hi susan and amanda, been having problems posting on the other post so thought i would carry on here and see if it works!! how has your weekend been? susan do things feel a little easier for you this year or not really? i feel so sorry for you having all those people around you last year when i bet all you wanted to do was run didnt you? its awful with christmas coming isnt it i even go shopping online as to not have to go shopping with all the xmas things about. i feel so selfish and bitter at the moment and dont want to, i can hear my mum saying come on karen dont be like that but its hard isnt it. i feel so lonely tonight i just want to talk and have a cuddle and a kiss with my mum, sometimes it really hits even harder doesnt it? speak to you both soon, and hope you are bearing up. we all need each other dont we? my love and thoughts are with you love karen xxxxx
I'm sorry you're feeling so low but quite understand and all I can say is that from my own perspective it does get easier - not the missing of mum at all but just the acceptance. Yes you're right, all I did want to do was run but how could I - with a son who I had not really seen all year because I was first looking after my dad dying and then my mum. I had spent so much time away that he just needed me to be with him. Life seems so uncomplicated when you're only 10!!
I must say I felt really fed up when shopping this week when I saw all the Christmas cards for mum and dad - it really is so hard and to be honest I think you should get away if you can - at least for this year!
If I can do anything at all please do let me know but either way I'll be just here waiting to chat. You're right, we do need each other to chat and listen.
Yes it is such a hard time, I spent weekend at my husbands family's and that in its self is difficult for me at moment, then they start talking about Christmas and how excitied they were and what plan was etc etc - usually we spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with my family then go on Boxing Day to his family and stay up there for few days - I just wanted to say I dont want Christmas this year how can I think about plans when its going to be such a strange time. Like you Karen, I know my mum would be saying 'come on sweetheart - we loved Christmas' - but thats what makes it so hard doesn't it? I know that I will have to pull it together for my little boy too but I just don't want it to happen and I don't want to spend time up there having to pretend I am 'okay' and enjoying myself but I guess the kids do help and will give a bit of happiness. Susan I really admire your strength coping with both your mum and dads passing so close to each other, and it is so hard but at some point the other people in our lives need 'us' back to help them deal with things too - I guess that uncomplicated life that children have is what we need to aspire to - try and enjoy the little things with those people we still have in our life and keep memories of the ones we wished were still here alive so that they will always be with us. We just need to take little steps, steps that we feel we can cope with and if plans need to change for this time of year then they need to change - because we do need to think of ourselves as well as others in our lives. Thanks for being there it is so nice to know!
Good to see you - how did the counselling go on Friday, I suppose it's too early to say yet. I imagine it takes a while but I hope that the first step was positive. I had never realised or really given much thought before to about how difficult a time Christmas can be for people. Funny is'nt it how you can be so unaware of the sadness in people's lives until it comes knocking on your own door. I suppose that's the way it should be, we need to make the most of the great times we have as they form our happy memories when those we love are no longer around with us. I know that is so easy to say but when it's you trying to carry on it is just not easy. Since coming here I have really looked at myself to see if things have changed over the last year and I have to say that on reflection I think they have. By being here, sharing my thoughts and identifying with others I can see that for me time has healed a little and days are even perhaps a little easier. The sadness and the depth with which I miss my mum will never lessen but, Karen and Amanda I think I can with all honestly say that it is now just a different kind of loss perhaps not so acute and raw.
Now, that was supposed to be a note of encouragement but I'm not sure I've succeeded!
Thanks for coming, I do appreciate our chats and I would like to send you both a hug ().
How are you feeling today? I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you and just take your time with everything. Life at the moment will be so sad and of course, normally, all that we need at times like this would be a cuddle from mum. It's awful to feel that suddenly the one who has always been there, always on your side and always ready to listen is gone and just nobody else will do. If there was anything I could say to make it easier I would, but I know there is nothing. But I can, I hope, reassure you that it is possible to carry on and that the depth of your sadness truly reflects the depth of your love for your mum. You have experienced something that is special that will always be with you. It will be reflected in your relationships with your children and your mum will be so proud. I look around and can see that it's not the same for everyone, some people just have no insight into how wonderful a relationship it can be - if they did have, they would be more understanding.
So I hope the day has been easier and I'll look forward to seeing you soon.
dear susan and amanda, your words are so comforting and yes you did succeed your posts are always so lovely, just read your last post with tears. i hope you are not too bad today, i still feel really down and sad but i know it is to be expected. as you can both relate when you love your mum like we have its going to be very hard and take a long time to try and heal a little isnt it? susan like you i also feel i havent been there too much for my children as you lost your mum and dad so close together like i did, losing both parents within a year of each other is just so unbelievable and you cant really take it all in can you? and i know how much my parents adored there grandchildren and want so much to be there for them and make mum and dad very proud but it is very hard at moment isnt it? amanda i am also thinking about going to bereavement group or something to try and help and so i can be the mum to my boys that i want to be and that my parents would want me to be. my posts always sound so depressing dont they? hope i dont make you even more sad. my love and thoughts are with you both, love karen xxxxxx
Good to see you. Do your posts sound depressing, not at all, they are so realistic and in many ways I suppose for all of us who are here it is in an odd way reassuring to know that the way we feel is not anything out of the ordinary. As I read the messages on the site, I have come to realise that we are here specifically because we can find someone who understands - we're all at different stages but at least we can listen and respond with insight and true compassion.
I did not go to counselling although everyone did advise me to, I'm not sure for me whether that would have helped and I suppose now I'll never know. Amanda will, in time, be able to answer that, I can only say from my perspective it has helped me hugely to be here, to talk with people that in some ways are relative strangers and yet in many ways they share your feelings and sadness. I came upon the site by chance looking for a Macmillan Coffee Morning near me (my mum had asked me to do that)- strange is'nt it that in a round about way she sent me here!
Anyway Karen, it's always good to hear from you just to know how you are so do keep popping in!
Sorry I havent replied sooner I stayed at my dads house last night while Aaron has half term and so we could give him a bit of company in evening when he finds it hardest. We had a nice evening - meet my brother and his girlfriend for some dinner - a few tears were shed as normal - Josie was clapping her hands for the first time and it just made dad remember telling my mum that I had had a baby girl when she was in hospital - he said she had never looked so happy or proud and your right Susan you don't notice the sadness in others peoples lives until you experience it yourself - yes you feel sorry for them but dont truly comprehend it until it comes along, and all of those happy memories are what we will cherish, we are lucky to have loved and been loved so deeply, some people just dont experience that in their life at all do they?
Councelling was pretty emotional on Friday - people have told me that I need to be as open as possible when I go - so that is what I was - I just opened the floodgates - words and tears!! But have felt bit calmer since. I know things must be doubley hard for you both having lost both parents so close together - I can not even imagine the pain losing one has been hard enough, but since mums passing I find I get angry so easily and that was one of the main reasons for going - I dont want my anger to affect my children (or husband!) and I want to be the best mum I can just like you guys, but dont feel like I have been doing the best I can - I think my little boy gives me more support than I do him!! But Im trying and we have done lots of nice things this week which is lovely. I guess we will get there eventually. And Karen I always think my posts sound so low! Yours dont your just being honest and we need to be able to do that, especially here - no need to hide how we feel is there - I think you end up doing that too much in every day life and its nice to have somewhere you can come and express how you 'really' feel. Susan thank you for your lovely words of encouragement and your hug - I send both of you one too () thanks for listening. xxx Amanda *** Edited 26/10/2006 00:11:50 GMT by AmandaE***
Hope half term is going well! We have also had a few days away, we went back to where my parents used to live (I just need to keep going there - even though new people now live in their house). It was all very upsetting but maybe slightly better than last time and the time before- well maybe! I went just with my son this year and as you say it's amazing how supportive children can be.
It sounds as if, although early days, your counselling sessions may prove to be very helpful. I would take the opportunity to chat on and on about my mum and how much I miss her - to anyone who would listen!! I know they would probably fall asleep long before I stopped.
It's really great that your mum knew all about Josie and your dad must get a lot of pleasure from knowing that - but everything in this context has another side. I'm sure I would feel "if only mum was here to see this or share this", if that is so for you, I can understand why you feel cross and cheated out of so much time. Once my dad died, a large part of my mum was never the same, she missed him so much and so in my heart I knew that in many ways once she was very ill, she just wanted to be with him and so I can reconcile myself with that thought. However, I can see that's not the same for you or your dad, but he must know and get some comfort from being surrounded by you and your family and all your love.
Look after yourself and see you soon.
I hope your weekend goes well and that you have little ironing to do!
My dad works in football and has been having a bit of a bad run at his homes games so I took the kids for first time since he started there (he got sack at his last team just after mum passed away(they said he wasnt the same man and felt he needed time off to recover!!! Can you believe that he wants to go back to work to have something to focus on but they let him go when he is a his lowest) - anyway he got another job quickly - good away from home, but no luck at home - so thought grandchildren might bring some luck - it worked they won!! It was great but when I was leaving him we just stood and hugged and I hated letting him go home on his own my mum was such an important part of his life (obviously) and his support through this job. Why does life have to be this way, one minute your enjoying it all and then when this happens it just changes doesnt it? I think he feels like he doesnt have a purpose really anymore (except for us, which I try and keep him busy with!) and it must be so lonely without their other half, I feel lonely how must he feel?
I think it great that you still go and visit where your parents used to live and that your son goes too, you have to remember it all and keep those memories alive by sharing them. I talk about my mum all the time and yes as you said you could talk forever about them but dont sometimes for fear of boring people! So I did find that good with couselling I could just go over some of the things that have been going round and round in my head since it all happened - questions that nobody can probably answer but at least I can get them off my chest again!
Hope your having a good weekend, take care and I will speak to you soon. (Big pile of ironing to do AHHHHH it will have to wait, maybe tomorrow!!). All my love Amanda xx
Hi Karen, Hope your doing okay, thinking about you xx Amanda
Hey great news about the match, I'm sure your dad must have been delighted, I hope his success continue and he goes from strength to strength I was disappointed to hear how he has been treated by his employers, how can people be so cruel - presumably because they have never had a similar experience. Still it sounds as if that may have been for the best and it's great that he does have something that he has to focus on - although I cannot imagine how difficult that must be for him. My mum would dread going home after my dad died and I felt so helpless, nothing could make that any easier for her because no matter how much time we spent with her and even though she came and stayed with me she knew that she had to go home at some point and she would be without him.
It sounds to me as if counselling provides a great opportunity for you to talk about your mum and how you are feeling. It's funny is'nt it - in many ways my mum is with me now in my mind and my thoughts probably much more than when she was here. We would always be chatting on the phone numerous times a day and if I was wondering about something, thinking about what she would say or do well I'd just call. Now I spend so much of my time thinking about what would mum do, how would she handle that, what would she think and of course if only she were here....... I see other daughters and mums out together and I do feel cheated, in fact there are certain coffee shops that I no longer go into as the memories are too painful so I avoid all that and will be doing so as much as I can over the next few weeks leading up to Christmas.
So half term over now and we're back to reality, I hope Aaron settles back in as he continues his first term and that you're feeling ok. As you say we all need to take it slow and in many ways be reassured that there are others who are finding it hard to face life without our best friend and mum - at least we have found a place where we can talk freely with people who do want to listen and can identify with the feelings and the challenges they pose.
