Mums death overwhelming me

FormerMember
FormerMember
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Hi everyone 

I signed up here after googling being overwhelmed by my mums passing, and saw there were other people on here getting support. 
macmillan did support my mum and saw the nurses several times at the house. 
I guess I never really understood the whole impact of my mum having cancer, she first was diagnosed when I was probably 12 or so, she was mid 30’s. They didn’t really use the ‘C’ word around me.

she had breast cancer, and was in remission for two years until it returned and spread to her brain and lungs. And she had little time left, she passed, and not in an easy way. The whole thing was just a nightmare. She was 38, she went into hospital New Year’s Eve and she passed 17 days later in 2012. I was 15, my sister 21. 

she was in this... zombie state. For days. And she just looked so incredibly sad and pained and she wasn’t there anymore. She had been moved into a hospice just days before into a cold unfinished room, and unfortunately against her wish to pass at home due to the issues she was having with pain etc. 

her passing and my feels when I was 15 in a total different feeling to now at 24. Both of course horribly heartbreaking, but growing up and maturing and reliving it now at 24 is just a whole new pain. The crappy attitude I had towards her when I was sad and she was unwell, the times I hadn’t spent with her and our stupid boyfriends before her, the absolute guilt I have for just seeing her as ‘mum’ and not a woman with her own issues and feelings. There’s so so much guilt in me and these past few weeks with covid and lockdown and Christmas is making it almost unbelievably overwhelming that I am miserable. And there’s nothing I can do to tell her I’m sorry. I acted out sometimes when she struggled because I was putting up a barrier of pain. 

I had counselling luckily for free at school when it happened until around the time I left at 18, and I never really had it again. I feel like I’m reliving it. Her death, her pain, my pain, my families pain. I carry so much guilt and just heartbreak around all the time lately I don’t know how to handle it. 

she deserved so much better and I’ll never understand why this happened to her. 

If Anyone has any advice or similar stories please do share, I know the pain won’t go away but it’ll get easier, but just right now I’m struggling 

  • Hello Case

    I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings at this time, but pleased you have reached out to us here. I am sorry it has taken a little while for you to receive a response.

    https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved-family-and-friends-forum  this part of the site is specifically selected for people who want to come together, and discuss and support each other who are experiencing similar feelings

    The pain of grief goes much further than any of us can ever understand,  but together we can find ways of living with our experiences. 

    I am often on the site and happy to chat also.

    Take care of you

    Lowe'

    Call the helpline for free on 08088080000, 8am to 8pm everyday.
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