my beautiful mum has gone page 2

I'll not ask how you are today because I'm sure you're just ok - if that. School must now have finished and whilst that must be a relief and you're ready for a good rest there is now much more time to think about everything. I have been kept very busy by my 11 year old who has organised so many things - he is very astute and shows a great deal of insight - probably more than anyone else! He was very close to my mum and seems to appreciate and almost understand how I feel and he can see that this is different to my brother and sister. So this is reassuring for me and as you say in a strange way it is comforting to know, that it's ok to be so sad because you miss somebody and after no matter how old we are, they were and are our parents.

So I want you to know that I'll be thinking of you over the next few days, especially when I have a bit of time to myself in the kitchen as I prepare the Christmas meal. My in-laws and my sister and her family will be here so plenty to keep me busy- I know that my parents will be here certainly in our minds and spirit and I have to keep that with me, together with all the happy memories I have of Christmas spent with them.

So from my own experience, don't expect too much of yourself, just go with how you feel and acknowledge that this has been so awful and you need to allow yourself time and space to start healing both physically and emotionally.

So I'm sending you all I can, my love, support and comfort and the strength to get throught the next week or so,

Susan

I'm OK today-keeping busy. I had a good night's sleep too so that definitely makes a difference to my mood. You seem to have a very mature and understanding son there. I often wish that I had found "Mr Right" and been able to give Mum and Dad grandchildren. Mum would have spoilt them to bits. No way will the children appear now but I haven't totally given up on finding "Mr Right"!! I have many good friends (find it hard to speak to them though) and I know that once the next few weeks are over I must try and get out and about with them more.

I'm just away to finish wrapping some presents for my niece and nephews. I hope I have enough paper as I don't want to go near a shop today! I have been ordered to be at my brother's by 10am for breakfast and then he is coming with me to the cemetery.I laid a holly wreath last week but with all this freezing weather, I doubt if it has survived.

Have an enjoyable Christmas with all your relations Susan and I hope Santa is good to you.

Lots of love Louise xxxxx

PS

What a wonderful poem that I think really does sum up the feelings you have for your mum - you were both so lucky to have had each other and to have experienced such a great relationship.

I'll wish you a peaceful day tomorrow and hope that it goes ok, it sounds as if Duncan is looking after you so I hope it all passes by quickly and you're ok. I will be thinking of you,

with love

Susan x

Just wondered how you are today and to let you know you're in my thoughts.

love Susan

I'm OK thanks. How are you? I made it through yesterday and although it was a very and sad and emotional day, I think I coped better than I had expected. My borther and I went to the grave together and it was good, just the two of us-he has 4 children! Then I came home at about 1pm and had my own lunch. Last year was spent at the hospice trying to feed my Mum some ice-cream and jelly and knowing exactly what was in store for us so I suppose it was less stressful too. Now we've the next week and the 1st anniversary of Mum's death to get through and hopefully then I may be able to start looking to the future but with many changes.

I hope your day went well too. I've lots of people visiting today so I'm being kept busy.

Thinking of you.

Love Louise xxxx *** Edited 26/12/2006 13:58:48 GMT by LouiseM***

I'm ok and like everyone else survived. It was easier this year, I think because I knew what to expect and I supposed that I knew I could cope. But such sad times - I was also thinking about the Christmas before my mum died when we were in intensive care but it all looked quite hopeful! However, that was not to be and so as you say we need to be looking forward.

I will be going away on Sunday - last year we spent it with close friends who I think knew exactly how I would be and what I needed. However, this year I felt as if I could not impose again and that perhaps we should just go elsehere.

To be honest now the start of another year reallys holds less significance - it really is just another day without my parents and especially without my mum and whether it is 2006/7/8/ really makes no difference. So that will be my coping strategy and that was the same when my mum had been dead for one year. I remember not feeling any difference between the Monday and Tuesday other than being reminded that it was one year - but actually some days it feels like only a few months ago and other times like years so the "day" holds less importance. I'm not sure that after the anniversary anything will change - for me there is and was, no time scale by which I could expect to feel better- it still varies day to day.

I'll hope to catch up with you before I go, I'm away Saturday to celebrate my in-laws Emerald Wedding Anniversary then back Jan 8th.

I think you've been great Louise and I know your parents, expecially your mum would have been so proud of you.

With love and a hug and I hope your dog is behaving!

Susan x

Glad you survived Christmas too and like you, I hope next year may be easier as I’ll know what to expect. I was just so relieved to get through it all and I know it sounds foolish but I actually felt quite proud of myself for the way I coped. However, the last couple of days I’ve been really struggling again-can’t sleep, can’t eat, just want to curl up and hide and I feel as if I’ve slipped back down a big black hole. I miss my parents dearly but I’m not dwelling on what has happened continually (not consciously anyway). Losing them has definitely triggered something inside me though and some days I am finding life so tough. I am really angry with myself for being like this, especially when I read on here what others are going through. I know Mum and Dad would be so disappointed in me too. I am a fairly quiet person but I also thought that I was a fairly strong person-perhaps not. I really feel I need to get a grip of myself and move on (it’s nearly a year). Some days I just don’t know how to though. I do understand that there is no time limit to the grieving process and as you say the depth of loss is only equivalent to the depth of feeling. I have been clinging to the assumption that things will get easier when anniversaries etc. are over but you are right, it’s just another day.

Sorry for rambling again. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

(Tomorrow WILL be better)

Enjoy your trip away Susan. Sounds like a really good idea. I’m just going round the corner for a couple of hours to take in the new year with friends. Others are going into the city centre to the street party but that is definitely not for me.

Benji is sitting looking at me with his big sad spaniel eyes so I think I’ll go and put on my winter woollies and head down to the beach with him for a long walk. Hopefully I’ll be able to clear my head too.

I’m so glad to have met you Susan. Your words of comfort and support have meant such a lot. Thanks a million.

Lots of love

Louise xx *** Edited 28/12/2006 14:04:05 GMT by LouiseM***

Good to see you and I hope you enjoyed your walk. I think you should feel very proud of yourself, it's such early days and you're making big strides forward. There will, of course, be those days when it feels as if you're going backwards or struggling in treacle, but as long as you keep going in the right forward direction that's as much as we can hope for.

Whilst I have said that the anniversaries are just another day, until they pass, I think they kind of hang over you as it's difficult to imagine how you can ever make it through - but you will Louise and your parents will be supporting you and encouraging you.

I had always been the one in our family who was perceived to be the strongest, the one who sorted everyone out and the one who coped with whatever happened. However, when I knew that my mum was dying, I dreaded how I would react and how I would ever be able to get on. I did not go for counselling or support because I felt that I should be able to just get on with it or as you say get a grip. Eventually after many months I realised that I did just need to take my time to come to terms with my loss and my life without my parents. I had not found this place then and it is only recently that I have been able to reflect back on how, even though, I still am so sad, I am more able to cope and I know that I have just had to accept my life as it is now.

I think you show a great deal of insight into where you are in this whole process, but don't feel rushed, it will all take time and the experence which comes with that time as you pass by Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries. But now you have one hurdle over and you have managed to get through that, your parents would not be disappointed in you at all, quite the opposite. They would appreciate that you are doing your very best and that's all they would want, and, actually in real terms you're doing very well. Already I have seen you here supporting others, passing on your experience and caring for others in similar situations.

I remember saying to my husband that once my mum had been dead for a year, I would feel better and him looking at me bewildered and asking why I thought that. What was suddenly going to happen to me then and me saying I'm not sure what was going to happen, but surely I'd feel better knowing that I had managed a year. However, he was right, it is such a slow gradual process and I cannot pinpoint when the raw physical ache became less acute and more of a sad acceptance. But Louise I can say it will happen sooner or later and I suppose the timing is just too personal to be able to specify.

So sorry I'm not sure if I have put this quite as I wanted?? I suppose I just wanted to try to reassure you that the way you feel is not surprising or unexpected and there's no need to rush your feelings, already you are moving forward, so go slowly but surely x

Lots of love

Susan *** Edited 28/12/2006 17:53:42 GMT by susans***

Sorry for sounding so pathetic earlier. It’s just been one of those days where I felt I just couldn’t cope with anything anymore. However, I’ve managed to have a snooze in front of the TV and I feel a little more human again.

When I look back, I suppose I have moved forward a little. (albeit with the help of medication) I now have to try and accept that for me the healing process may take some time. I still have intense feelings of loss but there is some degree of acceptance now. I’m also back at work after having been signed off for 7 months so that’s a positive step too. I’ve only been off a couple of days in my entire teaching career so it was quite a shock to be told that I would make myself really ill if I continued.

I do feel so alone at times. People expect me to be “over it” by now. I don’t want anyone to think of me as a failure so I keep all my feelings bottled up inside. The doctor has insisted I go back to Cruse counselling in January so I hope that helps. I’ve just been a couple of times but it’s quite hard to get across to someone just how close a relationship I had with my parents (especially Mum) and how much I miss them. Also, just knowing that you and others on this site who have gone through similar experiences are there to talk to is of great comfort to me. I know I will get through the bad days –everyone does- but my head is so “messed up” sometimes that it’s difficult to imagine that I ever will.

I feel totally drained today so I’m off to relax for a while before hopefully getting a good night’s sleep.

Take care and thanks again.

Louise xxxx

PS

Is an Emerald Wedding Anniversary 55 years? If so- WOW!!! *** Edited 28/12/2006 22:10:18 GMT by LouiseM***