my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Susan,

Yes I saw that we posted message at practically same time - trying to take your advice about looking after myself -thought if i got on here earlier I could get to bed earlier - you are right my mum would def be telling me to take care more - she would be telling me off for all those late nights!!

Football was portponed this week because of the rain it was really heavy and so pitch a mess so a wekend off from worrying for once -so dad went away for a couple of days to relax which is good for him. And yes the dog absolutly misses my mum so much my little boy keeps coming in and saying 'Oh mum Rassay looks so sad' so thats why we took him for nice long walk which he def enjoyed. Will have to do same tomorrow - and I have him next to me in living room now because husband is away (dont tell him!!) We had always been a cat family till mum got Rassay about five and half years ago - it does take a bit of getting used to in your own house i.e. smell, tkaing out for walks, not feeding too much!! But it is keeping me busy and good for him to have some continuous company again.

Take care Susan I hope you are doing okay and that it been a good week for you, thank you for all of your support it really does help to read your messages.
xxAmanda

Hello Debbie and welcome,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum; I hope that you can see that so many of us are able to talk about how we feel and the special times we shared with our mums. In so many ways we were so fortunate to have known such love and so many special times but then so much sadness and really just a huge emptiness when it all gets taken away too soon. We all expected to have so many more years with our mums and we do therefore feel cheated and really just a bit sick that this will now never be. So are you feeling silly - no at all - quite the opposite - the depth of your sadness and grieving is matched only by the way you felt about your mum and it's such early days for you.

My mum died just over a year ago and there is not a day goes by when she is not so much in my thoughts, I chat on and I think even now each day will shed a few tears sometimes just out of being upset, sometimes because I'm cross but mostly because I miss her so much and just wish that she was here with me. But I have now had to accpet that this is my life now - without her to talk to or see- and it does get easier but you must allow yourself time and space- there is no rush and it's so different for everyone. Until I came here I was beginning to think that nobody else could undestand my feelings and yet I have met Karen and Amanda and they do and it has made such a difference to me. I feel I can come here among friend s, just to talk about my mum and also to see how they are doing.

So lovely to see you and I hope you look after yourself and take time to realise that's it's normal to need time, space and a few friends around. I hope you are now maybe a little more mobile and that the next few weeks will allow you to get around a bit more.

Hope to see you soon,

Love Susan *** Edited 26/11/2006 23:12:02 GMT by susans***

Hi Amanda,

Okay so I'll keep quiet about Ramsey as long as he sleeps soundly and you can get a good night! He could be the answer to your sleepless nights, the more exercise he needs, the more tired you'll be - perhaps that's the ploy and your mum in her own way is making sure you do get the rest you need - we just never know do we???

Sorry to hear about the football, hope you dad is ok and that you have a good week!

See you soon, sleep well and love

Susan

Hi Karen

Hope your week is going well. How are you?

I am thinking of you and wishing you well,

love Susan x

hi susan, hope you are ok, and your having a good week. had a bit better day yesterday, then went downhill from last night, but as you know susan that is how it goes isnt it? you never know how your going to feel from one minute/day to the next do you? i cant believe its the 1st dec tomorrow and the dreaded time fast approaching, i think the build up is probably worse than the actual day do you? did you find that last year as well? the bereavement lady has just phoned and i was in floods of tears again and thinks councelling would help esp with losing mum and dad so close together, she said its a lot for people to take in. well i do hope you have a good weekend and will speak very soon, take care and i am thinking about you, lots of love karen xxx

hi amanda, hope your week has gone ok, and that you all enjoyed having your mums dog for the weekend. how are you doin? i cant believe december is almost here, time goes so fast doesnt it? i hope you have a good weekend, will speak soon, thinking about you, lots of love karen xxx

Hi Karen and thanks,

Good to hear from you. I do know how quickly feelings can change and that it's something there is no control over. Do you know that when I was in my car this week, I got in such a state that I just wanted to phone my mum's number just to be really sure that she was not there and she would not answer - I know that is unbelievable but sometimes I just canot take in the fact that I can never see or talk to her again. As for Christmas well it seems to me that everywhere I look there are lovely cards for mums and dads - how ironic is that and why do they have to make them SO obvious?? I jsut keep thinking of all the years when I have taken so muhc care to find judt the right card and now they're everywhere for evveryone else. Honestly I really wish it was March! I know your eldest son will probably not be too involved in Christmas, what about your other child? I remember that you are planning to go and stay with your sister - is that soon? Will that be better for you?

It sounds as if counselling may be of some help for you, as I said I thought I would just carry on but now I think if it was to all happen again I would probably take the opportunity, but I'll never know whether it could have helped. However, I do know that being able to talk with others like yourself and Amanda has made me feel so much better and I suppose less alone and in many ways it has made me realise that I'm not the only one who is feeling this way. So we can only move forward slowly accepting that some days are just worse that others but days do pass and you are making progress - even though it's so hard to see.

I am thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow and the weekend will be good days for you x

With love and a hug from my heart

Susan

Hi Karen and Susan,

Yes a late night again so I am going to post a quick one and then get to bed - I will put better reply on in next couple of days!!

Things have been not to bad this week - some okay days some bad moments too - I am similar Susan when you get in a bit of a state you do just want to call up your mum and then it sinks in yet again that you can't and it is still so hard to believe. You know if you did think counselling might help I am sure you could still get some sorted out - they often say that it takes awhile for people to be ready or open to it anyway so there is really no time limit on it. My mum didnt actually go the hospice that I was referred to, the Macmillan nurse that came out to the house in mums final week referred me there - so you could quite easily get a referral if you found it was something you did indeed want to do. I still don't know if it is helping but I am going back tomorrow - didnt want to leave it as long as last time!

Karen we will have to compare notes when you start - I think I open up on here sometimes more than I do at session, I am taking Josie tomorrow too but that is probably good for counsellor to see because so many of my low/angry thoughts are about mum not being here to see her, and this is what makes me question what this life is all about really, and then I think about my mum and how strong and uncomplaining she was - she always just got on with it and never felt sorry for herself and I think that is what I do sometimes, feel sorry for myself and if she could get on with life faced with her illness and the prospect of dying then I need to buck up and try and make the most of this life - But it is hard isnt it?

Anyway so much for my small message! Sending you both love and strength to get through the coming weeks, thinking of you always, Oh and dog is great it has been nice to have him and take him for rambling walks - not sure though if i am cut out for having a dog full time, still not used to doggy smell! Speak to you soon,
Lots of Love
xxx Amanda

Hi Alex
Just trying to post this then saw your message - your up late too! I know I think so many of us feel the same I guess its a good thing we have our children to distract us a bit otherwise probably would break, I know are going to miss them like crazy as we do every day but it seems so much worse because it is a time when everyone else looks so happy - I guess we have to remember that we arent alone and if we manage to smile or laugh a little our parents would be proud of us as I said above they battled so couragously I guess we just need to try and do the same now.

Take care Alex
Love and hugs xx
Amanda

hi susan good to hear from you, hope all is well. i know exactly where your coming from with phoning your mums no., i have phoned my dads mobile and my mums number, but once you do and they dont answer its another thunderbolt of emotions isnt it? why do we do it to ourselves? i think we go between reality and disbelief dont we? also i know what you mean about the xmas cards, i used to search for the cards with the most meaningful words to let mum and dad know how much i loved them, now everywhere theres mum/dad cards, its awful and selfish but you dont want them to be on show now do you? i dont mean it really but grief makes you feel like that doesnt it? we go away in 2 weeks time, dont know if it will help or not? i know i cant run from whats happened and wherever i go it will still be there, but my mum is christmas, she loved it and made it very special always, i think we just need to get away this year, my boys will still have there many presents as always, they will just have them early this year (18th), but i do feel guilty about not having xmas here as usual, but have explained to them all, and they seem to be fine with it, as they miss there grandparents a lot too, they were also very close to them. i wish you some peace this week and the weeks leading up to xmas. speak soon, take care, lots of love karen xxxx

hi amanda good to hear from you, hope your ok. yes we can compare notes when i start the counselling just waiting on an appointment. i know what you mean about the anger and sadness about your mum not seeing josie, i feel the same all my mum wanted was to see us and her grandchildren grow up, get married etc., its not a lot to ask for really is it? and now its been taken away. and like you i think stop feeling sorry for yourself karen mum/dad never complained or felt sorry for thereselves with all that they went through, but when you love someone so much i suppose its only normal to feel sorry and sad that that person has been taken away much much too early, youve also hit the million dollar question what is this life all about? i hope you have a good week and the weeks leading up to xmas, take care, speak soon, lots of love karen xxxx

hi alex, hope your ok. like you im always up late, yes and the suitcases under the eyes!! speak soon on msn hun. take care, lots of love karen xxxx