Hi folks,
Not sure what to do anymore and so thought I'd post here for some advice.
Back in July, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. While the diagnosis itself is difficult, it's been even harder to manage when she is an emotionally manipulative parent.
I'd just gotten to a stage where I'd set boundaries with her, but it's been difficult to manage that since her diagnosis and now treatment. I've also been feeling extremely guilty for not caring more. I live 4+ hours from my family home and rarely visit aside from christmas, and it's been an extra weight on me for choosing to not go home and 'help' as much as my other siblings have. Going home causes so much anxiety and stress for me, and I feel guilty for not helping as much as my siblings (despite their own bad relationship with my mum) and for choosing my own feelings over that of my mother's.
Recently, an incident happened between my siblings and mother, which has led to my older sibling cutting off contact with my mother. I'm now having to deal with my older sibling (rightly) hurt and upset by my mother's behaviour, while also having to deal with my mother calling me crying saying she's done absolutely nothing wrong and doesn't understand what to do. I'm just so at a loss about how to handle my mother, when it's impossible trying to explain to her the reasons for why she's wrong without her then turning against me, when we're at a point where our own relationship is currently okay.
When looking for support for a parent with cancer, it's usually always talking about the grief and pain, when I feel so guilty for not experiencing that due to the emotionally manipulative behaviour of my mother. Additionally, advice about dealing with an emotionally manipulative parent don't often account for when they're ill, and I've just got this added anxiety of not knowing how to navigate this relationship, especially when my mum calls me crying about the relationship breakdown with my sibling. I'm just at a loss about how to move forward.
I've made a self referral to local counselling and just awaiting a confirmation, but any advice in the meantime would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Hi FrankT
Welcome to our community though it is perhaps a club nobody really wanted to join it can be very helpful.
That does sound a very difficult situation. Even without the emotionally manipulative bit many with a loved one with cancer talk about feeling guilty and I cannot really say how I might deal with that.
My parents also lived a similar distance away and when they were ill I was quite lucky in that I always had one sibling or another who took on most of the care. My dad tended to support in this though as he pointed out I had my own life.
I hope you get to speak to your councillor soon but in the meatime do remember if you want to talk to someone that the helpline is open 8am to 8pm on 0808 808 0000 they are really good and I have certainly cried at them in the past.
<<hugs>>
Steve
