my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Yes this grief things is very strange and does affect you in so many different ways, one minute you can look at a pic and laugh at some brillient memories and then you can be crying or angry or just going through it all again, feeling guilty that you didnt do enough!! Im not sure I will get used to it but I guess I have accepted things a bit more - well sometimes!! How are you doing?

Its funny I had lunch with some of my sons friends mums not that long ago and we were all chatting and you know all of us had 'something' that was affecting us and it makes you think - well I guess most people dont have 'normal' lifes it just feels like everyone else around you is happy / living life to full / have no worries when really most people have something thats affecting their life - But it still doesnt make it any easier!!

My kids def keep me going and give me a purpose and they are helping my dad too.

I hope you are doing okay, we just have to keep going dont we and just try everyday to smile a little more than the last and as we have said before just be the best parents we can just like out parents have been to us.

All my love Karen and thank you too for your messages and support I think I would be a little lost without you all.
xx Amanda ()()

Hi Susan
Hope you had a good weekend.
Love Amanda *** Edited 07/11/2006 00:42:46 GMT by AmandaE***

Well a draw is good - still a point so that's the main thing. I can imagine that Josie does get restless but I'm sure your dad appreciates you just making the effort and time to go. I agree with what you say about counselling , that it will vary each time you go but as long as you feel you are getting something positive from going then that's the main thing. One of the advantages for me of being here is that you can check on how everyone else is and then I find that I do have quite a lot to say (!). For me now that works well but I think in retrospect, I maybe should have gone to counselling or even found this site sooner. Anyway as we know I cannot turn back time and now I'm very grateful to be here.

I can identify with what you were saying about how and when the sadness hits you, I was at a bonfire on Saturday and I was very upset as I thought back to the time my mum and dad were at the same place we us, a couple of years ago. Everything seemed so fine then but little did we know what was around the corner. These kinds of little memories are so individual that nobody had any idea why I was upset and they are the memories that will never leave no matter how time passes.

I too can see that when we look around, everyone does have their own challenges to cope with, even though they may not show it. I suppose to a lot of people we may even look like that, amazing is'nt how we can hide so much, such that, on the surface everything looks ok and yet there's so much more going on inside.

I hope your week is going well Amanda and that your dad is getting better each day. I'm sure that is an added responsibility and worry but it sounds as if you manage that all very well, I had some experience (sadly too brief) after my dad died and my mum was alone. I was constantly worrying about how she was, whether she was ok and what I could do for her. It's great that your dad has a job that means he has to keep going and is busy and that even takes away the weekend - which my mum found very difficult to get through.

So better get on now - hope this weeks goes well and thanks so much x

Love Susan *** Edited 07/11/2006 08:48:09 GMT by susans***

Good to see you and you sound as if you may be feeling a little better? I hope this week is going to be a little easier for you? How did Friday go - stupid question I know, I imagine it was awful. All in all, the whole of last week sounded terrible for you and I'm sure rather than feeling you were "not getting it together" you should look back and think how well you did even just to get through the week. Sometimes you can look back and wonder how did you get through those days, I often think that, the days when you would just rather do anything or go anywhere rather than face what has to be done. At the time all these days seem to all come at the same time just it's just one awful thing after another but I can see now that in time these days are fewer andmaybe it's better to get through them in one go - actually I'm not sure about that!

Still we're here and you did get through it and you need to see how strong you are and what you can do. Your mum was so right your children will help you through, but so will your inner strength and all the positive advice and thoughts your mum has instilled in you and your personality. Although I'm sure you feel vulnerable without your mum and dad, they have left you strong and the experiences and feelings that you have had to and still have to cope with will help you.

I think you're doing so well and you need to believe that for yourself, they are such little steps that we can take and even then it's only a few forward before something else knocks us back.

Hope this is a better week for you and your family,

with love

Susan x

hi amanda, thanks for your reply, hope you are bearing up. hope your counselling makes you feel bit better this week. thinking of you, lots of love karen xx

Everyone is good here thanks, how is your week going? I suppose it won't be too long until you're thinking about going to your sisters just in time to get away from everything.

I do hope you are feeling perhaps just a little better, I'm thinking of you,

love Susan

Not too bad a week ( I think!!) they just seem to be going so quickly leading up to that dreaded time!

My dad was over babysitting tonight while I worked, the children were so happy to see him - Josies little face just lights up and she gets so excited and it really makes our days. I am sure she knows my mum too - whenever she sees her picture she is exactly the same - its really strange, my husband bought me one of those digital pic frames just after my mum passed away and he put loads of her pics on it (they play like a slide show, it is great would really recommend) and Josie sometimes just stares at it and points, chats and giggles away.

I am sorry that that saddness hit you on that Saturday bonfire night. Its hard when it hits you when your out and about and there is nothing you can do to stop that sadness just washing over you. I must look a right sight sometimes when I am driving I get it then quite alot and just end up crying (if Im alone!!). Your right about those little memories that just hit you but at least we do remember some of these things. Actually I spoke to councellor about that other day, I said that I cant remember so many little things from when I was young and I have a friend who remembers everything and I thought why cant I be like that, to remember allthe happy time - which there were plenty off. The councellor asked if there had been any bad times in friends life that would have been poignant times or made those happy memories stick out and I was like - well yes she had a very bad/sad upbringing and she always envied our family because it was normal/happy so that seems to be why she remembers it so much more than I do - I had that happiness everyday so it didnt really need to stick in my memeory, but my friend didnt really so remembers more of those happy times - It made sense at time not sure I it does here but It made me feel better about not remembering every little thing. (But have started writing down those I do remember so I dont forget anymore!!)

My husband found out yesterday that a good friend of his was killed in a motorbike accident and his wife is just about to have a baby (three weeks to go) It really brought back all my memories and I really feel for her, cause I know how hard it is too lose someone you love so close to having a baby. It was his funeral today but they only managed to get hold of my husband yestersday and he had committed to work (he has funny job will tell you about it one day!) but I would like to offer her some support so will need to get in touch with her - cause as we have said here, it is so nice to find people in similar situations and to share - she might need someone who understands that side of the grief - even though we lost them in diff ways.

Anyway better sign off for now that is a pretty long message - Ill be giving Neil a run for his money soon!! (lets see how many attempts takes to post!)

How are you doing this week? Read above if you want my news report!! I have decided to do councelling every other week, its a bit of a drive near where my mum at her local hospice (although she didnt go there, I was refferred there by Macmillan nurse) its nice that they make time for me. xx
Take care Karen lots of love
Amanda xx

Hi Alex,

How are you doing? I hope your okay and your son is too. Take care
Lots of Love Amanda xx