Hi
I was diagnosed in June 2024 with stage 3 bowel cancer which had spread to my liver and stomach lymph nodes. Chemo treatment began in August and I recently received very positive news after a scan that all is going in the right direction. The next step is to continue up until my 12th treatment end January and to have another scan then to see what happens next.
I'm feeling good about this and am so grateful to the Christie team for their expertise and care for me. But more importantly I'm so thankful to have a loving partner who has stepped into the role of making life easy for me, household stuff, rearrange his freelance work to fit round my appointments (he's been there for every one). Things aren't always easy but most days are good.
My problem is me. My partner couldn't do more for me - we've been together for over 30 years and have planned to get married as the cancer has changed our outlook on life so much and has reminded us to get on and live life to the full.
And yet I've literally managed to unravel everything today after another very positive consultation.
Over the last couple of weeks I 
was getting anxious about some minor side effects (and they WERE minor) - my partner was really supportive. However I got it into my head that I was being irritating, not that he said anything to criticise me, but he seemed to be irritated by other things, so much so that it felt like he was commenting on everything negatively and I didn't seem to be able to say anything to help or take him out of it. As I thought I understood where it was coming from I left things until today. My partner is/was meant to be going out to a freelance artists' works do but because I mentioned a cough that I had at my consultation he changed his mind. Again I seemed powerless to dissuade him - I don't want our life to revolve just round me and want him to go but he's adamant. Then he follows this up with the fact that this could cost him future work. I felt annoyed and brought up my feelings about this and then, when he didn't 'get' what I meant, I went further trying to describe other similar recent moments.
I've hurt him deeply, I've inadvertently made him feel that he's been useless all along and the more I try to explain, the deeper the hole I've dug. I don't know if I can make things better - I really want to. I know he loves me and I love him - we've been through so much and have a loving, supportive relationship.
My partner has asked that we just draw a line under things for now but I know he's terribly hurt and says he just doesn't get where this has all come from. I'm beginning to question myself now and wished I hadn't said anything
Has anyone been through anything similar? I'm worried I've wounded our relationship badly.
Hi SallyB57
Sorry to read about what you both have been going through. It is very often easy to think badly over things we go through especially when our emotions are all over the place dealing with cancer. I know it sometimes seemed Janice was trying to push me away when from her view she was trying to help me look after myself - sometimes it can be easy to overlook ourselves when we are caring.
It was really good to share on here and also I made use of the helpline. Together our relationship is probably stronger that ever but it has not always been easy.
<<hugs>>
Steve
