We received a difficult cancer diagnosis in the family a few months ago. My dad in law has stage 4 cancer and whilst they are able to offer treatment to prolong life, the prognosis isn’t looking great. He is on his own so my partner have been living with him on and off to support him mentally and physically whilst he’s been having chemo.
Something I am really struggling with is I feel like none of my friends are offering any form of support. In fact, whenever I see them it feels like this horrible elephant in the room where they feel too awkward to bring it up, so even when we are going through particularly dark days, we just have to pretend it’s not happening. Even if we try and bring it up (nothing too heavy, just a brief update on how the treatment is going), they just get all uncomfortable and move the topic of conversation on. The few friends that do ask only ever ask how the patient or my partner is doing and never me, as if it’s difficult to comprehend that this affects me too! When we broke the news to friends everyone was quick to say “let me know if you need anything” whereas I feel like shouting well where are you all now!
Has anyone else experienced similar and has any advice they can please share? I understand it’s difficult for them to know what to say, particularly as we are quite young (late twenties) so most friends haven’t experienced similar, but I feel like just one friend asking me how I am doing would make a huge difference and it’s so frustrating that they don’t
Hi Lesley20, so sorry to hear you've had bad news about your dad-in-law and that your friends aren't being as supportive as you'd hoped.
I can only go by own experience with my husband's cancer journey but I can relate to where you are coming from completely.
My other half received a terminal diagnosis last Sept and initially my phone would light up like a Christmas tree with messages from both my friends and his friends every day. As you say everyone is offering support, saying they'll meet you for coffee to give you a break blah blah blah...then the messages dwindled away to nothing. My daughter who is 21 has experienced the same with her friends too. I think at the heart of it, folk want to say something but don't know what to say as they don't want to upset you and, in the end, they say nothing without realising that that hurts just as much. Unless they've been through a similar experience, they probably don't realise how emotionally draining it is on you too, especially if you are displaying how well you are coping in front of them.
Be reassured that it's highly unlikely that they are intentionally hurting you. If they knew how you felt, they may behave differently. Do you have one or two close friends you can confide in? I've been lucky in that 3 or 4 of my friends have stayed close. There's two of them that I would trust with my soul and can vent to them safe in the knowledge that they understand. They do check up on me regularly. If I could share them with you I would because it sounds as if you need your version of them.
This forum is also a good place to find an understanding ear. We're all in the same boat.
So, all of that said, how are you doing? 
Stay strong. Stay safe.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
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