring and loving way. She will know that everything you did was always in her best interests and that’s all you can do. This will be my second Christmas without both my parents and it is a little easier, if only because I know what to expect and I can assure you that nothing will ever be as awful as the pain you have already suffered and as for taking steps backwards I know just what you feel. Some days are better than others but the coming weeks really do seem to make the loss so much more real, because at the end of the day I think we all have so many happy memories of Christmas times that have past. So I think that all we can expect to do is just to get through it as best we can and hope that maybe next year will be easier. I would not get too concerned about still feeling sad after all this time, I think that is quite normal and reflects how much your parents meant to you and how much you miss them. I have now come to believe that I just have to go with how I feel each day, I do try to get on with life and I (hope!) I do not feel too sorry for myself, sad yes and I do have a huge void that can never be filled – I have lost a part of my life that can never be replaces so I am bound to be sad. Amanda has been for counselling so will have more insight into the value this may present for you – in the meantime, I can say, that being here for me, has provided invaluable support. Here, I feel among friends, others who are in a similar situation and who seem to know how I am feeling because they too are facing up to life without their loved ones and as someone else said in a strange way it’s reassuring. I hope this week goes well for you, I appreciate it must be very difficult given your job, I’m sure your mum and dad would be so proud of what you will be giving to the children and I wish you the strength to get through this and the following weeks. I hope to see you again soon, With love Susan
I'm so sorry about your mum and can appreciate how difficult it is for you at the moment. I wish you the strength to get through the next few weeks, appreciate every minute with your mum and keep them all in your memory. I'm sure she's so happy that you're just there loving and caring for her and that's the best thing you can do - be with here and cherish the moments.
How are you and how was your week? I was thinking particularly about the counselling session and of course your dad, the football and of course Rassay!.
I imagine that the level of excitement in your house with Aaron and Josie is on the increase and I hope that you are finding it ok to cope with? I have been back to my parents town this week to see my brother and his family and my mum and dad's neighbours. It's all very upsetting because all my married life I have travelled there at Christmas; it was so cold and somehow unfriendly and really I just wanted to come home - for the first time I had a sense they were not there and maybe here in my own home is where they are (unless they're on a beach in Tenerife!). Anyway I feel better now I'm home and aside of the obvious this week, it's been ok as I've steered away from cards and shops really.
I hope your week goes well, you sound as if you are doing ok just now and you are passing on valuable experience and insight to others which I think reflects that we are at diffferent stages of grieving. Nonethless, I am aware that we all also do have good days and ones not so good and so I am sending you my love and hope we'll catch up before Christmas Amanda,
Thank you so much for your reassuring words and I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. As I said in another post I have reading about how you and the others having been coping for quite a few weeks now. It’s funny how many of us have gone through similar situations and you are right, you do feel a sort of comfort from knowing that others are bearing the same pain. I know deep down that I did everything possible for my mum and I am trying really hard to come to terms with everything and move on. I think just the time of year and living on my own with no-one to come home and talk to has set me back a bit but I know I will get back on track. Mum and Dad would have wanted me to be happy again.
Your dad died young too. My dad died on the bowling green the day before his birthday. It was such a shock and it was not until my mum died that I realised that I did not deal with the loss of my dad at all really. It felt as if they had both died at the same time. At least Dad did not suffer like Mum. This time last year I was spending all my days at the hospice with her. She knew who I was but most of the time I don’t think she knew what was happening to her-perhaps this was a blessing. I wish you and everyone else peace this Christmas.
Thank you again.
Love Louise xxx *** Edited 17/12/2006 22:04:57 GMT by LouiseM***
I agree, I also did not grieve for my dad as there really just never was the time - all my energy went into firstly helping my mum to try to cope and readujst and the into caring for her. It would now be all so difficult to unpick where one loss ended and another started - I suppose in real terms that makes it so much more difcciult both to come to terms with and accept - especially as our parents were so young.
I hope you manage to get through the week ok - I know there's little choice but to plod on- especially in your context. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier but I know what the void is like and hwo it hurts inside.
Anyway we'll all be here thinking of you and wishing you well, delighted to see you to chat whenever you can pop by, so see you soon,
Off to bed to TRY and get some sleep (probably another reason I'm not coping well at the moment) as I've a dog to walk at 6:30 and then I'm marching my class of 28 to the church to rehearse for our nativity.
