I really don’t want to be here. I guess none of you do. I don’t want a reply or sympathy or empathy. I just want to write and vent. My brother in law died, my ex husband died, my current husband was diagnosed with life limiting disease and then my bloody dog died. Just when I was contemplating what was worse my 36 year old daughter who has 2 very small children was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t know if I’m allowed to swear here…. But WTF! I’m a nurse practitioner for 46 years so I just know too much. The fear is visceral. Who can I talk to? I know, my best friend, oh …. that’s my daughter!
I can’t work out what is the worst thing about this. Is it watching my daughters fear. Is it watching her have brutal invasive surgery which will leave a scar that all can see. Is it worrying about my son in law and grandchildren. Is it listening to my lovely supportive kind friends and family who are trying their best but just say things that enrage me.Is it my employer who thinks I can just be at work through this although I’ve refused as I think I’m in no fit state to diagnose and treat patients. Is the fact that I think I’m actually losing my mind. Is the worry about phase 2 of treatment. Is it the people who tell me I have to be strong for my daughter FFS!!! Is it I wish it was me not her. Is it the deep down feeling that I must be a bad person to have been handed this.
No. I’ll tell you the worst thing. It’s the awful aching loneliness being the mother of that beautiful girl and only I can feel like this.
My love to you all out there and my sorrow for your loneliness xx
