Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
my dear Charles, Thank you so much for your message you really are a star!! and also thank you for talking to Kate this morning in my absence, that was very kind of you! Well i hope you save me some of your celebration drink as i'm feeling a bit thirsty!! hahaha We reaaly are having a good day today and has certainly set Darryl's mind at rest as he has been so worried the last few days, and even thought we would get bad news today, so just goes to show how wrong he was. We have stopped singing and dancing now as we need a well deserved cuppa! thank you again for messaging me it really means alot. Hope to hear from my little chicken again soon take care love and big hugs your mother hen mel xx
hello Jacq, i hope you and your family are well and that your dad is having a good day today? We had GOOD NEWS, from Darryls onco he said that Darryl's tumour in his lung had reduced by 85%-90%!!! we were so happy been singing and dancing what a sight we were!! haha. The onco is having a meeting with one of his colleagues to discuss radiotherapy on Darryl's spine as he has mets ther and also on his head as a precautionary measure. As the type of cancer Darryl has is prone to spread to the brain so doing radiotherapy to reduce that chance. We have to see the onco again on the 11th march to find out when radiotherapy starts and how many and how often Darryl has to have it. Darryl has his last chemo on thursday then in a few weeks we are having a get together for family and friends to celebrate the good news.We are so very happy now, and i told Darryl it would all be ok, but he was so convinced that we would have bad news today. When we told Kirsty our daughter the good news the poor mite burst into tears of relief!! we just didn't realise just how worried she had been.Well i will say bye for now message me anytime as i'm always here for you. Take care cos i care love and big hugs mel xxx
Ahhhh i could cry for you, that's brilliant news you all must be thrilled, at lease Darryl knows all the hard work and the feeling tired and emotional will be worth it. I'm soooo pleased for you both. I will keep my fingers croosed daily for him. I hope his last chemo session on Thursday will be okay, i'm sure it will be he's come this far. I havn't seen my dad today as i have been to work and didn't finish till 7pm, but i have rang him and he's washed the car today, he sounded fine but he just get's so board. Love to you both. you both should be smiling, yes your both going to beat this.....xxxx
Hi Mel I am so happy for you and Darryl you truly deserve some good news at last, you are soo right Charles is a wonderful support thankyou Charles, I cant see the screen, my mum kept collapsing. rang 999.....sorry talk soon
Hi mel I had tears when i read your good news, i am so pleased for you and daryll and your son and daughter, i hope all goes ok with darylls last chemo on thursday, let me know and congraulations on your niece kerry having baby harvey, we are still waiting though angie has had a few twinges - me and mum babysat mia (my niece) sat night and angie and james went out for a curry, think james expected things to start after that but we still waiting!! im now back at home for a few days as mum going back to work tomorrow (today now!!) feeling down at mo and ive still had no real tears think we still in shock and as for all those firemen that were there on thursday it was overwhelming plus it was in the paper again at weekend with pic of guard of honour(another shock factor!!) Be thinking of you on thursday, love, hugs and lots of fp's teresa xxxxxxxx
my daer Teresa, thank you for your message, and i'm so sorry you are feeling low. Is there anything i can do sweetie to help you feel bit better? I wish i was there with you so i could give you a big hug but ive sent you one instead ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) there!!! i hope that has helped to make you feel a bit better? I'm sure when you have cried and it has all sunk in your start to gradually feel a bit better. You need to let it all out babe, it's ok to cry, it's not a sign of weakness it goes to show that you loved your dad very much, he was always there for you and he still is. Think of all the happy times you've had with your dad, how he used to be around you when you were young, all the funny things he did as you were growing up. He sounded a wonderful man and so loved by all that met him, that sure, it has left a gaping hole in your heart, but he will never be forgotten by all who knew and loved him! You should be proud that he was your dad cos you deserved a dad as loving as he was!! He was chosen to be your dad to love and protect you, and what a good job he did of that. Even though he was taken so young he did his best for you and will always be there for you forever! I'm so sorry if i'm not helping but i really believe your dad wouldn't want to see you so down. He'd want to know his little girl was happy and well, so let the tears flow babe then celebrate all the wonderful things your dad has done in his life instead of grieving over his death! i hope thats helping you to let it all out for you, but i'm also so very sorry if i have made you feel worse, and hope you can forgive me for that? I lost my dad 19 years ago to kidney failure so do understand what you are going through, but it does get easier to cope with and the pain does go, which i'm sure you have heard a million times babe, but it is true! I remember my dad now for the wonderful man he was and smile when i think of him. You will do the same one day i'm sure.
Well where on earth is angies baby got to???????? Is he/she that comfy and lazy that he/she wants to hang on in there forever? haha Probably arrive when he's/she's 18 years old!! mind i don't think angie would be too pleased about that, and it would probably sting a bit!! hahaha. Well please do let me know when he/she finally decides to make an appearence won't you? Well your never guess what? i went to bed at 11.30pm last night, earliest iv'e gone in ages and didn't wake up until 11.30am today!! i woke with a start as Darryl wasn't there, and when i went downstairs there he was still with that big grin on his face! He was sitting with kirsty counting the money out in our penny jar! we got £130 in there too!! no wonder there's no change anywhere we got it all here! hahaha. I will let you know how Darryls chemo goes on thursday, but we're not expecting any probs (well i got my fingers crossed anyway) Well babe hope you have a nice day today i'm here if you need me. hope to hear from you soon. Give angies belly a prod with a broom might wake him/her up!! haha hope to hear from you very soon love hugs and f.p. lots of love mel xxx
Ur a star and i mean that!!! ur message was lovely and did bring some tears only because your words were so kind, thankyou. So daryll has a penny jar too, so did dad, it was one of them old fashioned (large) whisky bottles and me and mum counted it on monday night, we had bets as to how much would be in it (none of us were no where close) £390!! and it was bloody heavy to move from cupboard understairs, i now have the bottle and have got about £12 in it, michaela asked if it could go in her room but me and mum know that if i said yes to that it would be a case of taking out and not putting in!! Angie is getting impatient now, think we all are, as we thought baby would be here by now but she still has till the 9th to go to. Dad was in the paper again today (3rd one - bless him) it started michaela off as (which was good in a way) as she needs to cry too, just seem hard that we never going to see him again and it still not been 3 weeks yet..getting emotional now. Im so pleased for you and daryll and please let me know how tomorrow goes, be thinking about you all, with much love, hugs and fp's teresa xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
ps Mel, didnt mean to sound selfish as if all me, me, wanted to say glad you got a good nights sleep and that daryll still grinning and hope that you are too!! xxxxxxx
my dear Teresa, When i sent my message to you yesterday, i must admit that it had been worrying me as to how you would react. I felt so guilty for sending it as i thought it would upset you and that i was being a bit cruel! I'm so pleased and relieved that it didn't have that effect and that it helped you as that was what it was meant to do! Ihope you are feeling a little better today, and it's good that Michaela has cried, bless her. So with your dad having a penny jar and darryl too now we definately know why there is no change left in the UK!!! Darryl has a demi john as a penny jar that he picked up with loads of other wine making equipment, at a boot fair for £1. what a bargein he said at the time, i can make lots of wine!! well the wine never came but the demi john came in handy! hahaha.Your dads £390 made ours look like loose change, which is what it was of course!! haha God i'm on form today must be all that sleep! haha. I don't think it's a good idea for Michaela to have the jar in her room either, i agree with your mum and you probably never get filled up! This baby of Angies deserves a good prod with a broom!! has her husband tried shouting up there for it to get it's little jiggy bum out of there!! Sorry that was a bit over the top wasn't it? I apologise for that.Bet you're well proud of your dad being in the paper again, bet he feels like a superstar now when he looks down!! Do you feel a bit famous now? Maybe you should wear a big badge saying he was your dad, you may get people asking for your autograph! haha See babe out of awful things that happen in our lives there is always something good that happens.(i'm sorry again). Have you managed that cry yet? i do hope so as you will feel better after but there's no need to feel guilty if you don't as we are all different, buti just worry if you bottle it up for too long one day it could really hit you in a bad way. But i'm sure with the love you have of your family you will be fine! Darryl has his last chemo today at 10.45, so i will let you know how that went when we come back. Well iv'e been waffleing again i hope you have a really good day today you take care hun love ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and lots of fp's love mel xxx
Thinking of you all lots 2day, U dont have to say sorry at any part of ur messages as they do lift me up, still no real cry yet though!!! Dad is prob looking down saying 'you bloody heartless sod!' And yes i feel very proud at dad being in 3 papers and when i see people buying them i felt like saying 'thats my dad!!' even mum felt that way when she went to sainsbury the other day, when the earthquake hit the other night i thought it was him and it s**t the life out of me and in the morning michaela said that she sat up in bed and called out grandad cos she too thought it was him then angie (20mile away from us) rang and said she thought it was dad, mum slept right through it!! Did you feel it? Onto the penny jars i thought a demi john was a kind of condom ha ha!! i know what you mean about out of bad comes good and i think it does you good (phaps thats why theres been no real tears yet - through all of this we have all still kept our humour, even when dad turned up at the house and we were in the cars and the man walked in front of dad michaela asked if he was walikng all the way to the crem (bless it was the 1st funeral she had been to) but it did make us laugh and then when we drove through the crem gates and the piper started up we had a bit of banter, that stopped when we saw the guard of honour, im waffling now but this so helps when im talikng to you - sorry!! Said to michaela last night about the penny bottle, its staying downstairs, its already a 3rd full with what we had before but no doubt it will be me that hits it before her!! Was on the phone to angie 10mins ago and she had a bad back pain so i told her not to panic as not much i could do over the phone, its james birthday today and mum convinced that baby would come on the same date so there a high possibility that today's the day, just hope it after 7pm as we going out for a meal for the birthday boy, seeing as the curry didnt work i think il slip some castor oil into her drink later on and as they say 'bobs ur uncle!' Let me know how daryll gets on today, tell him im sending lots of pennies for him to re-start refilling his demi-john again, sorry that makes me laugh, when we last saw dad we had to leave the room so they could fit a catheter and when they described it to me and mum they said 'its just like a large condom in a bowl' i said to michaela whatever u do when we go back into grandads room 'dont kick that bowl'!! god i hope i dont sound insensitive but i spose with us the humour has helped!! im diversifying again - sorry, love and hugs and lots of fp's to you all teresa xxxxxxxxxx
