Friend, over reacting? or do previous deaths all add up....and accumulate grief.....

Your friend would not want you to be depressed, I know I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, and If I had died I would have hated my dearest friend of 40 years to be depressed.  It sounds as though you have had an awful time with many deaths of family members.  It must be so hard to lose your Mum and Dad, and also your brother, but they would say to you "Please live life to the full, just because we are gone, we want you to be happy and live a good life".  You are not over reacting, of course you will feel so sad when your lovely friend dies, but she also would say the same "Life goes on, so please make the most of it".  There is a point in life, the point in life is loving, and that means forgetting about ourselves, and loving others.  I now volunteer at my local hospice, and by forgetting about me, and putting others first has made life so worthwhile.  I know life is not easy, it is so hard at time, we all go through bad times, but be strong, you will get there. xx

Thank you. I'm feeling very sad at the moment so I guess I need to differentiate somehow between depression and sadness. But life sucks sometimes. Thank you for your response.

hi Megg108bfd6f2 

Welcome to our community, I hope you find it both informative and supportive.

I am Steve, one of our community champions and my experience of cancer is via my wife who has Leiomyosarcoma. For the last 10 years after two rounds of chemotherapy her cancer is stable so we got to living with cancer rather than anything else - with help!

Sometimes I know I have thought I have dealt with something in the past only for something to trigger me in the future. When my father died it took a while before I could cope with hearing bagpipe music without getting sad. 2013 was not much fun for us a lost both mum and dad, my mums only sister and my wife's uncle. In the middle of that year my nephew got married - four funerals and a wedding - seems like we did something wrong.

Something I found quite helpful on here is your feelings when someone has cancer as I found being able to recognize these emotions and accept them as normal and valid helped to stop me finding them overwhelming. Perhaps if others cannot understand your feelings for such a long friendship then that really is their problem.

I did a living with less stress course that really helped me. Living life in the here and now rather than worrying about a future I could not control can be very positive. The conscious breathing techniques we were taught are also helpful when life decides it is time to throw another curveball but also in helping me relax and get some sleep. 

Do feel free to post whenever, you will almost certainly end up touching someone in a similar position who might never summon up the courage to post.

<<hugs>>

Steve

I like that idea - the feelings are valid and normal - I don't have to explain myself to anyone.  I am now feeling selfish because (I know this is wrong) I started sharing this news with other friends - and she is not happy that I did this - and when I thought about it I realised I did it because I felt I could not bear the burden alone. I now feel like I need to reign it in, not discuss it and not leak my feelings everywhere. I've observed that many people who feel grief etc do not discuss it, and it seems a badge of honour if noone knows you are suffering - but I think this is only one way to deal with things - and for me, talking about it feels essential. I guess I'm thinking about work when i say this, not friends etc  - they (work)  want efficiency.  

All in all, I'm in a state of confusion. Thank you for commenting - very helpful

Hi Megg108bfd6f2 

When I started talking about my wife's cancer at work there were a few people who found it really difficult, quite a few others said they felt I was inspirational. There were also quite a few who would open up to me about their own cancer experiences, something they had never felt able to do before. 

Talking about cancer can be difficult, we have a guide here talking about cancer that might help. I know before my wife's diagnosis I really struggled dealing with all this - great that Macmillan give us this opportunity to talk with others who understand because of what we share.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi,

I’m really sorry to hear about your friend, a friend may not be a biological relative but a 30 year friendship is significant and I don’t think anyone would be surprised that such news about a dear friend would cause  sadness and grief. I think it’s important to understand your feelings and emotions are valid esp when it brings up previous traumas and grief (which I’m also very sorry to hear about) 

I’ve been experiencing anticipatory grief for the last few months after my mum was diagnosed with advanced cancer. What has helped me is accepting and acknowledging those feelings. There were days where I was deep in a state of anguish when I found out but I think it was important for me to feel those feelings cause they are very real feelings and grief, anticipatory or otherwise is one of the deepest emotions we can feel. It is love itself. The sadness you feel is simply the love you feel for your friend. Understanding that my grief is love has helped me to make space for those feelings as difficult as they are. 

If reading helps, I’d recommend It’s OK you’re not OK by Megan Devine. Although she writes in the perspective of someone who has experienced a sudden loss rather than someone who is anticipating a potential loss, I could relate to a lot of the feelings she expressed and it helped me to be able to understand and accept what I was feeling as well as some strategies to cope without trying to push the feelings away (as society often expects us to in the face of grief) 

I’ve also found professional therapy helpful and leaning into friends / family. Talking can be very helpful, it doesn’t make the feelings go away but it gives you somewhere to let them out which can help in processing. Even what you’re doing in speaking about your feelings here among others who are experiencing similar things is good and means you’re feeling them & talking about them. The MacMillan support line is also another good place to go if you need someone to speak to. I found myself leaning heavily into that support when I found out about my mum’s diagnosis. They are there to listen and I spent many times simply crying to them and they’d listen and offer kind words. 

I’m still feeling anticipatory grief but the shock has subsided compared to first couple of months and I am able to function better than when I found out. My mum is currently going through treatment and is more stable which has helped things but continuing with therapy and talking about my feelings to my loved ones as well as engaging with online support forums where there are others experiencing similar things continues to help.  

I wish you and your friend all the very best xx 

Our feelings are the sum of our experiences. So your feelings are completely understandable when you've been faced with so much grief and with cancer being a common thread.