I don’t know how to help

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Hi all, I’m very new to this group and really needed an anonymous outlet for how I’m feeling. 

My darling friend from school was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and was told it was stage 4. He got treatment and nearing the end of last year was nearly told he was cancer free, then it all came back again and he’s been told there’s nothing that can be done and is now dying.

He’s only young, we’re in our early 20s and I’m finding it really hard to cope with the news. I want to chat about this anonymously because I don’t want to feel selfish for making this about me. I don’t live near him anymore so when I come home I will try to see them but I genuinely just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to support my friend, I don’t know how to cope with the grief I know I’ll feel, and it’s taking over my every day. I can’t focus on life, work or anything and I find myself constantly forgetting things and losing focus because I’m thinking and worrying about my friend. I really don’t want them to be in pain, and I wish I could do something to make him feel better. I feel utterly hopeless. 

Has anyone got any advice or just a friendly ear? The past year has been a lot to carry on my shoulders and this news has just made everything seem unbearable. Thank you 

  • Hi

    So sorry to read about your friend - and especially the impact it is having on you. He is lucky to have you as a friend but you recognize your own limits and that is really good, many on here often talk of feeling selfish but that is really far from the truth.

    What I think may be best for you might be to ring the helpline 0808 808 0000 open 7 days a week from 8am to 8pm as they can offer a listening ear and more immediate support.

    <<hugs>>

    Steve

    Community Champion Badge

  • Hi Dragonfruitpear.

    im very sorry to hear about your friend, Cancer is so cruel and when it targets young people it’s very hard to accept.

    There are two valuable points to note here. Cancer doesn’t just affect those with the diagnosis, it spreads out far and wide and can affect everyone in its path. It mutes conversation, clouds the ability to interact, frightens, and exhausts people and that is those without the disease……

    You obviously care a great deal about your friend, but this is as much about you as him. His diagnosis has floored you, and let’s not underplay this, it’s devastating  news, and it’s had a massive impact on you. 
    You need to process this news in your time. And theirs no timetable for that.

    Your friend will need those who care about him in his life, so if you can’t visit , maybe call him, or write or send a FaceTime chat….He Will know that this news will be hard for friends and families to understand or accept, but he too is processing earth moving news……he may not ask for help, but trust me he would want it……

    Just be yourself, when you visit talk about the commonalties you share, if you find it upsetting just hold his hand, your tears will help him know he’s loved….You have more to offer your friend than you know, and being hear screams out to me you want to be there for him.

    just take good care of yourself, do not bottle it all up, Grief is the human resolution to loss and pain, it’s a process to go through, with no manual, no pass or fail result at the end. Just survival that is the end process of grief…..

    cherish these last few weeks or months, you are helping him prepare for his next journey, and you will do a wonderful, job of this I’m 100% sure.

    plus cake or whatever you turn to when your low is what’s called for, 

    be kind to yourself

    regards

    Take care of YOU
    D