my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping that you're finding the strength to get through the days. I used to look around at everyone getting on with their lives and I'd want to shout out that it was ok for them. My life had changed and would never be the same and how could everything then all around just carry on as if nothing had happened. At times it was difficult to see how anything could ever improve and I can see now that this does not suddenly happen. It does take time and the healing process is slow and I suppose ongoing forever. I did wonder how I could ever feel any better either physically or emotionally, but as time has moved on so I am more able to cope. As I said now in many ways it seems so long since my mum and dad were here, time seems to have stood still and yet as I look at my son growing older and wiser (!) I know that cannot be.

You need to take time and also I hope some comfort in that it can get a little easier in time, but for now, you can only go with what you feel and that I'm sure changes from day to day. So I'll look forward to hearing how you are and send you a hug ().

love Susan

That is exactly it - you feel so helpless I just want to help my dad now as much as possible but know I can't because I can't be there 24 hrs a day or at the end of a day when he has to go home to an empty house.

I used to call my mum numerous times a day too, if I wasn't seeing her and yes now do same as you and think about what she would have said or done. I guess its understandable that we feel cheated - we have been, as I have gotten older my relationship with my mum has just gotten stronger and stronger ( we were always close but it changes doesnt it?), when you have children it changes again and you can finally understand another dimension of your mum, and its horrible to think we wont get to enjoy those next phases. I get envious of other mums and daughters too - its strange how you notice other peoples situations and as you can imagine Josie gets a bit of attention from older ladies (not that my mum was old!) but it just pulls at my heart when she flashes her lovely smile at them.

How did your dad pass? It wasnt cancer as well was it? Do you have a partner - if so how does he cope with it all? Look at me - full of questions, if Im being too nosey just dont answer them!! I hope your week is going okay ill talk to you soon.

Love from Amanda x

how are you doin? thanks for your lovely post as usual. not been doing too well just cant seem to get things together, had to sort my mums house out fri, sat and sunday, and handed it back which obviously was very hard, and tomorrow is my dads birthday it would be his 63rd birthday. anniversaries and dates are very hard arent they susan? taking some cards and flowers and balloons to cemetary tomorrow. how have you been feeling lately? my boys keep saying your so stressed mum all the time, bless them they dont seem to feel it like us do they? (which i am glad about), its hard enough for us wouldnt want them to be really down as well. please keep in touch, lots of love and thinking of you karen xx

hi amanda, how are you bearing up? and are you still seeing your counsellor? my thoughts and love are with you also. lots of love karen xx

I'm sorry its been a hard time for you - I empathise, Its difficult having to go through all the belongings - I still havent done it all, my dad is still at his home though he has it up for let at moment so will have to finish some time soon.

I hope tommorrow is not to bad for you all, birthdays anniversaries etc are such diff times you just want them with you. Stay strong, I dont know if it will get any easier Im not there yet myself its just to hard to accept yet, but Im sure it must, so many people seem to be able to get on with it and enjoy their lives again I guess in time we will too and your parents and my mum would want that. Your right about children - its so funny that during my mums illness she did not want to tell my son or let him see her without her wig though he did in the last few weeks - and though he was a bit suprised 'grandma I liked your hair better before' he coped so well and just made her laugh. I just tell him if Im sad and stressed or angry that its more to do with her going than anything else at least then he still knows that Im hurting and its not his fault. He said to me once a little while after my mum had passed that I dont really smile much at him any more - I found this so sad so now I try and make sure I smile with him as much as possible !! Where would we be without them to keep us going?

Im going back for 2nd councelling session tommorrow - so will let you know how it goes.
Take care Karen
xxx All my love Amanda

Good to hear from you, I was getting quite worried. I'm sorry that you also have to go through today, it must just seem like one challenge after another. I will be thinking of you and your balloons as they soar up in the sky, the anniversaries and birthdays I find so hard, they just seem to re-enforce the loss and the emptiness. I have been through 2 of my dad's birthday's and it was slightly easier this year. My mum's is just after Christmas so the whole time around then is just awful to think about so for now I have to push that to the back of my mind although in one way I wish it was next March and it was all over with.

My son who is 11, quite often tells people that I have never been the same since my mum and dad died and although he does not understand the depth of loss, he also misses them very much. He's right, of course, life will never be the same for me and I can see that I am not the same person and never will be. However, I know that I do have to try to get on, otherwise he has lost his mum as well and that would be such a waste for both of us. My mum thought the world of him and I can only hope that she is looking over him as he continues to develop and mature.

I wish I could say more to help or support you but I know I cannot make it any better or any easier but I can say that I loved my mum more than anything and I miss her so much. I have managed to carry on and although it may not seem the case now, perhaps you can look at me and take some comfort in the knowledge that it will not always be as difficult or challenging as it it now. However, it does take a long time even just to start healing, perhaps counselling would help, Amanda will be able to share that with us in time. But until then I think you should just accept that the way you are feeling just reflects the depth of your love for your mum and you just have to get through each day for now, with all your memories and the love and support of your family and friends.

Look after yourself, you need to!

love and an especially big hug (())

Susan *** Edited 03/11/2006 11:45:32 GMT by susans***

Hope your session today goes well and that you feel ok. I imagine that the whole process must be very draining emotionally and that it takes some time to recover from the session. You're so right about our relationships with our mum's changing and getting stronger as we get older. I think that makes it even more difficult as we try to accept what we have lost. In many ways it must be great to have Josie as perhaps you can look forward to shopping, chatting and haveing coffee with her (I know that's a long way off - still perhaps you can start thinking about it!) As for Aaron well hopefully he can enjoy spending some time with your dad at football matches (incidentally I hope he wins this weekend - are you going??)

My dad did die of cancer also just over 18 months ago, he was only 65 and had never been ill in his life. He was diagnosed and within 8 weeks he died, it was so quick and such a shock. My mum never recovered from this and then within 3 months she was also diagnosed with cancer and within another 6 months she died. In the midst of all this my husband was also diagnosed with cancer - it was just all so unbelievable at the time - it was just one after another. My husband was treated with surgery at the Marsden and so far everything has gone very well. This is his second experience with cancer he also has a non -Hodgkins lymphoma diagnosed 6 years ago but he was successfully treated with chemotherapy and has since been given the all clear from that. As you can see cancer has never been far from my door, but I now have to try to move forward although always in my mind is the thought that everytime I think - it just cannot get any worse - something happens that is worse!. For now my husband is very well, we have a wonderful son and I have to have positive thoughts about our future.

I think it's good that you do let your son know how much you're hurting and how it's ok to be sad, thank goodness they are here and they do not have the same depth of feeling that we do otherwise I don't know how we would manage.

I hope today goes well and hope that your dad and his team have a good weekend.

It's good to have a chat with friends with who I feel I have something in common with so special thanks to you and Karen

love Susan

My heart goes out to you, you have definetly had a raw deal, how have you coped? You must be a strong, amazing woman and your parents would be so proud of you. But your right you do have to have positive thoughts for the future and Im so glad that your husband is doing well and that you have a wonderful son who will help you both to enjoy life.

I did go to my dads game and took children, they drew this time but thats okay, they played very well, its just a bit hard with Josie as she is such a fidgit and just wants to get down and crawl around!! Aaron school has fireworks display next weekend so will miss that game so will have to go to following home one!

Counselling was okay this week - I dont feel as if I got as much out of it as last time, I didnt get as emotional or open up as much, I guess it will vary each time. I said the other day to someone from here that it is hard talking to a stranger - then I thought they might think I was talking about them but I wasnt - I really don't feel as if anyone I have spoken to here is a stranger I guess because we are all united in some way, but with counsellor, maybe because your face to face, it can feel a bit strange - at home and on here there are so many things I want to talk about but felt myself clam up a bit this time!

I just wanted to thank you too Susan for all your support and your lovely messages they really are a comfort and I am so glad to have meet you and Karen and that we are able to share our experiences and support each other. xxx ()()
All my love Amanda *** Edited 05/11/2006 21:42:59 GMT by AmandaE***