We Talk Brain Tumours

SWorthey

Thank you, it helps to know I'm not alone. I feel irrational and cross with myself. Also, rather childishly, I'd expected to have a few years of not looking after children nor elderly parents and feel robbed of that freedom. I really have had my head up my own bottom!!

Hope things continue to improve with your dad.xx

Denise

Thank you SO much for replying. It really does help me to try and understand how mum feels. Dad died four months ago and I'd love mum to join this forum as I know how much support this website has given me but she is wary of it.

Mum also says that decision making is the hardest and also finds herself wondering around the shops for hours on end. She always enjoyed her own company so I thought she'd be the same now but of course when it's endless it isn't quite so much fun.

Also, children recover and move on so quickly that they don't really get it that grandma is still grieving, it makes for some very difficult visits.

Keep going, love and strength to you.

Naomi.xx

Hi Naomi

Poor you. You are one of the people on this forum who would immediately jump to mind if I hear the word 'devoted'. It's obvious that you are such a rock to your family and they rely on you so much. Something you should be proud of but not something that brings satisfaction a lot of the time unfortunately.

As my own Mum became more frail the different ways she approached her children became much more obvious. With me she would talk about practical things and I'd help her with the banks, paying her rent, sorting her medical issues, speaking to her GP, Social Services, etc. I lived over 200 miles away and a lot of it could be sorted by phone. Although I did spend a ridiculous amount of time on the motorway. She was always calm, level headed and practical with me. She understood I had a family and respected that. The middle sister never came to visit so my Mum would call her with offers of money to try to persuade her to visit. Offered to pay her petrol, buy her lunch, give her money for things. It worked a lot of the time. But with the fourth sister she was an absolute nightmare. My sister lived close by, had no family and no job. My Mum ran this sister ragged. Calling her in the middle of the night and asking for all kinds of crazy things. My sister, being desperate to please her, would be all over the place running around even for stupid things like socks and slippers! So I was wondering whether your Mum reacted like that because she knows that you would beat yourself up and run to her aid asap. 

That sounds callous, I don't mean it to. I am not saying your Mum is as manipulative as mine. My mother was an absolute piece of work when it came to parenting. I have no doubt your Mum is going through an absolute nightmare right now. But my Mum always knew how to approach us to get the desired reaction, even in the middle of trauma. I can also see it in Tony's mother. She treats her two sons so differently. 

When my Dad passed away my Mum just said 'Good riddance'. The idea of her even acknowledging that we had just lost our father was completely alien. So I understand your frustration at not having your own grief acknowledged and supported. When we have times of emotional trauma it is instinct to turn to our parents for support and it's absolutely awful when that isn't possible. It just compounds the feelings of loneliness that are already there. 

If life as a widow is anything like life as a carer then your Mum is probably feeling different things on different days. Maybe the day she called you she was feeling like she didn't see you but that doesn't mean on other days she isn't relieved to be on her own. You've mentioned before how independent she is and how she likes her own company, as an independent person myself, the thought of people fussing over me is almost as awful as the prospect of being alone. You just can't win. Maybe it's just how she was feeling on that one day. I strongly suspect she's feeling a whole lot of other things since.

Am not sure what I'm trying to say here but just wanted to write and say my sympathies are with you in a situation where there is no right answer just lot of 'less wrong' ones.

With much love.

Pam

x

Thank you Pam. I understand exactly what you are trying to say and I appreciate it greatly.

My mum treats my sister and I very differently. I do seem to be the one she leans on whereas she seems to have more fun with my sister. I have a great deal of respect for my parents (had, for dad). I would never argue. If mum says jump then I will say "how high"? My sister has always been more outspoken and never agreed to do anything she didn't want to do. I just can't help it. There is a line and I will never cross it, even if it is to my detriment so perhaps I am just making a rod for my own back. My mum lost her own father when she was 17 and it suprises me that she is so unable to see how sad I am. I may be surrounded by people but that doesn't mean that I sometimes feel overwhelmingly lonely.

My husband gets cross with me as in fact we can't actually afford for me to keep running to mum (she is only 15 miles away but it all adds up) but she is still my mum and if she needs me, she needs me. I am going tomorrow and am prepared to be her battering ram. You are so right though, I can't win. Here's hoping today is just a bad day for her and tomorrow will be better. Ho hum, onwards and upwards hey.

I hope you and Tony are having a peaceful day.

With love,

Naomi.xx

I don't suppose it needs clarifying that I was always much closer to dad than I am to mum and when she was difficult in the past, he would step in and sort it out.

Time for me to grow up!

Naomi

My eldest sister lives in New Zealand! She emigrated when I was 3 and I didn't meet her again until I was 23 so it's a bit of a weird one. We've established a kind of sisterly thing but it's a bit forced if I'm honest. And occasionally she tries to do the 'big sister' thing which is frankly bizarre as I'm now 47. 

Her husband died of prostate cancer two years ago so it is a shame that out of all of my sisters she is the one so far away as she is the one who would most likely understand what we're going through now. Although, if the other three are anything to go by, I'd be wishing her back to New Zealand within about a week! Who am I kidding? A day!

To be honest, she was practically networking for a new husband at Ed's funeral. I know that sounds awful and I'm not judging her it's just that she has talked of practically nothing else since he died. She's been on so many dates and is so desperate to find another partner. She was married at 17 and has not been on her own since then. She is now 60 something (don't know exactly) and seems absolutely terrified of being on her own. I really hope she finds somebody soon, the guys she's dated so far all sound like a nightmare. I just hope and pray that I don't have the same reaction. I'd like to think I can be happy on my own. Lots of people are. 

My sister that is next in age is coming for the weekend and, frankly, I'm dreading it. As I mentioned earlier, we fell out over something and nothing and haven't spoken much for about six months, but if I'm honest it was as much a relief as anything that she decided to stop speaking to me. She is programmed to take every situation and make herself the victim in any of it. When I'm talking to the kids I always refer to her as 'poor little me'. And now that I've told her the end is coming soon, she's decided to step back in. Funny that eh? Presumably the opportunity to weep and wail at his funeral was just too much of an opportunity to miss. But I won't forget, not this time and I'll be happy to see the back of her for good once this is all done with.

Not sure why I'm writing this all down, just feel good getting it all off my chest. Thanks for listening. My family make The Adams Family look like the model of normality!

With love and strength to all who need it. 

Pam

x

I haven't posted for a long while, but I do read this forum most days.......My darling son, age 22, passed away on Monday from this awful illness.....He was diagnosed in October 2010, and underwent radiotherapy and chemo therapy......He was given the "all clear of cancer" in August 2011, and had surgery to remove the tumour in October......Biopsies were taken during surgery, but unfortunately, more cancer was found.....He had more chemo therapy, but nothing worked on the new tumour....a "pineal germ cell" tumour.....

He passed away peacefully at Southampton hospital on Monday evening.....He even waited for the last of his friends to arrive before he passed.....Within 10 minutes of ALL of his friends being in his room, Nathan passed peacefully.....

As I have been told, ........sometimes you cannot take the illness from the person, so they take the person from the illness....

Much love to all still on this train, and my sincere condolences who are now just riding it and watching the view

Dawn xx

Dawn . My heart goes out to you.  My husband was diagnosed in December 2010 and only had 7 terrible months .All through Mark's  illness I used to think" How could you cope if this was your child?".

At least you know that this beast of disease can harm him  no longer.

Many hugs and Love

Cathi xx

Dawn

Don't know what to say. This is the worst of the worst of the worst. Sending love and my thoughts are with you at this most awful time. For what that's worth.

Cathi is right. At least it can't hurt him anymore. And he was surrounded by friends and family right until the end.

Bless him and you.

Pam

x

Dawn, big hugs, love & strength to you, I really can't (and will never want to) know how you cope with the death of a child.  Two miscarriages were enough for me!

Peace be the journey Nathan.

Noami, after my grandfather died from throat cancer my Nan had two strokes.  It was like she didn't want to carry on, but she was as strong as an Ox and recovered fairly well.  Both my aunts had moved away from Loughton (one to Colchester & one to Norfolk) so my Mum & Dad did most things for Nan, inviting her round for dinner etc.  It never seemed enough (although she was always great to us grandkids, especially me as I was the first - bit spoilt truth be known) she always complained to my Mum that she never heard from her for days and yet if she got a phonecall from her youngest daughter, that's all she would go on about for days, June this, June that........but June was never around.  I never really understood it and thought she was a little unfair on Mum, but reading all the posts, perhaps she wasn't so different to any new widow.  

We moved her into a warden-controlled block of flats after her 2nd stroke and she made lots of new friends and started going on day trips and holidays with them (although she always complained that they were all old LOL) but it took a while.  My Aunt & Mum moved to Frinton some years later and got my Nan transferred to a new flat there, yet again all she would do is talk about the daughter she never saw like she was the best thing since sliced bread.  I think they learned to just ignore it and not take it personally.  Like you my Mum was closer to her Dad and strangely, I am closer to my Dad than my Mum, we really didn't get on well at all while I lived at home.  It's a lot better now, although she tries to compete with my brain tumour with her back problems, arthritis etc.  I kinda laugh it off.  My parents didn't even visit me in hospital after my brain surgery because Mum couldn't make the journey in the car from Frinton on Sea to Romford and back again.  Don't get me wrong, I love my Mum dearly but she is HARD WORK!

Families, shame we can't divorce them at times!

Love & Strength to all who want or need it xxx