Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Dear Mel, I should have been up earlier, I have a helecopter coming this morning and I have a few things to do first. so must dash. Isn't it always the way that you only oversleep when you shouldn't... Nice to know you have stopped singing.. Ha Ha. Now where's my flying jacket? Tell you all about it later
hello sheila, good to hear from you, but sorry you didn't have a good nights sleep. Thats the worste part of the day is night time isn't it? Just listening to our loved ones breathing and your mind going in overdrive! I hope you and Howard are having a good day today, and maybe you could have a rest when Howard does? Although, if you're like me, i feel quilty if i have a rest in the day when Darryl is, as always worried about something happening! I ended up taking our dog for a walk in the end as he kept looking at me with his puppy eyes, and made me feel so guilty as i haven't taken him for a walk for a couple of days, that i had to give in to him! Mind i was talking to myself when i took him out and got some funny looks from people but i don't care!! lol was just telling myself what i was going to do today! I find i do that alot recently and have even started telling my family when i'm going for a wee!!! I think it may be because i worry Darryl won't know where i am, so have to tell him, or maybe i'm just going a bit mad! LOL!! do you do this or is it just me??? Well hun i hope you have a good rest of the day and please let me know how things are going. I'm here if you ever need me hope to hear from you very soon love and hugs mel xxxx
dear charles, shame about the helecopter flight, bet you was very disappointed? Hopefully get better weather soon then you will have another chance. I thought the weather may have been a problem as been horrible here today too! I was going to look out for you with my binoculars too!! hahaha Hope you have a good sleep tonight sleep well hope to hear from you very soon love and hugs mel xxx
H mel, how are you and daryll and your son and daughter? are you up and in the wide awake club again because i am (as at home tonight) michaela is staying at mum and dads then im back there tomorow till mum goes back to work next wednesday (1st time since xmas)...didnt do fruit pastilles yesterday as had nervous indigestion so had several rennies, i panicked about panicking but i coped ok and still didnt have a cry - Dad had 3 guard of honours at 2 fire stations and then at the crematorium and over 300 people turned out plus 2 fire engines and the press!! Dad made me so proud in life and he still making me proud - yesterday was so overwhelming and I know Dad would have been so proud, Angie coped ok (ish) but we now think baby on its way any day now!!! love and hugs to you all teresa xxxxxxx
Hi Charles, hope you and yours are well, take care teresa xx And to sheila and amanda - thinking of you x
hi to anyone who is up, Im another carer who doesnt get any sleep... not because im anxious but because John is up an down every few mins and as he smokes I cant leave him, im beginging to lose track of the number of cigarette burns.
My Dad spent the last few days up and down for a ciggie and it was the most tiring time of my life. We were at the hospice and had to get him either outside or down to the smoke room. It makes me laugh now but gosh did it make me cry back then.
So just wanted to send you a (((((hug)))))) and hope John has a break from the fags ASAP so you can rest a little.
morning, yet again, thanks emx, Don't think its just the cigs now that john is wakening for. Think its just the aggitation that can come near to then end, so really cant be cross with him over it now. Have his boys here last night and thought that they could do a turn last night.... didnt work as they are in spare room and although john got up and i got one of the boys to sit with him while i went back to bed, he wouldnt settle anywhere... wanted to get up and go in lounge, as soon as he was there then wanted to go back to bed and so on and so on...
hi teresa, i'm so pleased to hear from you again! you're dad sounded like he was a dearly loved man and i bet you was proud too! all those firemen sounds like he will be missed by many, and the press there too, he must be a superstar!! lol I'm sure your tears will come in time babe, probabaly when everything has calmed down, but don't feel guilty about it as everyone id different, and you usually find at times like this that one family member stays strong for everyone else. I'm glad your dad is at peace now and free of pain and i bet he's watching over you all right now,probably thinking 'em look at all those fruit pastilles, are you going to eat all of them?' lol. Darryl continues to do well, and daley and kirsty are fine too. Darryl sees the onco on tues 26th plus has chest xray and bloods then, and on thursday the 28th he has his last session of chemo. Not sure whats happening after that but prob find out on tuesday when we see the onco. I will let you know how things go if you like? We had some good news here on thursday my neice kerry had a little boy! he weighed 6lb 7oz and she called him Harvey! so she beat Angie to it! lol He's really cute and has masses of dark hair. I hope you have a nice weekend with your family and hope to hear from you soon when you get back on wednesday. Take care babe still thinking of you love big ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) and fruit pastilles love mel xx
hi Gina, so nice to hear from you but sorry as to the circumstanses. Darryl my husband stopped smoking when he found out last sept that he had lung cancer but gradually over the last few weeks has started to have a puff of one now and again, and it breaks my heart everytime he does. But i suppose if it keeps him from getting so stressed and calms him down who am i to comment! I know how you feel about keep getting up with them though, as Darryl only has to move in bed and i'm wide awake then when he's settled down again then i'm wide awake! I usually end up staying downstairs so as not to disturb Darryl with my tossing and turning.lol does John still have any treatments? Darryl goes to see his onco on tues 26th then has his last session of chemo on thursday 28th, but not sure whats happening after. The onco has mentioned radiotherapy but i'm not sure if they are doing that once chemo has finished? Darryl's main tumour(small cell lung cancer) has also spread to his spine we found out about a month ago. I hope you don't mind me asking but has John had radiotherapy, and if he has what happens, and did he suffer any side effects? I hope you feel free to write on here anytime as i always reply to people and hope i can be of some support to you. I'm here anytime you want a chat or just a rant and rave! lol I hope you and John have a nice day today but i'm here if you need me. Take care love and hugs mel xxx
