Its always been just me, 24, my younger brother, 22 and my mom, 50. We have had our ups and downs as all families do, however recently I feel like I'm drowning. It's been 2 years since my mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. Within the 2 years, she didn't really get along with any treatment. Chemo really knocked her around a lot, as it does with most fighters (I don't like to call cancer patients, cancer patients). I always remember having to shave her head and I just burst to tears. My mom then had a full mastectomy and reconstruction. However that didn't go to plan, as it turned out the cancer grew and spread to the lymphs. My mom then had to go through surgery to removed the lymphs and remove the new breasts. This left her completed butchered. The left side of her chest is now concave and the doctors have left what I can only describe as hanging skin on the right side. It kills me inside knowing that she can't look at herself in the mirror, she hates everything about herself.
As it travelled to the lymphs, it turned out the cancer spread to her back, where she now has 2 tumours growing on the spine, which cause her a hell of pain. The doctors have placed her under palliative care. They gave her radiotherapy to try and shrink the tumours, but she needed to take steroids to have the treatment. The steroids have caused her joints to rot and she needs to have a full hip replacement, and shoulders replaced.
Every now and again she gets rushed into hospital due to infections or pain and I just feel the nurses and doctors don't care. I know there is pressure on the NHS but I just feel like my mom is some sort of guinea pig for them.
I feel helpless, like I can't do anything to help her. I see her and phone her every day and she just isn't getting better. She has good days and some really bad days. I want to take her away somewhere for the weekend, but she can't deal with the travelling. My mom was someone who loved travelling. I can see how upset she is, no longer has her independence and has to rely on everyone else.
I don't know what to do anymore. Me and my brother are doing the best we can, but we always feel like there must be something else we can do to help. Ive been against these support groups, always thinking I'm strong enough to do this by myself. I never speak about how I feel, I always keep it bottled up.
Sounds daft but I always think about the future, is my mom going to be there to see her grandchildren or see me get married etc. Why do I feel like I'm grieving for someone who hasn't left this earth yet? Im so scared, I'm angry majority of the time. Always asking why is my mom going through this?
