my beautiful mum has gone page 2

hi debbie,

how are you? i hope you are bearing up, my thoughts are with you, take care, love karen xx

Hi Karen

Thanks for getting back, its so good to hear from you. So you've decided to go for counselling, I'm sure that will be the best option, I think it would be good to be able to talk and I'll be interested to know how you get on. There are so many mixed emotions and I'm sure that sometimes it's must be quite a relief to be able to just say what you want to. Please do let me know how you get on, Amanda seems to find it quite helpful.

It's not been a great weekend really, just Christmas all around and just the wrong time of the month (!) so plenty of tears really, to everyone else about not much, but I think my husband does understand what a difficult time it is. We have now made our plans so I'm just going to try and get on with it now and we have also booked a holiday for Jan 31st so I'm staying focused on that and looking forward to getting away.

I think you are doing the right thing and I'm sure that all your family all understand and you can get through the 18th before getting away - are you going to your sister? Where is she and does she feel the same way that you do?

Time is slowly passing now Karen and I must say that you seem to be doing ok - I still find it just unbelievable that I am still here managing to get along with either of my parents - most of all without my mum. I would never have believed that I would have been able to get this far so I hope you can look at me and see it is possible - although if there was any way I could change the situation of couse I would. However, at least now Ido accept that there is nothing I can do and so there is no option but to just look at everything else I have! James Morrison sums it up very well - "I know it's a wonderful world but I can' see it right now!!

I hope to hear from you before you get away and hope that you're ok. I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of love and the strength to just get through the days and weeks ahead,

with love and a big hug (())

Susan x

Hi Alex,

This will be my second Christmas without my mum and dad they both died just before Christmas. Last year really just came and went in a daze and it was such a relief when it was all over. My son is 11 now and I did really try to make it good for him last year but at times we were all sad and we just accepted that there is no need to pretend that everything was ok because of course it was not. A huge part of all our of lives was missing and as much as we tried, it was not possible to carry on as normal. We all knew that my mum and dad would not have wanted us to be sad, but in reality it was just another painful reminder that they're not here and we miss them so much.

Will it be easier a year on? Well I'm not sure, my feelings are much this same, I still miss my mum so much but at least this time I suppose I know what to expect so maybe it's not quite so bad.

To be honest Alex, I think some of being scared is the fear of the unknown, of wondering what it will be like and how you will be able to cope and manage the whole situation. Well I think I can reassure you that it will not be as bad as your more recent experiences of losing your dad, the funeral and then for you scattering his ashes. So don't worry about it too much, with each new experience you get stronger and more able to cope. The days will come and go and we carry on as best we can. From all your messages, I know your dad would have been proud of you and all your efforts to help others so no need to be scared, you'll be fine and I'm sure you'll do your best to make it a great time for your son - that's what keeps the infamous cycle of life ticking!

With love

Susan

hi susan,

your a night owl like me!!

lovely to hear from you, sorry your feeling low, its awful isnt it? i know what you mean, ive been sat here all night sobbing and cant stop, it makes you feel even worse and so exhausted doesnt it? i just really miss my parents esp. mum and the pain is awful isnt it? but i read your messages and i think susan was so close with her parents as well and having to try and get on with life, and so will i, but you know only too well it is so hard isnt it? how lovely your going away in january, it gives you something to look forward to susan and to get away from everything, are you going somewhere nice? my sister lives round the corner from me and so does my brother (thank god), she has 2 apartments in spain so were all going together. did you ever go and see your doctor after losing your parents susan? i feel so down and am making an appointment tomorrow dont know what they can do but im going to speak to him. i wish you lots of peace and hope you manage to buck up a bit x sending lots of love and hugs to you, love karen xx

Hi Susan,

Have just been catching up on messages and thought Id drop a line down. Your right about that song Susan it really does sum it up. I am sorry it has been a low week for you, but look you still give amazing support even in your low times so well done.xx Councelling was quite helpful this week - I think she probbed a bit more which helped me to think about things a bit more clearly. I also asked about 'time limits' on having councelling Susan, and she said that there is no limit on it, even if it is something that you decide you think you need after a couple of years you can still get referral for it. Sometimes I think - should I be coming here, my mum didnt even come to this hospice, surely there are others who could do with my space, but you have to take any help that is offered if you feel it will help don't you?

I hope this week is a bit better for you, It really is getting hard isnt it - I had to pop into John Lewis on Sat and it was horrible, never again at weekend thats for sure, but as you said in another post it is another day that will come and go, just like this lead up to it, so we know we will get through, even though the pain will always be there! Keep your holiday in mind and remember we are here if you need us.
xx Lots of Love Amanda Lots of hugs to get throught the coming weeks.

Hi Karen,

No it isnt too much to ask for is it - they were definetely taken from us to early so we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves now and again - Just as long as we dont wallow in it, cause they definitly wouldnt want us to do that.

Councelling was quite helpful this week, but did have to take Josie with me which is pretty difficult cause she is such a fidgit!! We also put our Xmas tree up on Sunday - I was very upset, but just thought about Aaron and also it is Josies first Xmas so my mum would want me to pull myself together for them, now that it is up its not so bad I guess it makes the house look brighter and so even if I don't feel in the mood it makes it easier for everyone else to feel okay. I hope you can get some comfort being away in Spain, I went there earlier this year, about four months after mum passed away and found it was nice being away. It never leaves your mind but it is good to have a change of scene, esp at this time.

Take care Karen and lots of hugs aswell to get through coming weeks
All my love xx Amanda

Hi Alex

Hope you have managed to get through the day ok. I'm sure your dad has been watching you with much pride not only at how well you are coping but also how you are trying to support everyone else. It's very challenging is'nt it -it seems sometimes like one great mountain after another especially at this time of year.

I am aware that your own son is much the same age as mine and at the moment I am on auto-pilot, going through all the motions of Christmas preparations whilst holding back the tears and the sadness.

I know that it's much the same for everyone so I'm sending my love and wishing everyone the strength and the ability to cope over the next few weeks. In a funny kind of a way, it's reassuring that we can think of each other and know that we're not alone in the way we feel and the way that we will be able to get through the next few weeks.

With love and many thanks

Susan

PS For you Alex a special hug (( ))

Hi Amanda How are you and how was your weekend? Hopefully a win for your dad and I’m pleased to hear that your counselling went well this week. As for considering whether you should be there, of course you should. The service is there for people just like yourself, so do make the most of the sessions. I’m not sure I could go now, it seems like so much has happened and I can see that I am managing so much better than I was and actually I have many of you to thank for that. “Thanks so much x” The weekend has involved putting up my tree (I know you went through that last week), there have been many tears (mostly hidden) and much sadness but it’s up. I was thinking back to last year and really it has been just as difficult but I did expect it and so maybe I was more prepared – perhaps that how we can cope? It is so difficult to muster up any enthusiasm but as you say Karen we do need to focus on our children and how important this time of year is for them. I’m sure that Josie and Aaron are very excited and they can hardly wait for the big day. I hope that you are ok and that your dad is managing to cope on a day-to-day basis, he is very lucky to have you around and I’m sure he appreciates all your supportive care and love. I’ll be back later this week but until then I would like to say thank-you and I’m sending you much love and a very big hug (( )). Hope your week goes well Amanda :0 Susan x *** Edited 10/12/2006 17:54:21 GMT by susans***

Hi Karen,How are you and how was your week? I hope that you are ok and that you are looking forward to getting away. I’m sure all your family understand how difficult it will be not only for you but for everyone this year so the important thing is to just be together, to help each other and to make the most of what you can. I think that’s all we can do in what are very difficult circumstances, there’s no point pretending that everything is ok when it’s not. So please don’t feel guilty about what you’re doing, nothing is normal any more, life has changed and we need to also adapt to what we feel able to cope with. I wish I could say that my week improved but really it’s not been that easy! Had to go shopping, put the tree up and found all my cards from my mum and dad from a few years ago. So I’m afraid many tears but now the tree is up and my home is decorated so I’ve got there albeit in a bit of a state! My mood has been not good but I have tried my best and that is as much as I can do! I did not go to the doctors, because I thought that I would just see how I got on and as time has gone on I think that now I have probably missed the opportunity. If I had the time again, I think I would, but now I have moved on and I would not want to go back to where I was before and I cannot take the risk that may happen. The last year or so has benne very hard and if it would make that even a little easier for you then I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So I think you should go for it and see how you get on, one of the main ways that it is possible to cope, is to talk and share the way you feel and Amanda does seem to have found the experience valuable.I assume that you’ll be going away after the 18th, I hope to be able to catch up with you before then so until that point I’m sending you my love and the strength to get through the next week. I’ll be thinking of you x With love Susan

Well done Alex for getting through the day,

I expect the party is in full swing with both Dennis and Gnasher!!

See you soon

Love Susan