hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx
My birthday wasn't the best although I did get some nice presents. I got money from mum and brother gift tokens for marks and spensors from dad, earrings and a killers cd from a friend, a new england football shirt I don't like football much but I do like the shirts from a friend and from my best friend pj's and some bodyspray and a gift voucher for bhs from my auntie who I can't stand (my dads sister) so it wasn't bad I guess but I just can't be bothered with anything. I'm going to see mum tomorrow. Have a good weekend enjoy your drinks don't drink too much only joking have as many as you want I will be doing when I get home take care love Sharon xxx
Sorry for not posting to you earlier; I didn’t think you would have access to a computer today and was going to leave it till next week. Now you’ve probably missed this one!!
I’m fine now thanks. All we’ve gone through just comes flooding back as if it was yesterday sometimes but I get over it. I’m so sorry you’re not feeling that much better, Sharon and as Jayne says I wish there was something we could do to help ease your pain. I know it’s easier said than done but you must try to be strong for your mum, Sharon. Enjoy the time you have together and try and focus on the present. Easy for me to say-eh??
Try and enjoy this sunshine while you can, Sharon.
Take care
Louise
xxx
You enjoy your drinkies in the garden. It’s not warm enough to sit out here now.
Of course everything must still seem so unreal for you at times, Jayne, it’s only been a few months since you lost your dear mum. You have coped so well and as you say, you are trying to have a “good life” as your mum requested. My mum didn’t say anything to me as the stroke had done so much damage but I know she and my dad would have wanted the same for me. They travelled a lot too and had planned to do so much more. I have been asked to go away in the summer with a couple of friends whose husbands cannot get away this year. It will only be for a short time i think and I know i should go but I dread going away just now and i don't want to spoil it for them. On the other hand it may be just what I need . I'll have to think about it. When are you away? Is it the end of the month?
Managed to get a lot of washing dry today so I’m off to iron now and then it’s walkies again- oh what an exciting life I lead!! Going out for lunch again tomorrow so that'll liven things up i hope.
Love
Louise
xxx
I suppose that’s good news about the job, is it?
You got lots of pressies for your birthday didn’t you?At least you got something, all our family usually forget ours.I don’t suppose I’ll get a card from them this year either because we’re usually away on holiday and they don’t think.Oh well, who wants to be reminded you're another year old anyway.Hope you had a good weekend, I guess it will be Tuesday when you read this now.Take care love jayne xxx
We went out in the garden then came in because it kept going cool, have been in ever since.We ended up eating inside.I think tomorrow is going to be nicer but I usually do a Sunday roast, so will be in and out I suppose.The tv has been rubbish this afternoon, not much better now.Hubbys watching an old black and white film !!!
Where will you be going on holiday if you go?It will be good to get away, just see how you feel nearer the time.We go on 21st April till 28th.Looking forward to it now.You're off out to lunch again then?You're certainly making the most of your hol, don’t blame you.Where are you going?I’m praying for a big lottery win tonight so I don’t ever have to work, ha ha, (I wish).See you soon, love jayne xxx
Sorry I didnt get back on before going away and I hope today wasnt too bad for you all. I have been very up and down, being with hubbys family just reminds me so much of what is missing and what my mum is missing out on. All the children were out playing in the garden for most of weekend - josie loved it she is a real outdoorsy baby, just loves crawling amnd half crawl walking around garden and exploring, my mum would have found such joy in just watching her, i often wonder if anyone else feels like that about her, obviously my dad does, but some of hubbys family sometimes just sit indoors and dont even see what the children are up to. My mum would have been out running around with them given half the chance, and she would have enjoyed every minute of it.
I too cant really believe it has all happened, I couldnt sleep last night for ages and just lay there thinking about it all again, and the lead up to mum going into hospital. For Christmas last year we got our parents tickets for Cirque De Soilai (spelt wrong!!) so that we could all go together and it was on the 7th January, I was thinking back to then because it would have been the last time my in laws saw my mum, and less than a month later she was in hospital. I just would never have believe it had anyone told me before hand. I often wonder if mum kept quite about how she was really feeling because I was due to give birth near then, she just seemed to be doing so well and seemed so strong, how can it be possible really? The ache from missing them is just so unbelievable isnt it? It hurts so much. I cant imagine it going away or ever being truly happy again, I am really so far from the person I used to be, i just dont really ever see how to get back to being that person, or even close to it.I want to, I really do want to find my joy for living again, but how do you find it after something like this happens?
Anyway enough of that, we are seeing dad tomorrow - really missed him today, but looking forward to seeing him. He is coming to ours so will have to visit the cemetry next week, but went Wed so suppose its not that long ago. I used my BBQ today for the first time, had to give it a good clean first though!! We have a nice gas one Jayne - much easier to use and not so many burned things also has two seperate cooking areas (Im veggie so one side for veggie foods and onme for meat!) Though cooked fish tonight on it.
Well I hope that tomorrow is a good day for everyone and send you all lots of love
xxxxx Amanda
Good to see you and although we have just arrived back from holiday and I'm still catching up with everybody I just had to write to say how much I can empathise with everything you are saying about how you feel about what our mum's are missing and how all the time you can't help but think they should be here. I have my in- laws here and I still find that challenging even now - of course they should be here enjoying Jonathan as he grows up but still I wish it was my mum and dad as well.
Being on holiday always presents more time to think and I have probably been more upset these past few days than I have for a long time. It will be 2 years soon since my mum died and yet it is still as vivid and real as ever. The ache is still there Amanda but as I have said before it is less "acute", I really don;t imagine it will ever go.
I am also just not the same person anymore and so any things feel like they're just not worth the effort without my mum and dad. I think I now accept that I will never be "my old self" again, when my mum died a part of me died with her and that can never be replaced or rediscovered. I have talked this through with my husband and he seems to understand but for him and Jonathan I know they would just like me to be as I was.
I do keep reminding myself of how lucky I am and how I do need to enjoy what I have but there is always the "if only..........." So whilst I do not want to spoil your day or your Easter, I did just want to say that the way you're feeling is not unusual and you're not alone. I know that does not make it any easier for either of us but at least it's something. Perhaps we should introduce our husband's to each oher, I'm sure they would have a lot to chat about!! (mainly wives who are always crying, tetchy, easily upset and generally fed up - and that's just me!!)
Hope you have a lovely day with your dad and that you enjoy the rest of Easter.
I hope you are enjoying your break - it sounds as if you have been busy getting out and about! I have so much to catch up on here but have just had a quick skim through so far and well! at last a visit to NEXT!! The trouser suit sounds ideal for the parents evening - any joy with the shoes??
I think you have also been making the most of the weather with your walks and outings, are you feeling a little better in yourself generally - I see that Saturday was not such a good day again but that's ok, not unexpected and something that will always be happening - I think that you're doing just fine.
The ski-ing trip was fantastic, good weather and amazing snow and it was good for Jonathan too so we're all back together now and I'm so pleased to have him home! I'm back to work tomorrow so will need to readjust to getting up early and getting myself organised! Incidentally I have a friend who used myspace to meet up with other people and guess what she fell in love and is getting married. She is 49 and I think had given up all hope of meeting anyone but obviously he was just waiting out there for her and they seem to be so happy together. She told all her friends and another one has also met somebody and they are getting on very well! So perhaps it was a good idea??
I hope your day went well and that you are feeling better for a rest and a break from the routine - what do you think?
Hope to catch you later
With love
Susan
PS I thought your piece about your mum and dad was very moving and it seemed to say so mucha bout how special they were and how close you were. Anyone reading that would easily see why you miss them so much and why life now is so challenging. I'm sorry to say that although I keep going there to post mine, when it comes to it I just cannot put down how I feel.
How are you? You sound on good form for the most part and you've been very busy here! How is your back and how has your Easter been so far? I need to catch up with all the messages and check what you have been up to! Is that good news about the job-are you relieved??
Where are you going on holiday? It will be good for you to have a break and get away - is fishing on the agenda?? I have been smiling at your messages both about the TV and the bananas - you're a bit of a one- as my mum would say!! But still Jayne you are a real tonic and you are so unselfish in your support and your kindness, that just shines out from your messages.
So thanks for being here and I do hope your are feeling ok, out in the garden I bet (with the odd glass of wine :)
Great to have you back. So the holiday was good then?? I bet Jonathan had a brilliant time too. Do you think you worried less about him than if you had been at home? I found my skis right on the top rafter of Dad’s garage when we were clearing out. How he got them there, I’ll never know. I was awful at skiing but used to have a good laugh. I never went abroad-perhaps if I had done I might have been better. Nice to be home again though, isn’t it? I understand completely with what you say about holiday time presenting more time to think, and for you the anniversary of your dear mum’s passing is near, making things even harder. On Saturday I couldn’t believe how I reacted when I went to the cemetery. It’s still so hard. As you said to Amanda, your mums are missing out on so much but hopefully Susan, they’re watching your children grow and flourish. My parents got no grandchildren from me and, as I’ve said, it does make me so sad. At least my brother gave them two.
It’s back to work for you tomorrow then. I hope you’ve caught up with all the laundry etc. There’s no holiday up here today, apart from the banks shutting at 11:00, so everything is really back to normal. Our local holiday is next Monday although the shops are rarely shut then nowadays.
Yes I made it to NEXT!! Not much more though-out for lunches and lots of walking. Still can’t sleep ( even with a banana!!) and yesterday the chest pains got so bad, I thought I was heading for A & E. I eventually managed to doze off on the sofa and made it to bed at about 3:00am-so much for a relaxing holiday. I took the BP monitor back to the surgery today and I’ve got to see my GP on Wednesday. I’ve lost about 7lbs in the holidays so far and that’s with going out for lunches so I’ll see what he says this time. He’ll be wishing that he’d never set eyes on me!
Hey, you think I should have kept myspace then??? I was just fooling about one afternoon and got carried away. I really enjoy the web-designing bit ( not much web designing to this!!!) . I had no intentions of “looking” for anyone (nobody would look near me anyway!). I just wanted to get bits in about Mum and Dad really and I made myself sound so boring (more than usual that is!!).
The remembrance page is difficult, isn’t it? I had written my very poor poetry effort not long after Mum died and I still found it hard to put it on there (even although I’d posted on this thread ages ago) but it was something I wanted to do.
Hope work goes OK tomorrow, Susan. It will be good to get back into a routine again. What are your boys going to be up to this week?
Catch up later. Take care.
Lots of love
Louise
xxxx
PS How are the pussy cats? Have your in-laws gone?
