Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Dearest Mel, I watch the comings and goings on the share site as do many, I only make the odd comment at present because of my time commitments but one thing I have noticed is there is a pattern to everyone who comes here for help and support. It is fairly normal to make the first few posts out of desperation, needing help advice and just wanting to know there are people outside of one's immediate friends and family that understand the torment you are going through. There is then a sea change the helped become supporters and helpers themselves, an almost dramatic turnabout as they receive strength from the combined good will of those who have helped them. We used to sing a song in Sunday School "Have you had a kindness shown? Pass it on, Twas not giv'n for thee alone Pass it on, Let it travel down the years, let it wipe anothers tears, have you had a kindness shown pass it on." That song is acted out on this site more than anywhere else I have experienced. You are a prime example of openhearted goodwill towards others when your own soul is so tormented with all you are suffering through Daz's illness. You have our wholehearted support at this time and we wish you well in making each day special that you spend together as a family. We will still be here for you, just call and we'll come running. And please you have no need to feel guilt in neglecting us for the time being.
My very best wishes to you and Daz and my prayers for strength to cope with all that lies ahead.
At this moment in time my head is like cotton wool. But your words are so true. Again brought tears to my eyes and made me want to sing that song out loud.............(bit silly i know) It is such a meaning ful song that i want my children to sing if they do not know it already. You have touch my heart.......I thank you..kim
you dont need to apologise for needing to spend precious time with your family hunni, you are amazing the support and love you show to us all, now you need some special time with your family and to make special memories for you all. i wish you all the luck in the whole world, and wish i could change things for you, i will be praying for you all and holding your hands from afar and will always be standing right beside you, if ever you need me you have my numbers babe. you could never be selfish or anything bad, you do what you have to for you and your family daz and your little chickies at home, take care all of you will be thinking about you always my beautiful mellymoo
love you so very much and thank you for everything!! your one special lady!!
hope to see you one day here when your ready,
loads a love and hugs your chickie and friend karen xxxxxxxxxx
Mel... You are such a very wonderful person...and I only wish i lived next door to you because I think you are the perfect friend and the perfect neighbour..and the perfect mum and wife, but you cant be everywhere all of the time... and yes you are so very right your family need you ..and you need your family, and not one single person will think any less of you for taking time off from here... and IF anyone did.. then you watch us all jump on em!!..LOL If you had known me just a few short months ago..you would know how little time i now spend n the PC compared to what i once did.. I too had to stop and think of my young family... because mel we all have families and no matter how many fantastic people there are here our families must always come first.. So missus ..go get gone.. see you here whenever its right!..love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
As wonderful as your support and love is to all the people on this site, always a friendly caring word, always supportive and with sound advice, well Mellymoo, now it is time to take your own advice. I have read you say about being there for their families and loved ones, well you have a family and loved ones as well as those who love you. Now the time has come for you to focus on your family, you will not get this time again, this time with Daz will be precious.
Focus now on being with your family, focus on memory events, focus on bonding between you and yours. This is important for all of you, because time waits for no man.
MHM, youre not beig selfish hunni, as everyone els hastold you. your one of the most loving caring supportive people i have ever met hun, we will be here fr you whenyou are ready hunni, i hve also sent u an email, and wish you and yor family strength, love hugs and send loads of kisse to u all babe. love ya loads.
anuva small msg for everyone else, i may not be on here for a while, im having sum probs too as mot of you may know, but am hving trouble trying to deal wiv it all at the mo, i hate myself at the mo cuz the past few da i ave been so short fused it scares me. its got to e extent where i feel i cud smash t house up and i have never ben like that, its just not me. i have always been able to control the way i feel but cant even do that at the moment, so think is better i stay away until ive sorted my screwed up head out. im so greatful for all o the help and support i have received on here and wouldnt like to feel i have offended anyone. love to you all shelliey xoxoxox
Mel, well trust you to steal my thunder lol, I have just read back with exactly the same thoughts in mind
Db seen surgeon today, he said there is nothing we can do now, next was the consultant, she said the same, DB sobbed buckets mouthing "I dont want to die, please i will do anything, chemo surgery, whatever it takes" It was awful
I suprised myself I was so very cool, calm and collective,the care team, feathered friends , and this site had obviously prepared me so well, I knew deep in my heart that ,that would be the outcome, so Im pleased I didnt cry, said all the right things ( for once, yeah) and held the folks up, no doubts my nervous breakdown will come at a later date lol
Dad aint ever been to any hospital appointments before,always been me and db, he has always put his head in the sand, today he came and fell apart, to the point of collapse,
The consultant called me back alone and said 2-8 weeks and its highly likely she will have a massive external bleed, which for the family is pretty horrific, I need to prepare you
Im the one being selfish now, forgive me, but Ive put on such an act today its good to type all of this? if that makes sense? I feel selfish when its your partner of 44, mums 65 and we expect to outlive our parents, I just wanted her to go peacfully in her sleep at a ripe old age, you know ? and you just want to live a ripe old age with daz
DB needs a new nickname, cos she aint bouncin back ............
Anyways what im waffling and getting at is I reckon too that every second counts now, you aint selfish Daz has to come first likewise DB to me and i just know our featherd friends understand, or they wouldnt be our friends hey?
We are going away on sunday to a very lovely cottage from a company called rural retreats with family and furbabies of course,quite near here just incase we need the hospital, like i say every second counts and i fully undersatnd and support you
You have the kids to consider, I only have the furbabies so no doubt I will be pouring my heart out on here and the rest of you I just love the fact that I knows someone going to be here and i just hope you understand when Im on a different part of the journey i will be there to support, hell did I just say that ? Journey I really dislike that description, you know a journey to me is a trip down the motorway goin further afield etc
Like Chris Rea song " this is the road to hell " hopefully heaven hey ?????????
Nows im talking true crap Kate style
Good luck all, i love you dearly we will return xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
