Hi all, thank you to those who replied to my first post about my best friend who is battling bladder cancer. Things have deterioriated since her diagnosis earlier this year, she was orginally given a very clear treatment path of several months of pre-surgical chemotherapy, surgery in early Nov, and recuperation. On that schedule we expected she would be getting out of bed around now and beginning recovery.
That all fell apart 3 days before her surgery date when the surgeon revised his opinion that her cancer was operable. The chemo had caused her considerable debility but had not reduced the tumour sufficiently.
By that time she was still able to walk with a stick, get outside the house and manage the stairs, and it was proposed she should have radiotherapy. Before that was possible she was treated with Fentanyl patches with liquid opium additionally when needed. The radiotherapy was given in 5 treatments on consecutive days in November, it had a dramatic effect in that she was no longer able to get up out of her chair or walk unaided, and couldn't manage the stairs.
That was 3 weeks ago and she has since been confined to her bedroom. A carer visits each morning to help her get up, wash and dress, and she spends the rest of the day in her chair in the same room. She is quite withdrawn and not very communicative, which I don't find surprising given the nature of her pain medication. I visit at least once a week and have not seen any improvement in her mental or physical condition.
I am confused that there does not seem to be any clear ongoing treatment plan, she has been given steroids to 'give her energy'. She is visited weekly by a nurse. I have tried to ask her husband whether he has been told her prognosis or treatment intentions, he says he 'doesn't want to know'. He becomes very emotional and tearful.
This is difficult for me as I am unsure how to try to help if I don't know what her future is likely to hold. For example, she isn't keen on moving from her chair while her husband is insistent she should get up 'for exercise'. If there is any chance she is going to recover then I would support this, but if not, I feel it would be kinder to leave her where she is most comfortable. It is causing friction between them and I am in the crossfire!
My natural instinct is not to interfere between married partners, it's their house and their lives, but it is breaking my heart watching my friend continually getting worse and want to do anything I can to give her any sort of comfort.
Tomorrow I will be helping her husband in the kitchen, usually she is the cook and has given me Christmas Day for the last 32 years, and I can peel sprouts as well as anyone. But after tomorrow, the inner conflict will continue. Do I stand back and let her miss out on things I think she would enjoy, and risk going against her husband's veto that it's unnecessary/undesirable, or should I be more assertive?
Example: they have never allowed their dog upstairs, it is devoted to her and is spending 23 hours a day alone in their kitchen. Up till last month, when she was able to get downstairs, the dog curled up at her feet and was no trouble at all. I asked her last week if she'd like to see the dog, she said yes. When I mentioned that to her husband he said she 'didn't want it running up & down the stairs' and it would be overwhelming, jumping all over her. My idea would be for me to put the dog on a lead and take it up so I could control it and stop it jumping on her. I am wondering if I should ask her again tomorrow, while her husband is present, and if she again says yes, just do it. It's unlikely he would object if she has given an affirmative answer, but I don't like feeling that I am 'refereeing' between them.
Thank you to anyone who has read this far, and I am grateful for all advice. She is very dear to me. I am dreading tomorrow's forced 'normality' (husband's insistence).
