My mum and I had an argument recently where she lost it and screamed at me that I’m never at home - I live about 45 minutes away in a flat, where I run my business with my partner and have three cats and a generally busy normal life. I try to come out and stay as much as I can but I also struggle with anxiety which can make waking up somewhere else a bit scary and I end up feeling like I’m ill (nausea, headache etc). Ive recently switched my anxiety medication which makes things a bit easier but im still finding my way.
my mum told me last night that she thinks i make everything about me. I’m really struggling with this as it’s one of my biggest fears and anxieties - I try really hard to take myself away when I feel anxious and I think this can sometimes be seen as being selfish. I can’t help it, in fight or flight and I am 100% flight. She also said I’m never here because I can’t handle it. I feel that this was something she’s been thinking for a while. I don’t know what else to do other than come out when I can, which has been a lot recently since it’s the festive season. My two sisters still live at home, and I think automatically they see more of her bad moments than I do and somehow I feel guilty for not having to live through those right in front of my mum.
i think about my mum’s cancer all the time, and she is in a lot of pain right now so i think about that too. She thinks I don’t - and to an extent I don’t want her to see my worry so that she doesn’t worry about me. However she also said that everyone is frightened to tell me the truth about how I am, except her.
I’ve ended up feeling extremely unwanted but yet forced to stay here and I don’t know how to feel. How can I stay with her when she thinks I’m a selfish, self centred daughter and still feel wanted? Is it selfish of me to even want to feel like I’m wanted here? I’m doubting everything about my life and how I operate it. I hate thinking that people think I’m selfish - is that selfish in itself?
My mum is in a lot of pain just now due to her cancer. I’m extremely aware of it but she thinks I don’t care.
I’ve got a flat, a car, my own business and three cats and I’m 24 years old. Now I'm thinking I shouldn’t be proud of my achievements because none of it means anything if my mum thinks all of this about me. I’m stuck between living my life and wanting to be there for my mum. It’s not my fault that my sisters still live at home, but it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong here. Maybe I should never have moved into my own flat?
