My mother has cancer, she got diagnosed 2020 in the june. Obviously covid has nt helped, especially because we couldn't visit our sick family members in hospital. She went in with a small mass on her brain, they then found out she had lymphoma. She's gone through all the treatment practicality on her own, her partner has been a good send. He was the only one to be around her because she was vulnerable and had to self isolate. Myself and my sister's only saw her outside when she came home. We rang her every day she spoke to at least one of us each day. She has previously cut her self of from some of her siblings for no particular reason other than they are not as close as they use to be. So communication there is thin. She's been doing very well with treatment etc . Through all of this she has got very angry with me and my sister's telling close family friends that we are not supporting her. One day I was working late and it got to 6pm and she rang and was upset saying I don't care. I kept my cool and tried to calm her down she was ok. But this behaviour has been going on for years. The relationship between us was frayed. Due to her illness I have put that aside and I'm doing my best. I have a family to look after as well with stressful problems going on as well (which I hadn't told my mother about) my sister's feel the same as me. In fact one of them the eldest only rings her a couple of times a week. And doesn't make the effort to see her when's she's at home.
I'm just wondering if chemo makes people different. I'm feeling guilty for feeling annoyed with her behavior. She also won't ask for help from Mac millan because she feels like she doesn't want to put on anyone, yet we are not doing enough, it's sending a mad. Just need some advice please is this normal for me to feel confused angry upset with the person who is ill, and you care and love them.
Hi
So sorry to read about what you are going through. In terms of the impact on anyone getting a cancer diagnosis is often totally life changing and absolutely going through chemotherapy is totally challenging.
Perhaps the most important part I am reading in your words though is about the impact on you and your family. Your feelings are totally normal. You talk of having a frayed relationship before the diagnosis and it is totally common that a cancer diagnosis ends up being a make or break life changing event.
It might help you to look at Your feelings when someone has cancer and see how "normal" your emotions are. Really well done for reaching out for help, it can be so hard to even realise we need that - it took me ages before I asked for help and sometimes people feel all sorts of emotions commonly starting with something like "I do not want to be a bother" and some people talk of wanting to keep cancer in a box.
I know when my parents were ill (not cancer) they tried to shelter us from the effects. When it all came out of course as it will in the end we were asking questions like "why did you not tell us".
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hi Flo, my mom has cancer as well. It’s really hard. I think chemo as well as just dealing with the illness can change their personality. I also struggle with whether I’m doing enough. I think it’s normal what you are going through— unfortunately most of us are not in the position to quit our jobs, abandon our family/responsibilities and sit by the side of the ill person all the time even if we want to. Life goes on and we each need to figure out the balance of how much caretaking we can take on. My mom would always text me at the last minute some horrible update like “I’m on the way to the emergency room now because....” and I would ALWAYS seem to get this text right when I show up for work. And get so upset and have to control my emotions — I hated that! Then I would feel mad at my mom, why does she have to communicate like this? This is going to make me a wreck all day and I’m just about to head into work! I think deep down I’m not really angry it’s just that anger is an easier emotion to cope with than fear. Maybe it’s like that for your mom too, like it’s easier to get mad rather than fearful of being gone from you and your sister’s lives 
If it were me I wouldn’t take it personally just reassure her you care and trying your best and try to move the conversation on or show affection to reassure her.
All the best xx
