Estranged from my dad during his advanced prostate cancer — struggling after his response

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some support around a very painful situation involving my dad, who has advanced prostate cancer, and a complicated family history.

I’m adopted, and while my relationship with my dad was difficult growing up, I had an incredibly close bond with my adoptive mum. She was everything to me. When she died of gallbladder cancer when I was 29, it devastated me. After she passed away, my dad and I actually grew closer — for a while it felt like we were finally healing old wounds.

But after my mum’s death, I also went into a very unstable period. I didn’t have the tools to cope with the grief or the sudden emptiness, and I spiralled. I turned to alcohol and some very unhealthy coping paths, and over time I ended up behaving in ways that didn’t reflect who I truly am. It all came from pain, not intention, but it caused damage. My dad found out about parts of it, and it shook him deeply. My sister was also affected by my actions, and I became estranged from her too. Around four years ago the tension reached a breaking point, and both relationships essentially collapsed.

Since then, I’ve worked hard to rebuild myself and take responsibility. I’ve reached out to my dad many times over the years — calmly and gently — hoping to repair things, but I was always shut down or ignored.

Recently, I tried once more, asking where we stood and whether there was any chance to rebuild. He replied very briefly to say he has advanced, incurable prostate cancer and has known for two years. I’ve now learned my siblings knew but were told not to tell me. I was the only one kept out of the loop.

After speaking with my brother, I sent one more gentle message, but my dad responded quite harshly and asked me not to reply again. It felt like the final door closing.

I’m grateful for the financial help he’s given me over the years, but right now I’m trying to process the emotional shock, the secrecy, the estrangement, and the grief. Someone on the Macmillan helpline described it as feeling like “a grenade being thrown into the room,” and that’s exactly how it feels.

My body is reacting too — sore throat, exhaustion — which I think is stress.

I’m not angry at him. I just feel overwhelmed and unsure how to cope with this “living grief” — grieving someone who is still alive but emotionally unreachable.

If anyone has experienced something similar, I’d really appreciate any guidance or just knowing I’m not alone.

Thank you for reading.