my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hope you are doing OK.I've really been sruggling to cope recently-don't know why. I know we will all get through this-we have no option but to carry on-but it is hard isn't it? I'm not a winter person either so I suppose that's not helping either. Have been up since 4:00am and walked my dog. I stay in NE Scotland-Aberdeen-and it's absolutely freezing here today so I'm away to thaw out now!!

Take care

Louise xxx

Good to see you, I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on at school and when you finish for Christmas. It is a terrrible time of year, so cold (especially for you!) and dark and really quite unfriendly everywhere. I think the way you are feeling is not unusual given what has happened and for me at this time last year it really was just a matter of getting through each day. You're right there is no option and there is an awful realisation that no matter how much you want it, things will never been the same again. It has taken me so long to accept that and I'm not sure that I do even now but as time has passed I suppose that has changed. the other thing now is having been through all the first anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas I know what to expect and for me that has prepared me to cope and carry on. But it does take time and that is so much down to the individual and their relationships so, no need to worry you will get there and it will get easier. I do take some comfort of knowing that once my dad died my mum really did lose some of herself and she was never the same. She just wanted to be with him and I hope that now in some way they are together enjoying each other.

What are your plans for the next few days, are you going away or staying at home?

I'll be back later, in the meantime, keep warm and here's a little hug for you ()

love Susan

PS What kind of dog do you have?

Thanks for the reply. I wish I’d taken part in this forum a long time ago. Yes, realising that things are never going to be the same again is really hard for me to accept. Everything changed so much after my dad died and more change really scares me. Everyone thinks I’m fine now but I try to avoid socialising as much as possible and feel more secure staying in my own surroundings-how foolish am I?? Mum was my rock and I cannot believe that the death of both parents has affected every part of my life in such a massive way. (I’ve also lost both my grandmothers and a close uncle in the last 3 ½ years) I’m still on anti-depressants prescribed a few weeks before Mum died and although I feel they are helping me to get on with the day to day living, they don’t seem to have lifted my mood much. I have to see the dr again on Jan 5th so I’ll see what happens then. He says I have suffered a profound reaction and there’s nothing I could have done to stop it.

Sorry for rambling again.

I am going to see my brother and his family for a wee while on Christmas Day. They are then going to his in-laws for lunch. I was invited but I’m just coming home. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me-it’s just what I want to do. What about you?

Have just been to Tesco-it’s mad!!!

Thanks again.

Lots of love Louise xxx

PS

He is a spoiled cocker spaniel who is nearly 12 years old. I dread the day I lose him-he’s a good listener!! *** Edited 21/12/2006 21:09:47 GMT by LouiseM***

I know what you mean about joining earlier, I wish I had known about the site as I think it may have helped me realise that I was not completely mad and that my feelings were not abnormal. I only found this by chance, my mum had wanted me to visit a Macmillan Coffee Morning on behalf of my dad ( we did not know she would also be dead by then). I searched the web to find the coffee morning and found the site - ironic and if I was a great believer of fate, then I could imagine that after all this time my mum was trying to say I needed some kind of help! Still it's a bit strange and I have found talking to others has helped me to put my own loss into perspective both because of what has happened and is happening still to others and for me to take a step back and realise that I have moved on - albeit slowly and not always forward (sometimes I think you have to go a few steps back to really move on).

I would suggest that everything you are feeling is normal and part of the grieving process that some of us have to go through and from my own experience the only thing that has improved my mood (such as it is!) is time and the healing process that comes with that. I do have a supportive family but even they after time have found it difficult that I can still spend many hours upset. So I do now accept that for me compared with my brother and sister the intensity of the loss has been much greater and whilst I am not feeling sorry for myself I just recognise that I do miss my mum especially more than anything and nothing anyone can say makes that easier.

So I agree there is no way that anyone could predict how they will react, it is so personal depending on the relationships and we need not make excuses - the depth of loss is only equivalent to the depth of feeling. I cannot envisage that anything could be more difficult for you now since this has happened so I'm sure that there can be no more significant changes.

I imagine that school has finished now and that's another hurdle over, just the rest of the days to get through. Last year I had a large number of people around all the time and it is all just a haze when all I wanted to do was just hide!

I have my in-laws here this year which is also not easy but I know that for the sake of everyone else I do have to plod on and try! It's good that you have some plans - even if only for some part of the day!

So keep snug and I'll be in touch later, what's your dog called- he sounds a gem - just what you need, someone who will listen and not answer back!!

I'm sending you my love and I'll be wishing you comfort and strength over the next few days and weeks - you're not alone in the way you feel, so do pop by!

With love (())

Susan

I hope you are ok and that your Christmas plans for Aaron and Josie are going well, I think you may be in Eurodisney and, if so, I hope that you are having a truly wonderful time and I'll look forward to catching up with your news when you get home.

Love Susan

Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your words of wisdom and it is so good to know that you have experienced the same emotions as myself and that I’m not going mad! (some people would disagree!!!) It may not sound like it, but I don’t really feel sorry for myself, I just seem to be stuck at the moment and am just desperate to move on. I know what you mean about everybody being different though, and the loss that I feel has probably been much more intense than that of my brother. I miss them so, so much, but you are right, after reading what others are going through it puts everything into perspective.

School finishes today till Jan 8th so I’m just about to set off. We performed our little nativity twice yesterday so the children (and I) are shattered but it was a great experience for them.

I’m feeling a bit brighter today so I’ve decided to go to the cinema and for a meal with friends. (don’t know what to see) Hopefully I won’t fall asleep!!

Have you in-laws descended on you yet?

Thanks again Susan. You’ve been brilliant.

Love Louisexxxxx *** Edited 22/12/2006 08:02:03 GMT by LouiseM***

Yes I have been away to Eurodisney and it was lovely to be there, it also brought back alot of memeories of going to disney when I was little (we lived in Florida for a number of years when I was little and used to go pretty often) so it was lovely to share that with Aaron. And now back to reality - with a bump! Oh I cant believe it is here already and I still can not believe my mum has really gone, but there are way to many christmas presents wrapped to cancel it! Dad, my brother and his girlfriend are coming over tomorrow, my husband is taking Aaron to see his cousins and his other grandparents on Boxing day ( I am going to stay home with Josie to get house ready for friend coming from America on 27th) I did not think I could really handle the Boxing day Christmas at in laws - cowardly maybe but I will have alot to do so few good reasons for not going. My dad resigned from job whilst I was away which was pretty upsetting but on positive front it is probably just what he needs, a break and no pressure - he said he was getting chest pains aswell during games because of the stress of it so it is def for best, he doesnt need it especially at the moment. I know he feels bad because he thinks why didnt I just take more time out when they found out mum was ill again, but I know my mum liked him working and enjoyed going to the games too. Anyway sorry for going on, How are you doing I hope your okay too and feeling stronger than last year. I will be thinking about you and your family and send you love and strength over next few days/weeks. I will post as soon as I can but it might be after friend goes back home around 9th Jan we are going to go to ~Scotland at some point to see family and my friend loves it there too.

Take care Susan
Thanks for all your help and support I really appriciate it all.
Love and Hugs Amanda xxxxx

Nice to meet you and glad you had a good holiday. As I said in previous posts, I have been reading all about you and the others for quite a few weeks now and can relate so much to you all. I really seem to be struggling a bit at the moment so it's reassuring to know others are suffering the same.

I wish you and your family a peaceful and happy Christmas and it will be good to talk to you when all the festivities are over.

Lots of love

Louise xxx

Good to see you and it sounds as if you had a good time - just what you needed and now as you say it's nearly here. I have just a few last minute bits to do and then I think I'm ready, I can't believe that again I have managed to get to this point and that this time next week only New Year to get through!

I hope it all goes ok for you and I'm sure it will be good to have the opportunity to talk about your mum with your friend and it have her here over New Year.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but it does sound as if it may have been a good decision for him - especially if he has been under a lot of stress. I suppose even though he has been trying to keep busy, at some point, everything he has been through will catch up with him and he will need time to come to terms with life without your mum.

I will be thinking of you both tomorrow and over the next week or so. I am going away New Years Eve for a week so I'll look forward to seeing you around Jan 9th,

Love and a big hug (())

Susan x