my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Jayne

Your hubby’s obviously distracting you from this computer! Have you managed the BBQ shopping yet? It’s starting to rain here now and unlike you, we’ve only had one really warm day but at least it’s been dry and the kids have got outside to enjoy their break.

I went out for lunch yesterday to a hotel in the little market town where I used to live. It was lovely but I just came home and was curled up on the sofa for the rest of the day.

How are feeling today, Jayne? Better I hope. Great support I am- eh?? Has hubby got you looking at the job pages again? I went to get the car serviced today and because it is the first one, it doesn’t take too long so I sat and waited and read the paper. I went through every job but didn’t see anything that took my fancy.

Off to find something to eat and put my heating on now. (will have to phone the gas board as I’ve just discovered that I’ve no hot water unless the heating is on-typical!)

Speak soon
Lots of love
Louise
xxx

Hi Amanda

Good to hear from you and I hope you’ve had a lovely day with your dad. Susan got in before me but from your message last night, we are all still feeling the same, aren’t we? I echo everything that Susan says. It’s so strange that this feeling of disbelief is still there. I couldn’t believe the way everything hit me again as I walked towards the grave on Saturday. Where does the time go and will I ever return to some normality? As you two say, we are now very different people after this experience.

Your tribute to your mum on the remembrance page was lovely to read again, Amanda. It just says it all-a wonderful mum and grandma. She was so young too.

I’d better go and eat something before I pass out with hunger. Did you manage to see the web site for the gym near me? What do you think? I think it’s on p175 along with school address. I haven’t got a price list yet but I imagine it will be quite expensive.

Lots of love to everyone, Amanda
Louise
xxxx

Hi Karen

Sorry, I thought you were still away-get totally confused sometimes- definitely old age !!

I’m so glad you had a good time and the weather stayed fine for you. Now it’s back to reality again-washing, ironing etc (what fun!!)

I’ve only had one dream about my mum and dad which I think I told you about a few weeks ago. You and the others were going to meet me at Old Trafford to watch a game and when I went to the airport to catch my flight my mum and dad were sitting there asking where I had been as they had just come back from Cyprus and had been waiting for me to take them home. That’s the one and only dream I’ve had about Mum when she was healthy. Jayne and Amanda will be so interested in your story, Karen and although it has upset you just now, I hope you can take some comfort from it.

As Susan says it’s good that you’re all appearing back. I’ve missed you all. What are you up to this week? Did you have Taz and Rocky away with you?

Chat later.
Lots of love
Louise
xxxx


Susan— It’ll be great for hubby and son to spend some time together. So it’s just you and the cats. What time should we arrive???

Hi everyone,

Susan, Nice to see you back and Im glad you had a nice time away, we will have to try and get away skiing next year, maybe Aaron will be ready for his first go then too! Look at you trying to match make Louise, but yes I agree, even if not from a man point of view the gym and my space are good ideas, I may even set up a my space page, hubby has been telling me to do it for ages, he has one already and has put alot of effort into it, I just didnt think Id have time to do it, but Ill see. Thank you for message, yes it is nice to know we are not alone in how we feel, husbands meeting would be good idea, then they would realise that it affects so many of us in similar ways and we are all not crazy!! I think we are all very lucky to have found each other here and to have found such a good site that is easy to use and so easy to share our experiences, a good friend has been going through IVF for 2nd child (1st was IVF baby) all of her second attempts have failed and she feels so alone going throught this, I have been trying to find a site like this one where she could maybe meet people going through similar things, but cant find anything quite as good as this one, and the way we have all stuck together and write back to each other, it is very hard to find such support isnt it? Ill keep looking for her though because it does help speaking to others who understand.

Glad Jonothan had a great time too, it must have been lovely to see him, we stayed with Ricks sister when we were up over Easter as she has a spare room, her daughter is 13 and probably similar to your Jonathan, they do grow up so quickly dont they, she went skiing with school for first time in Feb and loved it, she also had soem teenage tantrums when we were there - really reminded me of myself, but when I was about 14/15!! They seem to hit things a bit earlier these days - Ahhh i have it all to look forward to!!! think girls are worse than boys though so you may get off lightly Susan - just think its hard to get rid of boys later on they prefer to live at home and have it all done for them - Just like my brother did for ages!! Take care Susan and lovely to hear from you. xxxxx


Hi Karen, nice to see you back to - hmmmm your dreams and vision -well we really need Jayne dont we - but from what I have read when we have a visit (as a very vivid dream is oftern called) our loved ones may tell us that they are happy and they are as they were in that happy time in thier life - so maybe this is your mums way of saying that her and your dad are now like they were on thier honeymoon and having a lovely time and for you not to worry, and not be silly they are okay and together. And that vision of your dad on same day just reinforces that they are together and looking over you all. Take great comfort in it Karen, we really just have to believe, and after my message on mums anniversary and she mentioneed the one time I had a vivid dream (in fact my only dream of mum since she passed) and it was emphasised that it was one time - well I have to belive it and he told me that was her coming through to me to let me know she is okay and with me. It is hard because it doesnt stop you wanting them HERE but we just have to take what comfort we can. I hope your time away was nice and that you were able to relax and enjoy it. Take care and hope you feel better about it all tomorrow and get good nights sleep tonight.xxxx

Hi Louise, Yes I have looked at gym - as Susan said it is a Duncan Bannatyne so will be a nice place and probably a good place to join. They have lots on and although prices might be a little stepper than a smaller place maybe this would be a good one to join - like I said before just try and banter them down on Joining fee if it is quite high - even say you have seen another place nearer work that you are debabting between two (is there another gym that you can mention - they all want beat the competition!) and also ask about your commitment - how long do you have to give notice if you want to cancel membership (1 month, 12 month contact, 18m etc) - you will understand all this I know but you would be suprised the amount of people that dont ask about what they are siging up to. I tried to look for your my space page but you must have deleted it before I got chance - I am sure you sounded just fine on it, dont be so down on yourself, your def not a boring person! Glad you have had some nice lunches out and going away with your friends for a little holiday in summer sounds like a great idea - go for it, i know it will be hard and strange but nothing ventured nothing gained and im sure your mum and dad would really want you to try and get away and enjoy yourself. you wont ruin it for anyone, and if you have any bad days well they are friends and they will understand, and also with three of you going together its a bit different than just two people, if you dont fancy doing something one day the other two will still be able to go of and give you some time out - if you want it. Thanks for your message, I know we will have these days where we just lose it again and feel so overwhelmed by it all, my dad said he felt the same yesterday and was just overcome, gasping for breath as it hit him again. He also spoke today about my aunt maybe having Rassay for good (mums dog - also his I know) but he feels bad leaving him if he goes off scouting, or if he has to take Rassay back and forward to either brother, mine or a friends when he goes away. I dont know how to feel about it, love Rassay and kids love him to bits and so enjoy seeing him when he is here or when we go to dads house, but understand from dads point of view. I wish I would feel comfertable taking him full time - its just with Josie being small, and on floor so much of time I hate thought of it - and, big and!! husband is NOT an animal lover and it would cause alot of tension between us if I was to take him permanently, and we have already had more tension between us since mum died, so not sure if it could take much more!! But will feel really sad if he goes to live up in Scotland, then we would only see him once or twice a year, another things of mums gone. Sad thinking about it!! Anyway enough of me and that! Ill speak to you soon and take care. xxxxx

Hi Jayne, You will probably see all of my news above didnt mean to burden it all onto Louise just started to come out there when I was writing about dad! Poor Louise! How have you been, is your internet connection any better? So annoying when it goes - just shoes how much we rely on these computers!! I hope you have had some good days in this lovely weather, I got out in garden today and dug up loads weeds from my boarders, need to get some mulch, or bark to put down around the plants, never got around to it last year, so will do it soon and hopefully might stop weeds a bit at least! have got loads of mums plant pots in garden now, from the house, just need to fill a few more up and then place them properly. I also have a water tight bowl for outside that mum used to keep some fish that she got for Aaron and my cousins one year, they are being looked after by mums neighbour while I sort out the tub again, so need to find some waterplants for it as the others looked rather horible when we emptied it to bring it over here. Will go on net soon to see which are best to get, but thought it would be nice for Aaron to do this and get his fish back because he and mum picked it he helped her do the water bowl last time. Hope you are well Jayne
Speak soon xxxxx

Hi Marie Jane, Sharon, Liz when you get back on here, hope Easter was not to bad for you all. xxxx

All my love to you all xxxxxx Amanda

Morning everyone

Hope you're all ok.  I've been really struggling over easter, I think I've cried more these last few days than in the last few weeks.  I don’t know why, I think its just the holiday and I just feel so lost without my Mum.  even my husband had a bad day on Sunday, he was a bit tearful too, I tend to forget just how much he misses her too.  I just can't believe my mums not here anymore, I've lost count how many times I've said it over the holiday.  Easter last year was this coming weekend and I was looking in mums diary yesterday and it was the last time she ever wrote in it this week, she even stopped writing her temperature down 3 times a day and her writing is getting a bit untidy.  I think she was realising that the end was coming soon.  I can't stop thinking about what she must have been feeling and it really hurts.  My husband said I kept him awake Sunday night, I was talking to my Mum in my sleep, but I don’t remember, I wish I could. 

We never did go and get the bbq, but we still sat outside, but I just kept talking about Mum most of the time.  We usually take our bird out with us and put his cage on a chair.  When I got up Sunday morning and opened the bedroom curtains, there were 3 chairs there on the patio, just like there used to be, it was as if Mum had been sitting out there with us, and I just stood and cried again.  When we were sitting out there yesterday, the living room door closed on its own and it was as if Mum had come through to the kitchen and she would be back in a minute.  When we heard it we just turned and looked at each other and said “its Mum”.  I'm sorry for going on about it but its been a difficult easter.  Now I must read through the posts and get myself sorted out.  Love to you all, jayne xxx 

 

Hi Susan

Its good to have you back, I'm glad you had a good holiday, but its nice to get home again isn't it (despite the washing and ironing).

Its strange isn't it, you too have been more upset lately, but its coming up to your mums 2^nd anniversary so its understandable you feel the way you do.  What date was it Susan? I will say a little prayer for her.  I've been reading mums bible a lot lately (I hope I'm not turning into Dot Cotton or Brannan, whatever her name is in Eastenders).  I hope one day you will be able to post something about your Mum and Dad, but I know how hard it is but you will do it when you feel the time is right.  Sometimes the words we feel just aren’t enough are they?  No words could ever express how we feel about losing them.

Yes, I'm glad I didn’t get that job, I wouldn’t have taken it if asked, so no problem there.  We’re off to Dorset again (same caravan) and are really looking forward to it.  I hope we catch something because my husband has bought lots of new fishing gear, so it will be good to catch at least ONE fish !!  with all this warm weather there should be plenty of mackerel in, its lovely to have them fresh from the sea.

Well, you're back at work today, I've forgotten what its like.  I really don’t want to go back but I suppose I have to.  Its been nearly a year since my doctor signed me off with stress on May 10^th.  I was saying to my husband on Friday that from the time of Mum passing and then the funeral, I really don’t remember much from July 7^th until Dec 13^th when we moved into mums house.  Everything just went by in a blur.  I think it was because of clearing 2 houses out and then having people round to view ours, everything just went by so fast and I feel like I lost 5 months of last year and its only now everythings settled down that I'm realising my Mum has really gone.  Its like its just happened recently.

It sounds like you may have a quiet week Susan, with your boys away.  They’ve certainly got a good week for surfing, its going to get warmer this week.  Just you and the cats then, how are they both? 

Morning Louise

How are you today?  It sounds like everyone is having a bit of a bad time at the moment, it must be the holiday that has made things more difficult.  Don’t worry about how you reacted at the cemetery on Saturday Louise, I've spent the whole easter holiday losing control, none of us can help how we feel can we. 

How come you’ve lost 7lb then?  You should be putting some on with all the lunches out you’ve been having.  I hope the doctor can do something for your chest pains, it must be worrying for you, maybe you're losing weight because you're worried??  Louise you really are so hard on yourself.  You're myspace web page was excellent, I wouldn’t have a clue where to start !!  and why wouldn’t anyone look near you???  If they knew you, they would understand just what a caring and lovely person you are, NOT boring, so be told. (yes jayne).