Living with cancer when you are single and alone

Dear lucky99

i see from your profile you have multiple myeloma, which happens to be my specialist subject. I am fortunate that my husband of 36 years has been a rock for me, and I give thanks for that every day.

i think the best approach to meeting somebody is to put yourself in social situations that involve a variety of people where you can relax and be yourself, I wouldn’t focus too much on whether they have cancer or not. Women near your age aren’t necessarily looking for long term full on relationships and like you want someone with shared interests to do fun things together. They will have other commitments in their lives like grandchildren and girlfriends so often want someone who is flexible. As you say myeloma is a unpredictable disease and hard for people to understand so you can’t give any potential partner any guarantees, but as long as you are in remission you can lead a relatively normal life so you shouldn’t make too much of it with potential companions other than to say it’s chronic illness that’s treatable, most people over 60 have something going on health wise even though it may not be cancer. There’s a lid for every pot they say, all you have to do is put yourself in situations where the two can come together.

Hi lucky99

Do u have a local day hospice? Mine runs a group called Compassionate neighbours where ppl meet one to one but also meet up as a group once/ week. Age UK also have one to one meetings, where they match u with someone with similar interests. I'm also 63, so I know what u probably think of using Age UK  - we feel we're too young!- but it might be worth getting in touch with them?

Their advice line is 0800 6781602, open 8am to 7pm. Try them and ask about their befriending service.

Good luck!

Hi Jane, thanks very much for your reply.  You sound very positive like I did in the early days before I unfortunately became single and before I discovered that I had the very worst form of myeloma with cytogenetic abnormalities and poor prognosis.

I am not particularly outgoing and am not as confident as I used to be and I have found it really is tough socialising on my own.

Also perhaps I underplayed how much Myeloma now rules my life.  I currently commute to London two days a week for chemotherapy on a drugs trial which pretty much wipes me out the following day too.  Unlike most Myeloma patients who can lead a fairly normal life, In 3 and a half years I have relapsed from 5 different chemo treatments and a stem cell transplant and now only have 2 possible NICE approved treatments left which are only likely to give me 6 months max each.   I have been on permanent chemo for well over 2 years which has just about kept things in check but I would give absolutely anything in this world for any period of drug free remission and some normality but that is never going to happen for me.   Normal fit and healthy people just don’t understand this because I still look quite well and any potential partner would have to accept that I am damaged, have significant hospital commitments, am often not too active or well after chemo and definitely not get too attached to me because I can guarantee that I won’t be around for too much longer.   I think that’s a lot to ask of anyone.

I will however take your advice on board.  You make a lot of valid points and I can see how I have become a little insular and isolated ignoring the normal social scene whilst trying to find the holy grail of a meetup group for single cancer patients, it’s just that logic says there must be many thousands in my position but I can’t find any of them.   

Thanks again.

Hi Buttercup01,

Thanks very much for taking the time to reply and for your suggestions.    

All suggestions are gratefully received and I will investigate thanks.

Hi again lucky99

Have just read about an organisation which sends letters to ppl with cancer - 

frommetoyouletters co.uk

The idea is the person writing the letter writes about their life but not the cancer.

Might be worth contacting them?

There's a postal address ( PO. Box number ) too

Sue

Hi Lucky99.

It was nice to read your story as I am a single lady but very lucky to have some great friends although as kind as they are they don't really understand what I'm going through as I have aggressive malignant melanoma that has spread. I am a very strong person but even sometimes I have blips and feel very alone and a little scared. I'm having immunotherapy so get some side effects from that and get tired very quickly.

It would be nice for me to have contact with someone who understands what it's really like. I live just outside Norwich Norfolk. It would be nice to hear from you.