my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Karen

Have just returned from a weekend at my in-laws and just as you say this can be so difficult especially as Christmas plans are the great topic of discussion. I do find that when I'm with them, it really just brings home how alone I feel without my mum and dad. Strange, I'm over 40 now, married with my own family but I still need my mum and dad.

I suppose 14 is a very difficult age to come to terms with losing your grandparents so many other emotions and hormones kicking in at the same time and with boys especially so difficult for them to express their ongoing emotions.

Are you feeling any better yourself? I hope so although still such early days.

As for Christmas well I think I am dreading it as much as last year, I cnanot really muster up any enthusiasm at all and whilst last year I think everyone expected me to be upset and sad I'm not sure that is the case this year. Everyone will just think that a year has passed now and I suppose they have no idea what is still going on inside. So shall we just fast forward to March and the beginning of spring - hmm if only!

I hope your week goes well and that you are feeling ok.

With love

Susan

Hi Amanda,

Hope the weekend went well, funny, as we listen to the scores on Saturday I think of you and your dad and hope that his team, wherever they are have done well and that he's ok. He must be so pleased that you and your family are around to love and support him, I'm sure you are all a great comfort for him.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's friend - what terrible news and an awful shock. I remember my mum used to say to me - even when she was very ill - that no matter how sad and upset and cross I felt, there were always others who are in similar if not worse situations. She must be devastated and I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from you, even just to see that it is possible to carry on, no matter how bad you feel. I used to look at other people who I knew had lost someone close, one lady in particular whose husband was killed in a car crash. This was while my mum was ill, she came back to work after her husband had died and I remember thinking how can she carry on, but of course that's what we have to do and in some way these examples are around us all the time.

Anyway, I hope your counselling goes well this week, it sounds as if it is good to have someone who listens and who can maybe offer advice based on listening to others. The photgraphs are such a good idea for Josie and Aaron, my mum and dad are everywhere in our house and even on my phone so I can just see them whenever I want to need to!

Have a good week and thanks again,

Love Susan

PS Incidentally if you ever see anyone else crying in the car - that's me - I was always chatting to my mum when I was in the car and if I'm alone, I still find that particularly difficult.

Hi Susan,

Lovely to hear from you. I just can't believe how quickly these weeks are going can you? I am the same just not looking forward to following weeks - I am not sure if its more to do with fact that once Xmas is over with then it is nearly a year since I last saw mum, how can a year go by so quickly? I keep thinking of all the things we were doing together last year.

It is strange that after awhile people do seem to think you are okay and therefore it wont hurt as much - but how can it not, it is bad enough on a normal day but on days where we have so many happy memories it wont ever be easy will it? It would be different if they had been much older I think, easier to accept, but at least we have each other to understand.

Dads team drew again this week, he said they didnt play as well and the fans were horrible. That is the real downside to it, they just turn on you and forget about previous weeks where they have been playing well, I do hate it they seem to forget that they are people with feelings, he really could do without any undo pressure so I hope the results go his way over next few weeks esp leading up to Xmas.

Hope you and rest of family have a good week, better get off to bed it seems to be getting later and later (esp when I come on here - there are so many different threads to read you could stay on all night!!)
Take care Susan and thank you too,
All my love Amanda xx

hi susan great to hear from you, i can imagine the weekend was very hard for you, esp with the current topic bless you!! i know what your saying about still needing our parents at our age, as i still do and im 39 with my own family, i love them dearly but it doesnt take that big void away does it? i too wish we could fast forward to next year, but i wanted that after dad passed, and look what happened this year, so i worry what next year will bring, i know it sounds morbid but cant help worrying about it, you will know what i mean. i also know about being in the car, i still talk to mum and cry while driving, i think people must think im mad, never mind!

i hope you and your family are well, i always look forward to your posts and thank you susan. take care speak soon, lots of love karen xxxxx

Hi karen,

Sorry did try and post you last night too but it didnt go through and it was so late thought I would try again today!! Its not been too bad a week but like both you and Susan just wish Christmas was not around corner, we will just have to be strong. I will get in touch with my husbands friends partner - have not yet, they just had funeral so thought I might write her a letter next week just to offer further condolences. Life is such a strange thing isnt it? You just have to wonder why all these bad things happen.

How have you been feeling Karen? I go back to the counceller next week - thought I would leave it a couple of weeks - not sure why, but I will hopefully have lots to talk about when I go back. I have been feeling quite lost this week as have not had as much planned and husband is at work till pretty late at moment. It was weird earlier on in week, went to playgroup with Josie and one of mums asked me if I was looking forward/ was organised for Christmas. She isn't someone I know well and although I would have said about my mum she was just talking about her plans and I couldn't really get a word in (I don't mean this rudely). It is strange being in these situations I don't want sympathy but I do want people to know because it was my mum and actually this isnt going to be an easy time and I would rather not talk about Christmas or hear about others happy plans! Selfish I know - but only in my head I did let her talk about what she was doing!

Hope you are doing okay and rest of family. Thinking about you all and sending you all my love
Take care
Amanda xx

hi amanda, good to hear from you, i hope you and your family are ok. not sure how i feel really, does that sound strange? you cant put it into words can you? i go to sleep very late then wake up in the middle of the night sometimes stay awake for hours, then find it hard to get up in the morning. its awful when you miss your loved ones so bad isnt it? and all you want is to see them, you feel like a child who needs the security of there parents and for them to make everything better for you like they always have done. i know what you mean about not wanting to hear about anyones christmas plabns and there excitement, i am the same, and i feel selfish and horrible but you cant help how you feel can you? i too wish we could wipe christmas away esp this year. i hope your counselling goes well this week, i am thinking about going to see one too. hope your weekend goes ok, and hope your dad is ok he must miss your mum terribly. my thoughts are with you, lots of love karen xxx

Hi Karen and thanks,

How are you and how was your week? I quite understand that it's difficult to know what to say, how can you explain to people how you feel. I know that sometimes even now I can just get very upset which I suppose is not easy for those asking the question. In fact, even now I have not been in contact with some friends since my mum died. I would just find it too upsetting to try to explain everything that has happened and how I am and have been feeling, so rather that do it, I just avoid getting back in contact. That sounds awful but that's just how it is.

As for Christmas well, I think we're all feeling much the same and for me again it's just one of the times we have to get through. I really do not want to be bothered even thinking about it, but I know I have to, if only for my husband, my son and my in-laws. I came across some old photographs of me as a little girl at Christmas and even then I snuggled up with my mum - such precious times and memories. As for the way we feel Karen, I think we just have to accept that is it, it's not selfish, it's just taking the time to come to terms with a life that is so different. I think that for now, that's how it is, of course, if we could change anything we would, but really we're not in control of all of our feelings and so I have now accepted that this is how I feel and although I will be going through the motions it will be for everyone else and that's the best I can do for now.

I hope that you are looking after yourself and that your family are ok. I think counselling would probably be a good idea and if I could turn back the clock I think I would have gone. I have so appreciated coming here to talk and I imagine that if I had done this before then maybe life would have been easier over the last year- well I'll never know now!

I'll look forward to hearing from you and I am hoping you are ok.

With love and a hug ()

Susan

Hi Amanda,

How are you and how was your week, hmm read the message about the playgroup and Christmas - what are your plans? I imagine you'll be with your Dad and your brother and you'll be doing the best you can for Aaron and Josie. So nearly a year fr you since you saw your mum, it's longer for me and I cannot believe how I have even got this far without her. Funnily enough all my memories of my mum now are of her as she was well, initially I did have some terrible dreams about how sick she was and how much she had changed. However, now when I think of her it's as she was before she was ill and these thoughts and memories are the ones I cherish and enjoy. I so wish she was here and we could be planning Christmas as we always did, jnstead of which as I said to Karen I am just going through the motions, trying to get through it all as best I can. So are we being selfish I don't think so (although I may not be the best person to answer!). I think we are all just trying to do what we can in the awful circumstances and as for listening to other people, I often wonder now whether I may have done that in the past, been excited by my own plans without thinking about others and what they are facing. I think you're doing very well and I'm sure that your mum is very proud of how you are managing your family, your dad and your own feelings and emotions.

Well, hope the football went well and that your dad is ok, does he manage to talk about his feelings? I hope your session goes well this week and you get the chance to talk through how you are feeling.

I hope your husband is back earlier, that your ironing load is reduced and that your week goes well.

Thanks for listening and I'll see you soon,

With love and a hug ()

Susan

Hi Susan and Karen,

Thank you for your relpies, really nice to hear from you both. I has been bit of a funny week, husband has been away quite a bit and have not seen to many friends (usually book in lots just to keep busy!) so have really been feeling it. You have said this before Susan - but sometimes you feel as if you have taken a few steps forward then all of a sudden it hits you all over again and your back to square one. I am really similar to you at moment Karen - going to bed late waking up in middle of night (sometimes beacuse of Josie needing feed too!) then having trouble getting up in the morning. I have just posted some relaxation tech on 'Mums lung cancer' to help Sharon and her mum - I think I need to take my own advice and do these at night to help go to sleep a bit earlier!!

I think with husband being away quite a bit we tend to get bit niggly when he comes back and I am really feeling strain. I wish he could understand how I am feeling more, I dont really know how to explain it any better to him, he cant seem to grasp that if I am having a bad week it affects so much and I really need his support, then he asks me to tell him exatly what I want - I just want him to do anything to help, why do I have to break it down!! I really wish he could just think of things himself that might help!!

Sorry should not be sounding off on here like this guess I just need to get it off my cheast and would usually talk to - yep you guessed it - mum! Will talk to counseller about it next time too. Why can't life just be easy again.

On plus side Susan - like you I really seem to remember mum more when she was not ill its not all just memories from the end so that is nice because I did used to worry that I would just remember her in her last week - when she had changed so much. Of couse I do still sit and think about that time especially cause it was a time when mum got to spend a bit of time with Josie, but how she was at end is not formost in my mind as it was in the beginning. Dad is not too bad thanks for asking (not good result this week) but yes he is great at talking about his feelings which is good We can always be honest with each other - just wouldnt burden him with other problems I have though.
And yes I will have rest family here for Christmas - we (me hubby and kids) were supposed to be going to eurodisney as supprise for Aaron just before xmas - thought it would be quite good distraction - now hubby has to work!! Anytime we make plans it happens but rather than cancel it will probably take brothers girlfriend - she is lovely so it will be nice with her too, but we could really do with family holiday just to spend some proper, fun time together.

No sympathy wanted - honest just sounding off tonight - sorry!!
Hope you are both well
All my love Amanda xxx

Hi Amanda,

Good to hear from you and yes I've noticed your late night posts, you need to look after yourself, it sounds to me as if you spend a lot of time looking after and caring for everyone else and if your mum was here she would be tellling you to think about yourself a little!

Although it is very much a roller coaster and one day can be ok and the next is just awful, for me I can see now that I never go right back to square 1, I don't think I could. The benchmark for square 1 moves a little - slowly but it does- and that in itself is reassuring. I think that it will always be like that, I'll never be as I was before my mum died, but I can see that things do go on and in myself I have to get on with life without her.

As for anyone understanding, even for those who love us very much, I think it's very difficult. My husband would have done anything to help me, to provide some comfort, he really tries, but he has no real insight into how I am feel. He knew what kind of relationship I had with my mum and I think he was expecting me to be devastated but apart from just being there and listening, he can't do much else. We're back to the kind of unique relationships some mum and daughters have, which I think most men do not experience with their parents (I may be wrong here!) and unless you have had that, how can you really knew about the depth of feeling and the emptiness when you just want to and need to talk to your mum. At these times for me, nobody else will do and that's why it's so difficult and the loss is so real and apparent. Sorry not a good start to the week!

As for your dad, well good for him, if he is able to talk and share his feelings that, I'm sure is very positive. Sorry about the result - fingers crossed for Saturday then, I hope he has a good week.

Eurodisney will be great fun and I bet that Aaron will enjoy it all very much, it's so magical and exciting for children and it will be good to have a few days away, what a lovely surprise for him.

So it sounds as if this week may be better for you and you'll have plenty to talk about on Friday at your session. I hope it goes well for you and you find it of some help. As Christmas does get closer I am aware that I am already feeling sensitive and probably a bit "iffy" as my son says! He plays in an orchestra and all weekend it was carols and advent songs so we have an early start - that's just to add to all the cards everywhere! I know I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and then run away (ha! only joking but if only!!). Sounds like it will be just deep breaths and loads of tissues again then

Better get on now, I'll be thinking of you this week and hoping it 's a better oe for you and if you're up ironing then pop by, it'll be lovely to see you!

With love and as your husband is away a very big hug (())

Susan *** Edited 20/11/2006 08:27:09 GMT by susans***