Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
I just wanted to send you a message to check that you and your mum are ok? I hope all is well and i'm here if you need me. Please keep in touch as to how things are going, as i do worry about you. Take care babe remember i'm here if you ever want to chat love and hugs melxxx
dear Teresa, Well Darryls chemo has gone without a hitch thank god, he doesn't even feel washed out this time (well not yet anyway) and still has a grin like a cheshire cat on his face! If he keeps looking that smug, i may have to give him a poke in the ribs, mind he's really ticklish so probably make him worse! haha. I'm sure your dad is not looking down thinking you are a, as you say, 'a bloody heartless sod' I'm sure he's looking down with pride at how well you have all coped, and that you are all getting on with your lives as best you can. You shouldn't feel guilty for not crying as i said before everyone is different, and it's good that you all still have a sense of humour, goes to show what a close loving family you all are! We didn't feel the earthquake here we live in kent, but did hear about it on the news. I bet that it was scarey though! It made me laugh when you thought a demi john was a type of condom, Must be a big one to hold £130 in change! haha actually you got me onto something now!!!!! i wonder if £130 of change would fit in a condom?????????? Might have to try that out hahahaha So this baby of Angies may be here today? well lets hope so at least James won't forget when the baby's birthday is! haha let me know of any develpoments, as you got me excited now and i haven't even seen you all! haha I think the caster oil is a good idea probably just give her the poops though! haha Poor Angie does she know we talk about her like this? I really hope you have a lovely meal with your family tonight and that you all share a good laugh. It does you good to go out and have family time together doesn't it? you keep safe babe remember i'm here for you and i'm glad chatting to me helps, as you chatting to me helps me too. have a lovely evening love big (((((((((hugs)))))))))) and lots of fp's love mel xxx
First of all Teresa, dear Teresa forgive me, I did some reading up tonight and you must think i am a horrid person for not acknowledging ( spelling bad) you, i hijack Mellymoos thread and dont give you a mention, for that I am truly sorry, here you are grievieng and you was so kind to answer me when i was having a real bad day even though you was hurting( my thread alone with the laptop blah blah) please forgive me I tend to walk around each day in a haze, I didnt think it was the same Teresa or just didnt think at all,- so sorry,you know I used to love current affairs now cant tell you whats goin on in the world?, loved sport especially my beloved football team- couldnt tell you were we are in the league ? unheard of with me , im usualy a sport bore!!,I watch tv, but stare right through the box?,so I hope you forgive me, I hope your pain and hurt gets easier your Dad would be proud and he was obviously a gem ,love kate xxxxxxxxxxxxx Charles - dear Charles I also read a little on you, I think you are a wonderful kind giving gentleman, I wish I could return your good lady to you, she would be so proud of you , you give so much on this site, i think you are a wonderful man -and you have lost your solemate, thankyou for being there when I have needed someone xxxxxxxxxxxxxx My Lovely Mellymoo, for some reason I was drawn to you and your thread, maybe because it is because we are fellow carers? or fellow nutters ha ha I just think you seem a real genuine person and tonight you have proved that by telling me you worry, I was thrilled that you and your darling Darryl had been worried uneccesarily about the onco visit,and i am glad things are improveing for you both,happy I drove you crazy on the eve of the appointment ,you both deserve some good news - hurrah, hope last chemo goes well As for me well my mum, thankyou so much for asking and careing, well she just kept collapsing so I rang an ambulance, turns out she was seriously anemic and dehydrated, they admitted her to the cancer unit, she looked so poorly and sooo old shes only 65 but looked 100, just like the painting "the scream" I sat with her for a full 48 hours while they pumped fluids and anti sickness meds into her, i was so frightened she was barely concious but within 24hrs she looked like mum again thank the lord, sorry if this post seems so miserable but mum was in my care, I am distraught, why didnt I see it? Mum says she s fine but of course she is going to say that to me her daughter? Mum cant talk and is in a 4 bed ward, she told me tonight that the lady in the bed opposite was haveing a fit, mum dragged herself to the nurses station but couldnt make herself understood, she said she smacked the nurse like a mad woman until she realised something was up!! One nurse helped mum to the loo and said shout when you are done ? hello she cant talk? mum said she sat on the loo with tears rolling down her cheeks, most nurses are kind and considerate but..................... goodness im emotional and rambling i will mail when im in a better frame of mind hope you dont think im nuts its been a tough few days ive not slept and im very upset Love Kate xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
my dear Kate, i'm so sorry you have had such a worrying time with your mum, but you shouldn't feel guilty or blame yourself as things can change for people with cancer so quickly. So no blaming yourself ok? You are doing the best you can for your mum and i'm sure she appreciates all you do for her and that she loves you very much. You have been a brilliant daughter so please don't beat yourself up about it.I'm also sure if your mum wasn't fine then she would tell you so please don't worry about that. I think the nurses on your mums ward are so heartless especially knowing your mum can't talk. They deserve a good talking too if you ask me and putting straight, but don't start me on that as iv'e had my fair share of heartless nurses to last me a lifetime but thats another story. In no way am i saying all nurses are like that so sorry for any really good nurses i have offended most of them are so caring but sadly the bad ones sometimes get focused on more than the good! You don't have to just message when you are in a good mood as i am here no matter what mood you are in so please feel free to message me anytime i'm here for you no matter what ok? you take care and i hope your mum is back home to you and your dad soon and i'm here anytime you want a chat. Take care babe love and hugs mel xx
Dear Mel Thankyou so much for the reply, my mood has improved now maybe its to do with the wine i have drank ha ha, mum will always say she s fine to me, she like me, is a wonderful actress, but i suppose she is always wanting to protect me, suppose thats a mothers instinct isnt it? I need to see through the act more, anyway i think she will be home soon thank goodness, Dad and i miss her so much, know what you mean about nurses the majority have been good ones who have cared for mum for the last 3 years, so they know her well and treat her with the respect the lady deserves, I only hope she smacked that one hard around the head today to get her attention ha ha, I have arranged for the speech therapist to come to the house as soon as she is home and shes gonna give mum a servox box to amplify her whisper so heaven help dad and i - we have joked we will be removing the batteries ha ha I visited mum twice today and on the evening visit she was in dreadful pain, she had tears rolling down her cheeks saying she couldnt communicate with the nurse so I kicked off something royal and mum had her pain relief in minutes,I can be so placid but when someone i love is hurting i am truly a looney by the time we left she was so comfortable and I have just called to make sure she has had her sleeping pill so i will relax now Happy to hear Darryls chemo went well, any news if he is going to get radiotherapy? mum has had that 2 years ago and although it was a pain in the backside going to the hospital everyday it is a walk in the park compared to the chemo, made her skin a little sore but E45 did the job and it also made her feel tired I will stop rabbitting on now thanks again you are a sweetheart K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
hi mel (fellow nightowl) sorry i havent spoke to you for a while, good to hear darryls chemo went well, hope he is feeling ok. love to you all karen xxx
hello Kate again, now if you have been drinking wine i hope you are willing to share it around with us all! haha. I can understand you and your dad missing your mum but she will be homw soon and i xpect she misses you both too. It will be nice if the speech therapist can arrange for your mum to have a servox box fitted it will be so much nicer for her to be heard. I'm sure she's saved lots of things up to say to you and your dad but as you said you can always remove the battries! lol No i didn't mean that bless her! Darryls onco is going to chat to a colleague who is an expert in radiotherapy, to find out what the best doses and how many darryl has to have. Darryl has a ct scan on the 6th march then sees his onco again on the 11th march so we find out about radiotherapy then. I don't really know anything about radiotherapy but hope darryl will be ok with it. Darryl will be having the radiotherapy on his spine as he has mets there and also on his head, as the onco said that Darryl's type of cancer is prone to spread to the brain, but by having radiotherapy now that cuts the chance down to about 30%, so we think it's worth it. Well i had best let you go now as i can rabbit on too! haha hope to speak to you soon don't forget i'm here anytime for you, love and hugs mel xxx
hello Karen, so good to hear from you i was begining to worry about you! Darryl is still doing well and will be having radiotherapy soon. How are you and how are things going? I hope you and your family are well and i'm here when you ever want a chat. I see we are still the night owls! but i must admit i did have a couple of nights when i slept really well especially the night we had the good news about Darryl. Lazy me slept for 12 hrs flat out! lol May have to change my title to 'am i the only carer who sleeps loads' hahaha I think i slept so well because we had been so worried about darryl's appointment with his onco that it all caught up with me! oh yes by the way Kate has wine she is drinking that iv'e told her she has to share with us! haha well i'll let you go for now i'm here whenever you need me. you take care and hope to hear from you very soon. love and hugs mel xxxx
hi Kate, glad the new title made you laugh!! and by the way little lady how dare you drink mine and Karens share of the wine!! hahaha oh well guess we'll have to wait till next time haha hope you get alovely hangover tomorrow will serve you right for beeing greedy haha take care love and hugs mel xxx
