My dad got diagnosed with stage four lung cancer two years ago in May. Christmas is special and I should be thankful considering he is still here to celebrate Christmas with me whilst others don’t get to have this time with their parents. Am I selfish to be sad?
All I can think about is if this is going to be his last Christmas or not. It’s upsetting, I’ve enjoyed a lovely day with my family but now that I’m alone in my room it’s all I can think about. I would think otherwise if it hadn’t spread to his lymph nodes, liver and bones but I can’t help but to be thinking negatively. People around me tell me to be positive but it’s so hard to have hope/think positively. Is that bad?
We are having his CT scan results on the 29th of this month to see if the cancer has spread more after the last few months of him getting double chemo doses in one day. I have a gut feeling it’s not going to be good news as that’s all we have had. Cancer is such a horrible thing, am I also selfish in thinking I wish it was something else? Something that would’ve put his pain at ease quicker? Rather than having it drag out like this? Maybe I’m being stupid but I can’t help but just sit here and want to cry. It’s hard. I’m not selfish/being stupid, am I?
Hi Molly123
So sorry to read about your dad and have to agree you are not being selfish. As for crying - I tended to do that in the shower - after all I could always say I got soap in my eye.
If we look at your feelings when someone has cancer we can see how normal we are - if anything about this horrible disease can be called normal anyway.
If only I had a pound for every time I have seen the message about being positive - people are trying but for many the subject of cancer is one they might not want to face - even when they have cancer in their own families. I am so very thankful we have the community because somehow this special family just gets it.
<<hugs>>
Steve
You are not being selfish or stupid at ALL. Your feelings are absolutely valid, whether they are deemed positive/negative/acceptable/non-acceptable from a societal point of view. On this point, no-one has a right to judge your feelings or your choices as no one has walked in your exact shoes. I think it's quite easy if you are an overthinker, to imagine what people would think of your feelings/choices you make but actually, it's no-one else's business besides yours.
I'm also finding at the minute that when I see my Dad feeling happy, a sadness washes over me because I feel as if that moment would last forever (and I know it won't be for very much longer). I only tell you this because I hope you feel a bit more compassion/less guilt for yourself hearing that somebody else feels similar to you. Happiness/sadness are so entwined more than we tend to believe I think. It reminds me of that idea of anticipatory grief- grief starts at the beginning of a cancer diagnosis really. You are grieving for the future you thought you had with the person effected and you grieve wondering how many more of 'those moments' you will share together.
I really resonate with your comment about how it's tricky to just adopt a positive mindset. I think the feelings you are describing can be really insular feelings sometimes. From a personal experience, I have found myself not even telling some friends how I feel as I don't want another person to try and find the good in the situation/tell me I can only appreciate the good times when they come/etc as it's quite draining. Sometimes I just want to be able to vent without having it try and be turned into a 'positive' thing. In all honesty, you shouldn't have to feel thankful/positive because in reality, what is happening is truly an awful thing. And I think to be told this, reinforces the idea that 'negative' feelings aren't valid, when they really are.
I'm so sorry I've rambled so much, I hope my points have across!! I'm truly sending you love and go easy on yourself also 
