cancer shock - after 3 years clear, husband's lung cancer now in lymph nodes

Hi greyhoundsrule  

In the early days of my wife's illness I though I was coping and then everything decided to get on top of me and I found I needed some help. I walked in to the local Maggies and told my story - mostly through the tears. They helped me form a short term plan and helped me realised that the only thing that I could get some relief from was my work - my GP was so helpful and signed me off. That time helped me get back on a bit more of a level but also helped me realise that I needed help if I was going to be of use to anyone - especially my wife.

We only have the one son, he is also autistic but we were really lucky in his schools have been really supportive. 

Something quite common in peoples cancer journey is something called anticipatory grief - I get that where we grieve for the life we thought we would have, there is quite an interesting article on that here.

When I have talked about our cancer journey I have found many others in a similar situation some of whom had felt like outsiders, there are a lot of us out here and I found out how much even just posting on here can help me feel more connected.

<<hugs>>

Steve

hi sfc60

this is my husbands 3rd bout with cancer and its hard not to feel as if life hates you ,,,i found it hard  as you have to plan your life round appointments and treatments..but i broke down mentally a few weeks ago and took time off work to try and process everything ..i realised that although my daughter is a great help i cant burden her with my emotions and feelings as they are personal to me 

she suggested i signed up on here if only somewhere to chat with others going through the same process.. it helps to feel im not the only one trying to cope.

its dealing with the frustration of feeling like your expected to cope with all that comes with cancer but also being made aware that you are not the one with cancer...i got overprotective with my husband which upset him and caused stress  until i realised that he didnt how to cope either ..so we talked and now we are doing what we can to live our life as fully as we can ..

im trying to find ways to be supportive but also to have something away from cancer for me alone ..gardens going to look great this year 

biggest problem i had was the sense that why should i bother until i realised that life is worth living albeit a bit limited and that was when i realised that talking helps more than anyone knows..being able to talk through how i feel without feeling guilty that im imposing on anyone is a huge relief and less of a burden 

im still finding it hard to cope but it doesnt seem so heavy if that makes sense..

There is the old saying of a trouble shared is a trouble halved so you are making a lot of sense.

Something I quite like is from the Bill Withers song

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

<<hugs>>

Steve

1. I feel the same I can’t find the balance between support and your own needs which really does affect your mental health it’s very hard I’m trying to take things one day at a time I have just joined this group for support I hope you get the support you need 

its like a roller coaster at the moment ..part of me feels angry that im supposed to provide support and understanding when i dont know whats going on..my husband is of the dont talk about it or get emotional and thats hard for me but thats just the way he is ,,,i came down with a cold the other day and told him that everyone was tap dancing on my last nerve including him because he looked helpless !!!...i know that was mean of me and i did feel guilty about it but then i went to work and everyone was annoying so i guess it was me that was feeling ugh! ...he has his second immunotherapy treatment tomorrow and hopefully some of the symptoms hes been suffering with will improve ...,,the mental health part is a constant struggle as sometimes i could just cry ..sometimes i hate people and sometimes i feel guilty because im not the one with cancer ,,but im learning to cope slowly..making time for what i need ..whether its playing music or being in my garden or just doing things that make me happy...getting good at swearing too although thats not something to boast about really !...being on here helps and knowing that other people are facing the same struggle also helps,,,

its a battle but finding pleasure in little things of my own helps a lot 

i hope you get the support you need as well