my beautiful mum has gone page 2

Hi Karen

Have been sitting reading the posts on here nearly all day-no housework done!!

I'm like you- can't sleep(even got sleeping tablets for a while)-up and down to the cemetery. I feel closer to Mum and Dad there and sit and talk to them for ages. I realise now that I did not deal with my Dad's death at all at the time. I took all the photos of him down, got really annoyed with Mum if she cried or got upset in front of people (I never showed any emotion in front of Mum) and really just thought that if everything was forgotten about I would just be able to carry on. (didn't really realise what I had been like till recently) I couldn't undestand why Mum wanted to go to the cemetery all the time as I felt I could remember my Dad without that. Now I'm even worse and am so obseesed that i keep checking the weather forcast in the hope that it will be dry for me to go at the weekend. Although I spent nearly all my spare time with my Mum and got her back on an even keel, I know now that I just didn't give her a chance to grieve properly for my Dad and never once did she say anything to me.My Mum was my best friend and I'll never forgive myself for the way I reacted during that short time.

I hope counselling goes OK for you. I saw a Macmillan nurse for about 4 months after Mum died.(She also saw me during mum's illness) She was brilliant. She came to the house and we just chatted and I related so well to her. She really made think deeply about things and it was quite an emotional and draining experience. I would never have got through these initial weeks without her support. However,she felt that i was "stuck" and tried to get the counsellors at the hospice to see me as she felt she wasn't quallified enough. They only work part time though and from what she said they only seem to see patients. I have been attending the doctor regularly for over a year now (haven't been to see a doctor in years so am definitely getting my NHS entitlement this year!!) and he got in touch with CRUSE and insisted that i give it a go. ( didn't like to say no to someone in authority!!) I have only been a couple of times and it is hard for me to open up to someone I don't know. She uses the "Non Directive" approach which means that what we talk about is left up to me. Last time I just wanted to talk about what my mum went through but she told me she had no experience of cancer. I think this is why I feel it is easier to talk to people on here.we have all experienced similar beravements. You should give it a go though. If they are Macmillan people then they should have a good understanding of just what you have been through. After your initial appointment, you can decide if you feel it's right for you. Let me know how it goes. I'm going back this week but don't want to take up space that someone else might find more benificial. I'll see what happens!!

Thanks for being there Karen. Off to pack my "school bag" now.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Love Louise xxx

hi louise

i hope everything went well for you at work today and that it wasnt too hard for you. i feel like you about the cemetery i feel very close to mum and dad there, i know there not there there with us all the time but still i like to go a lot. and like you again when my dad passed i took all his photos down and couldnt look at anything as it made me feel worse, but grieved very hard for him, then wed just got christmas out the way, then bang mum got ill and was diagnosed 3 months after dad had passed, then it was going through everything with mum, when theres not much time between both of them ill and passing your grieving for both of them at the same time arent you? which is very hard indeed. how far apart were your mum and dads illnesses and passing? please try not to feel guilty about how you were after your dad, i know its hard not to, but everyone grieves differently, you and your mum were grieveing in different ways. i had a bereavement lady who i spoke to a lot after mum but like you she put me forward to counselling as she wasnt qualified enough, so hopefully i will go tomorrow, you just dont know how you feel on the day do you? well i shall go now and speak to you later, i am thinking of you today, love and hugs karen xxx

Hi Louise--hope that your first day back after the hols will have gone well,and that you haven't got a headache after dealing with a lively class of youngsters!!!!

Hi Karen-- hope you find counselling helpful.Talking about stuff is the key to recovery-although none of us are going to "recover" from the loss of our parents.We will just find a way to live with the acceptance of it.I have good and bad days as i'm sure the rest of us do.Sometimes the bad days are really bad.I havent had a "brilliant" good day yet but that may come in time.Whatever i do,and wherever i go,there is always this dull ache deep inside and i think about mum so much every day.It's not intentional-it's just there all the time. XXXXXX

Hi Karen & Marie & everyone

How are you doing today?

Karen, you and I have reacted in such similar ways, haven't we? From what you have been through, I think you are coping amazingly well-far better than me and I’m much further down the line.

My Dad took a heart attack while bowling, the day before his 66th birthday. We were luckier than you in that we then had about ten months before Mum took ill. I found her in bed one morning after having suffered a stroke. I though she was dead then and I became quite hysterical. After around ten weeks in hospital, cancer was diagnosed and they gave her about another ten weeks. It had started in the kidneys and spread to the brain, causing the stroke. We took her home but because of the stroke she was very disabled, both physically and mentally. Even with support, we just couldn’t cope. I suppose, in a way, my Mum died just as suddenly as my Dad.

I wish I'd chatted to you all long before now. It's given me such comfort knowing that we can talk openly and just be there for each other. I still can’t really understand why I’m taking so long to move forward but I know I have to try and just accept that this is me just now. Boy, do I get angry though. I think living on my own has been the hardest thing through all of this. Sometimes all I want is a hug and for someone to say you’re doing OK.

Back at work today-shattered. I teach 28 five year olds (Primary One). They are a lovely class but very lively. It’s good to be back into a routine though. I’ve been sitting here trying to plan my day for tomorrow for about the past half hour but I’m just going round in circles-still find it hard to focus and concentrate on anything for long. Oh, I how I wish for things to be “normal”.

Karen, let me know how things go tomorrow. I’ll be thinking of you.

Thank you all so much again. I appreciate all your messages enormously and read them over and over again.

Love to you all.

Louise xxx

Jodie

My thoughts have been with you today. I hope everything went OK.

xxx

Hi Liz Well it’s good to be back and I’m delighted to see you here. I hope you are ok, having been away for a few days it’s not difficult for me to take a step back and see how important each little step is for everyone. I can understand how hard this is and the emotional toll it takes and that in itself is physically exhausting. I think that is why it is so important to accept that for some of us that is how it is and if others find that difficult to acknowledge or understand then that really is their problem. So no need to fight it especially as you can see that it is the same for many others and that also there is no specific time frame. Today is my mum’s birthday and I think that the rest of my family have either forgotten or more likely they do not want to mention it, as they think it will upset me and so it has been unmentioned. I have spent most of the day thinking about my mum, what we would have done and how we could have enjoyed the day, instead of which she’s not here and her loss is again even more apparent. This is the second year she has not been here so I did know what to expect and have had to accept that I all have now are the happy memories of what we have shared on this day in the past. I do feel so lucky to have some many good times to reflect on but the other side of that is the void that is left behind. So I just need to focus on tomorrow and I’m pleased just to be able to share my thoughts among friends. I imagine that your own working environment is quite challenging, I have always tried to escape at work where I can immerse myself but I cannot imagine how difficult your situation must be – you really do have to face people’s loss each day and it must be very hard to have such a constant reminder. Even if you feel positive when you arrive, it must be hard to maintain that throughout the day, I think that you are doing amazingly well and I’m not sure how I would be able to cope with that especially if colleagues are less than understanding. Just one more thing, I hope that in time you will not feel that by starting a new year you are leaving your mum behind. My own experience has been that even though I was so close to my mum, in a funny way I spend more time thinking about her and wondering about her now then I ever did and also the physical loss is huge, I do feel that with the passing of time I am closer than ever and she is forever with me and that is very comforting. So better go now and get my holiday washing done! See you soon and lots of love Susan

Hi Karen

Good to see you and I'm pleased to hear that your break in Spain went as well as can be expected. I'm sure that the boys were ok and that they did understand your need to get away.

It's so true though is'nt it- arriving home and then expecting to see your parents meet you just as they always did and then it starts again the whole process of just wanting them to be there. I found that on holiday, especially New Year when all I wanted to do was to call them and have a chat. Still at least I did know what to expect and that I could get through, with each experience I am hoping for more strength just to help the next time and then after that.

I suppose you'll have to see how you feel tomorrow but I hope if you do go the session goes well. I imagine that if it was me, knowing how much the talking would upset me that would probably put me off - and if I'm honest that may be the reason I never went. But I'm not sure that was the right thing in retrospect and maybe if I had been, things may have been different. Actually as time passes and everyone else has moved on I suppose it may be very helpful to sit with someone who you could talk to - I don't know, but it does sound as if some have found the sessions helpful. Like the whole process it's so individual and there is no one right answer, neither in terms of loss and coming to terms with it nor the time frame that takes. We all just need to allow ourselves that space to heal emotionally and physically and if there is anything that can ease that process then maybe it's worth a try.

I'm so pleased to see you back and will wait to hear how you get on,

with love and a big hug (())

Susan X

Hi Louise Good to see you and I hope today went well – sounds a bit hectic!! I can see that the last year has been very difficult for you but having been away I can see that you really have come a long way in a short time. You are reflecting on where you are and then you are able to share your experience with others, I do think that is real progress – do you? Just like you my dad died before my mum and I think that like you my focus became my mum however, I know that my mum did grieve for my dad in her own way, she always said that at the end of the day once she was alone and the door was closed then she was alone with dad. Perhaps your mum did grieve in her own way and but she also thinking about your feelings, I am certain that you did everything you could for your mum and whatever you did was only in her best interests and she would have realised and recognised that so please do not worry about that. As for counselling I hope that you do go back for your session, there is really no reason at all that you should feel that you are taking somebody else’s space. You should not worry about that at all, you are so entitled to go and it would be good to share your experiences with one of the counsellors. I hope that by being here Louise it has been possible to see that there really is no set time by which we “should” feel better- I am much further down the line and am not sure how much better I am at coping even now but I do realise and accept that I am different even from other members of my family and I cannot measure my own progress against theirs. I know now that I have to take my time and there’s no point in me worrying about how long that takes, I’m moving forward as quickly (or as slowly) as I can!. I know it’s so difficult now Louise to accept that life will never be the same again and I have been there wishing so much that life could be as it was in the past. But I now have accepted that my” normal” will never be as I want it to be and whilst that does make me very sad, I know that I am lucky to have so many happy memories. Many of my friends have not be as privileged as we have been to have shared so much with our parents and for that I do regard myself as lucky – but why did it have to end so soon? I hope your day back at work went well, I can only send you a big hug so here it is (()), I think you have come a long way and you’re doing great with each experience you’ll be getting stronger and I am sure that your parents would be so proud of you both in the way you are growing and also the support and help you are already giving to others here. It’s good to be back among friends Louise! Thanks for listening and see you soon, Lots of love Susan x

Hi Jodie

Sorry I have been away for a while and am just now catching up. I can see that everyone here has been looking after you by sharing their experiences and offering their support.

I hope that you managed to get through the day and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this experience. I know that there will be such a lot going through your mind and many anxieties about how you will manage to cope, but please do take some comfort that it is possible to get through but you do need to take your time, to look after yourself and appreciate that sadly there is no easy answer. This is a long journey and one that I would suggest cannot be rushed, you have lost one of, if not the most important person in your life and you need time to accept that and also to recover both emotionally and physically.

So please do look after yourself, don't expect too much too quickly and be kind to yourself. Your mum will be with you, caring for you each step and guiding your progress. Here, I think you have already found a unique group of people who are willing to share their experiences and everyone is at a different point. I hope that you will find some comfort and reassurance that, whilst just now it probably feels as if life is just not worth living - you can move forward and there are many friends here who will be with you every step of the way.

Sleep well and take care of yourself, I wish I could say more but now I'd like to send you a hug and just say this is one of the biggest challenges you will have to face. Well done x

Love Susan *** Edited 08/01/2007 22:21:39 GMT by susans***

Hi Susan

So good to have you back. I hope you enjoyed your well-deserved break. Today must have been another very hard day for you. You no sooner get over one hurdle and another looms on the horizon. As you say, you have the happy memories but it would have been so nice to share your Mum’s day with her. I have happy memories of my Dad but I still find it hard to remember happy times with my Mum- and we had so many, she was my best friend. I think it may be because my Dad died so suddenly and the last memory I have of him is rolling on the floor playing with my dog. I never saw him again. At the moment I only have images of Mum after she became ill. As you say, my Mum probably was like yours and did grieve for my dad when left on her own. It’s just in the last couple of months that I’ve realised how bad my reactions were after Dad died. I acted so weirdly and so out of character. Things have now become so embedded in my head and it seems to have set me back. I am trying so hard though, and really trying to pull myself together as I certainly don’t want to carry on my life in this way. Apart from you people here and the counsellor, (up to a point) no-one knows or ever asks how I feel now. (I would only say “fine” anyway as I don’t want any sympathy.) When my head is clear, I can see that I have moved on a little and as you say it just takes time, no matter how long. Patience is what I need!! I read some of the other posts from young people who have also lost loved ones and they appear to have such strength compared to me.

Thanks for listening Susan. You're a gem.Think I’ve just rambled on about the same things again -sorry. I’ll read your post again in the morning. They mean such a lot to me and you really make me think. Ever thought of becoming a counsellor?-you’d be brilliant. One day I might even be in the position to give others constructive advice too!!!

Must try and get some sleep now-3 hours last night!!

Lots of love

Louise xxxxxxx

Am taking the children to the Bear Factory (think it’s call Build a Bear now) on Thursday so am just away to find out a bit more about it. Our topic is “Toys” so I though a visit there might tie in with their class work. I think I’ve made them more excitable though. Oh the joys!!!

Hi Louise,

Hope you managed a little more sleep last night! Sounds as if the visit on Thursday is a great idea and I'm sure they'll all enjoy it. It's good to be able to be absorbed in work, I'm not sure how I would have managed otherwise - hence one of the reasons I'm not too keen on holidays- too much time to think and wish for times gone by rather than looking forward!

This is just a quick note before I go off to work, my mum was really not herself at all in the last few months before she died. She did things quite out of character and I found this very hard to deal with, although I knew that it was down to how ill she was and also how angry she felt at losing my dad. In addition, a few days before she died she had a stroke and it was all very difficult, in terms of how she was physically and emotionally. For many months after she died my memories were of her over the last month and I found that very upsetting and hard to cope with. However, more and more these days these visions are being replaced by ones of my mum as she really was and although the other more recent memories can at times be still so vivid and difficult, I can honestly say that they are fading. I'm not sure why - whether it is to do with time or not- but it is happening and perhaps it will be the same for you. I suppose these last memories remind me that it would not have been possible for my mum to live on and that would not have been the right thing for her. It seems as if nature probably does have a way of helping us cope even if it does take time!

Anyway better get on - have a good day and I'll see you later,

lots of love

Susan