I am the husband of a women who was diagnosed some fifteen years ago with a hormone receptive cancer. She lost her sex drive during treatment and with the hormone suppressants for ten years after. I dutifully supported her and waited patiently.
After ten years, the tablets stopped but her sex drive didn’t return. Attempts to discuss it have been met with “Don’t be selfish”. I know marriage is a sacred vow but I never expected to have to live like a monk.
Tempted to ‘play away’ but never been that good with women (and I’ve always been fussy) so haven’t found any willing partners to date.
Really not sure how to deal with this as I am definitely turning into a grumpy old man.
Hi Hungry Hedgehog,
Welcome to the Online Community. I hope you'll find it to be a safe and welcoming place to share your thoughts and feelings with others. My name is Matthew, and I work as part of the Online Community Team. We're the team who work on supporting our Online Community to make sure it stays safe and working well.
I hope you don't mind my posting on your thread, but I just wanted to make sure you were aware of the information we have regarding the impacts of cancer on sex. It may be helpful for seeing if there are any additional ways you can talk to your wife about the impact this is having on you. The guide is only a starting point, and I appreciate you may have thought of the issues covered already. I just didn't want you to miss it if you'd not seen it.
I can also recommend contacting Relate – the relationship support charity. Although very difficult, perhaps having some honest and open dialogue together with a trained third party will help you to explore whether there are constructive and healthy ways forward.
It may be that you have to examine the future of your relationship, and that is of course very challenging. But I think it's generally understood that it is always more healthy to arrive at difficult decisions together, rather than potentially causing a great deal of distress by taking action without your spouse's knowledge.
If you're not sure what to do and you need to talk about how you're feeling in a more one-to-one setting, don't forget about our Macmillan Support Line teams. They're available from 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week, on freephone 0808 808 00 00, by email, or via live webchat.
I hope the above information is useful, and that you'll be able to work together for a positive outcome. Remember, Hungry Hedgehog - Macmillan will be there to listen, so you don't have to navigate this difficult time alone.
All the best,
Matthew
Macmillan Online Community Team
