Feeling sad but try not to show it

Hi @mum247,

Welcome to our community though sorry to hear about your husband.

I wish I could say your experience was in any way unusual but history talk me otherwise. Cancer can be almost a forbidden topic and due to the discomfort people will often engage with "positive avoidance".

Our definition of small talk on here often does include how low we might feel on a particular day. I ended up doing a living with less stress course - I learnt I was trying to work out how would I cope without my wife and it was blocking me enjoying our time together. Breathing exercises helped me cope when life thorough an extra wobble in to the equation I had not expected.

One thing cancer did help between my wife and I was I have more understanding about when Janice just wants to talk about things. It is perhaps a common element of some relationships where we can feel we are being asked to fix something.

A useful book I found that perhaps helps is "The Secret C", and of course on here we have Supporting a family member with cancer.

Hopefully your older children will be in touch with student support services at Uni, that can be very helpful in making sure they get support too and that might help you feel a little better that then have the help they need.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you Steve,  iv been feeling guilty for thinking the way I have .releived to know I'm not alone 

Jo

Hi mum247... I'm very new to all this and bit of a techno phone... You are not alone and when cancer was diagnosed and told that dad wouldn't survive I wanted to scream at people... I hated how all of a sudden rather than simply greeting me like normal and giving me the choice of bringing up about the cancer or not.. It was like big elephant in the room... Omg I had to walk away with gritted teeth especially when they would say 'oh well he's had a good innings!!' Mums life changed for ever as Dad went to see friend and while there became confused and short term memory was affected.. Within a day he was in hospital and diagnosed the following day... Mum still not got over and would have been 63rd wedding anniversary next week... I hope you find voice and you are heard by your friends... They can't make it better, it is not OK but you will be OK as far as getting through this with your family and support each other... I know I only wanted to talk.. It was irrelevant whether I made sense or who was listening could relate.. I simply needed to talk to help process.. My mum didn't want to talk about it and couldn't speak about how she felt.. My dad much to my mums frustration would go out and everyone would say how well he looked.. There is no right or wrong wen it comes to cancer... I found so hard trying be strong for everyone but I was angry and pi***Ed off and felt terribly guilty.. It was hard to admit to people how I felt angry towards my dad cos I was powerless and to be honest life is so unfair... I don't kno if this is making any sense but I joined this group as I wanted to see if could help my sons to share with other young adults as I myself have been fighting cancer for 6 yrs but 3 weeks ago went for checkup... Already knew the signs re female cancers.. Was having biopsys 3 days later and then since had mri & ct scans blood test etc.. Went back to get results today and although I kno inoperable and chemo out as body won't take it.. I have to see oncologist on 13th to find out how long and what if any treatment is viable... Hence while my sons are ranging from 24 down to 19 and my mum 87 I kno they are all that matter so hoping these chats are a tool I can show them.. As a mum I don't want them to bare scars from what is to come and hopefully can enjoy each day and keep in the day... Unfortunately can land up jus focusing on what hasnt happened yet and stops you enjoying this moment right now where it is a new day and full of promise.. Omg I've rambled gone of in tangents and probably sound like I talking double Dutch... But heh life is for living and I'm not going to worry if I got right.. Love and I hope the sun shines on you whatever and where ever you find yourself to be in the world today x

Hi @mum247,

My hubby was diagnosed with throat cancer a few years ago, though the primary wasn't found. I TOTALLY get where you are coming from!! How can anyone else possibly know how it is going to be?! Hubby's treatment was gruelling, for the whole family. My youngest was 4 and oldest 13 when hubby got ill, and it has definitely affected our youngest son more than the older girls, though school are great at supporting him still. Unfortunately hubby was then diagnosed with tongue cancer earlier on this year, and though he has finished treatment for that, he still has some ongoing troubles. I find it hugely stressful juggling everyone's needs. I have just returned to work after a few months off while he had his latest treatment, and still feel incredibly torn to leave him with the kids on his rough days! He is quite a private person, and most friends don't even know about this second cancer!!! You are NOT a bad person for any thoughtt that you have.

Please pm me if you need to chat at all.

Nat xx

Thank you so much xx it's hard at times to focus on a positive and trying to look at each day at a time and look after our children who are 21,19 and 4 .  I really hope it goes well for you on the 13th xxxx 

Hi 

you are definitely not alone.

I am so fed up with receiving the same answer, and got to a point that I am not going to show any sadness around the very few friends I know oin this country.I got no family here.

sometimes I wonder why we can’t  create something that we can always rely on to goto.

people with similar mentally,going through same shit,can have good conversation or a talk with out feeling been sympathetic.

that’s the closest to the normal I can think of with what’s going on in my life.

Something like a online chat group.

Thank you , I know they mean well but I'm not finding it of comfort at all , it makes me feel like my feeling are not valid x I'm always here if you want to chat x  

Moderator has changed my name from ‘cancer group ‘ to sunflower21’.

Thank you Nat, how are you today ? X